too sweet

OK, as the first (well, maybe second) act of reconnecting with the blogging world, I thought I would post this too sweet picture taken by Ashley Hopper of me and my precious baby boy, Allen. She is a wonderful photographer and captured this beautiful moment at our home a couple Sundays ago. Go ahead, you have my permission to ooh and aah. I know he's beautiful. And, by the way, if you live in the Tulsa area, I highly recommend having Ashley take some pictures of you and yours. We had a lot of fun with her, she was extremely patient with our baby and his babyness (you know, being fussy, hungry, and altogether, well, baby), very laidback and not in a hurry, and just had some great ideas for pictures.

Thanks, Ashley for the beautiful captured moments of our new little one! This one is my very favorite!

Our baby boy!

Hello all! For those of you who have held on and been checking this blog, here is the news you've been waiting patiently for -

Jerry Allen Granville was born on

November 7, 2006 @ 12:13 pm,

6 pounds, 14 ounces and was

20 1/2 inches long

I was in labor for 7 hours and never received an epidural (which God certainly has all the glory for by providing me with a high tolerance for pain, some great determination and perseverance, and some great encouragement from my wonderful husband, my two Lauras, and my amazing nurse, Carissa! Thank you, Father!). It was truly the most incredible thing to go through and thinking about that day just brings tears to my eyes. God is really soooooooooo good and I still can't believe I have this incredible miracle to call my son!

I'm hoping to get back to the blogging world soon and am looking forward to catching up with you all. I hope you all are doing well and enjoying Christmastime - it's my absolute favorite time of the year and it seems everyday brings an overflowing appreciation of the gift that Christ is to me. This year has definitely brought a new perspective to understanding Christmas for me, but that is another post for another day.

Anyways.......

Let me know how you are - I'd love to hear from you!

I'll see you virtually soon! Thanks to those of you who are still with me! God bless!

it's been a while, part 2

This post has been nearly two weeks in the making and it’s still no easier to write. Prepare yourself for a VERY long post.

It’s hard when relationships come to an end - especially ones that have taken up nearly seven years of your life. Friday, September 15, 2006 @ 5:00, I left my job with Family & Children's Services for the last time to become a full-time stepmommy, stepgrandmommy, homemaker, and in the very near future, my own kid’s mom. It was a wonderful and bittersweet moment for me.

I was only 20 years old when I started work with Family & Children's Services. I had only been in Tulsa a little over a year, had just been let go from one job that I had been at for almost a year, and was believing that God was going to provide something more permanent for me – with health insurance and other benefits. It’s quite a story, actually. I was without a job for nearly three weeks and had just applied with another temporary agency when I decided to attend Faithweek (my church’s summer youth camp) as a volunteer in the kitchens. My parents thought I was nuts and didn’t understand my faith at that time. Something in my gut and heart told me that God could accomplish more in one week without my help in providing a job for me than I could. There was a peace that seemed to assure me that God had everything under control with my job and financial situation and that I needed to go to Faithweek. I also remember feeling very called to go to Faithweek and God had provided a way for me to go by allowing me to be let go from my job (they certainly weren’t going to let me off for a week and allow me to return as a temp). So, I trusted Him with everything within me and went to Faithweek. When I returned, the temp agency called me the following Monday and told me they had an assignment for me at a place called Family & Children's Services. I started the next day and was hired on permanently on September 22, 1999. I can’t imagine how different the outcome might have been if I had stayed in Tulsa from Faithweek that year and had spent that time looking for a job on my own. It was truly an answer to prayer for me.

Over my seven year tenure with Family & Children's Services, I obtained my first vehicle for $50 (via an employee who saw my need for one and connected me with someone who had what I needed), made many new friends, celebrated life with those who got married and had babies, got married and changed my name myself, still have a celebration planned for next Friday to share in the joy of my new baby’s life with them, celebrated the pursuits and ambitions of those who moved on, shared sorrows and joys with many co-workers, suffered when some were fired, and now - it has all come to an end. Well, the work at least.

And, to be honest, there's a huge burden that has been lifted from my heart and life by this job coming to an end. I haven't been happy at this job for nearly two years and it has been one of the longest and hardest times I've endured, maybe needlessly. I've struggled between right and wrong, staying or not staying, whether I'm being faithful in staying or faithful if I left, about being faithful while I'm still there, and trying to voice my concerns to those in the positions to hear and make things happen towards change in the company.

A few weeks ago, my boss sat down with me seriously and we had one of the most heartfelt and difficult talks I've ever had with her. It was actually kinda weird. I've never felt any sympathy from her when it comes to feeling overwhelmed at work (probably because everyone at the company is overwhelmed), but I really felt like she was sympathetic to me as just another person. I had made some mistakes and fallen behind one time too many and in essence, she had reached her limit. I tried to explain that I had approached her many times before and expressed my feeling overwhelmed, but to no avail. And, as to other things, she wasn't even looking for an explanation. She knew my intention was to leave when the baby came and not return to my job, so she asked me to resign two months ahead of schedule. She said she wanted me to enjoy my last two months of my pregnancy and to not be concerned with work, but taking care of myself and the baby. She, herself, had gestational diabetes during her pregnancy, and was very sympathetic to the toll it is slowly taking on me. At the end of my time with her that day, I felt sad, more than a little anxious, and a little relieved that this long, bittersweet time of my life was finally coming to an end. I have to admit it's been even harder to want to go to work knowing that the end is coming. I just wanted it to be over. And, now - it is.

And where is God in all of this? Well, He was in the beginning of it, He was there all the way through it, He was there in the end taking care of me, baby, and insurance, He is in the relationships that will last far longer than the job ever did, He is there in the love and attachment that I feel to so many, He is in the memories that have been made, in all the laughter, the tears, He was there teaching me faithfulness and integrity and working to perfect me even when I was faithless and disobedient, He is in all the grace I feel for having been part of this company for as long as I was, and He is in all the things that have yet to be revealed and understood.

I'm going back next Friday for a baby shower that they have planned for me. It may be a little awkward, but possibly not. Some people don't even know yet that I'm gone and will be surprised come Monday morning. That makes me sad. Some people surprised me by their well wishes and heartfelt words of thanks and happiness for me. You just don't always know how much one life can touch another, I guess. I know there are some people I will have to call to let them know the baby has arrived and I know I will be returning many times to visit and show off the baby once he's born. They like that. They prefer not to have to hunt you down to see and hold the baby.

So, the work is over, but life and relationships go on.

I'm really looking forward to the next two months and the years after the baby is born. I cannot wait to be my kid's mom! It's something I always knew I wanted to be and now, the time has finally come for this chapter to be opened and written.

I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come

every season

Days like today – the whisper of fall in the cooler air and even in the way the sun shines, the beginning of trees shedding their summer-kissed leaves, being able to drive with the windows down and breathe it all in – it all just sings a beautiful love song to me of God, of hope, and of my favorite time of the year on the way. It makes me want to cry for joy and makes me so very thankful that my first child will be born in the fall. I would give a thousand summers to live just perpetually in the fall, winter, and spring seasons. Days like today just make me thankful to be alive. And, it kinda leads well into what my next post is going to be about. I've entered a season of fall in one area of my life where one chapter is ending and spring is about to blossom in another area and a whole new life is about to arrive - literally! Joy and a little sorrow comingled.

It all reminds me of a song by one of my favorite singers and it should come as no surprise who it is – Nichole Nordeman.

The song is called Every Season and needs no explanation or interpretation. Enjoy!

Every evening sky, an invitation, to trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration, for freedom that is ours
And I notice you in children's games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered to the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September and sending us inside
Still I notice you when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come
You are autumn

And everything in time, and under heaven, finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation, shivers underneath
And still I notice you when branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death you open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
And what was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with you, and how you make me new
With every season's change
And so it will be as you are recreating me

Summer autumn winter spring

it's been a while, part 1

Well, I realize it’s been a long time since I wrote anything on here. I’ve been kinda struggling. I’m just tired of having not-so-fun things to write about because I realize everyone has stuff going on and what is my stuff compared to everyone else’s? And for those of you who don’t like to read long posts, well, you know who you’re dealing with. I’ve hardly ever written a short post in my life, so I’ll just get on with it already.

In the past few days, my life has changed dramatically. No, the baby hasn’t been born yet or anything (I wouldn’t dare not tell anyone at Rivendell about something that big!), but simple things like eating and drinking and bigger things like work versus staying home have added some stress (and a little joy!) to my life these past few days and I can’t keep it all to myself anymore.

Over the past four weeks, I have taken some tests that any mother-to-be takes – the glucose screening test and most often, the 3-hour glucose tolerance test/challenge. Well, I flunked them both – miserably. I was most upset when I found out I had flunked the tolerance test and knew that I was going to be dealing with gestational diabetes. However, I tend to want to stay positive and see it as a new opportunity to trust Him more, so I just resolved, “Alright, God, we’re going to do this. Whatever I have to do I just have to do it and the rest is in Your hands.”

So, this past Monday, I went to see the dietician, picked up my meter, and got educated on how I need to eat, what I need to eat, how often I need to eat, anything you could think of relating to eating – I learned it! I really enjoyed my visit and meeting with the dietician and felt relieved when I left. I called my doctor’s office to ask them to call in a prescription for my test strips and lancets and went to get me some lunch. Two hours after lunch, I took my second blood sugar testing and was discouraged to see that it was elevated – I was sure I had followed everything the dietician had told me, so I was kind of upset. A few hours later, I was telling myself, “It’s ok. It’s your first day. It’s going to take a few days for your blood sugar to even out. CHILL!” Then, my husband and I went to the pharmacy before dinner to pick up my prescriptions, which included my prenatal vitamins and all my diabetes stuff. The price of the strips about knocked me over and I got discouraged again – “This diabetes diet isn’t even going to work and we’re going to pay all this money for these strips just to find out my blood sugar won’t level out!” I actually broke down crying as quietly as I could in the Wal-Mart store and put some things back that I felt like, “You know what? I just don’t need this stuff.” And I felt like my life as I knew it was over (I can really make things seem bigger than they are, I know). My poor husband didn’t know what to do. I was just so discouraged that first day.

These are the moments I feel like I really forget to trust God and allow the circumstances around me to seem bigger than they are and more importantly, bigger than Him. What are test strips and lancets to Him? Does He sympathize with what I’m going through? Undoubtedly yes! Is He worried about how we’re going to pay for the testing supplies or that the diet might not work? Absolutely not. Please, Lord, increase my faith to NOT WORRY!

Since Monday, my blood sugar numbers have leveled out – Praise the Lord for that! – and my OB is very happy with them as well since she expected them to be a lot higher after looking at my tolerance test results, which were pretty ominous. Actually, my appointment yesterday with my OB was one of the most positive I’ve had so far. Even though my pregnancy has developed some complications, it’s a relief to hear that my OB feels they’re being managed well. I can’t thank God enough for my OB – she is so positive, down to earth, and will still tell me like it is that I just am very thankful for her! I joked with her that pretty much all I think about everyday now is drinking enough water, what I’m going to eat at meals/snacks, and checking my blood sugar. She told me, “Janine, you’re in the home stretch now - not much longer. Just hang in there and keep doing what you’re doing! You’re doing great!” Isn’t she great?!

And, I’m still holding at only five pounds gained. I don’t imagine I’ll gain anymore and may even lose some now that I’m eating every few hours and am very limited on my carbs. My OB doesn’t sound concerned about me losing weight as long as I’m not feeling hungry and getting enough to eat.

So, that’s just part one. The rest is actually harder to talk about, but I’ll get to it soon.

re-reading Harry Potter

Well, in commemoration of having read the first five books in the series of Harry Potter last August, I started re-reading them again this August. Since I found I couldn't put them down and read them through very quickly the first time, I'm sort of taking my time this year. I just finished the first one this weekend. That's a whole week longer than last year. By this time last year, I was already working on the third book. I admit, I was a little obsessed.

Well, anyways.... as some of you may know, the former title of my blog was where God can be found and I had named it so, in part, because of Harry Potter. God met me in some ways while I was reading these books that I completely did not expect..... First of all, if you had asked me a year ago before August to read Harry Potter, I would have looked at you like you were asking me to eat worms. All that I had heard gave me the terrible impression that anyone who read Harry Potter was evil. I was really a mess. A good friend, whose judgment I completely trusted, convinced me she had read them and was no worse off than before. So, I started reading them, just to see what the hype was all about. And, as you can tell by the first paragraph of this post, I became a "Harry Potter believer" in just a few short weeks..... So, back to the many ways God met me in the story of this wizard boy. It was in reading Harry Potter and sharing my experience of reading it with this friend that I came to realize the passion for story and words that God has placed within me. I also began to realize more clearly that I spent a lot of time reading these books and did not spend as much time or find as much joy in reading God's own word. I distinctly remember not having so much a sense of condemnation as a sense of sadness that I was missing out on sharing in a much bigger and more significant story than Harry Potter could ever be. God used these books to draw me back to His story and to rid me of some old, crippling hang-ups I had about "quiet times." He also showed me the beauty of the tension that comes from being in the world and not of it - enjoying and sharing the gifts God has given us, but not making them idols above Himself. I had to repent many times for what I could see becoming more important than God while reading these books. And, of course, I was deeply moved by the friendships that the main characters shared - good times and bad. Friendships, loyalty, and bravery are all things that seem to move me very deeply. There are also definite spiritual themes that I can see playing out in these stories. There is talk about love and how the shedding of blood protects Harry and of course, the battle between a definite good and evil and many themes revolving around both aspects of the fight. There are also two resounding elements of death and power which saturate the darker plots of the story.

I really enjoy these books and hopefully, this time around, I can spend a little more time taking them in (and living within that tension I talked about) and also doing what I love - exploring some of the themes of these stories in my own words and sharing a little bit of my passion for them with you. And, if you haven't read these books before, I'm giving you fair warning that in talking about them, I may give some of the story away. So if you think you'll ever read the books and don't want to know anything ahead of time, don't read my coming posts about Harry Potter!

For the moment, here are some quotes that I loved from the book, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, this time around -

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that."

"Harry - you're a great wizard you know."
"I'm not as good as you," said Harry....
"Me!" said Hermione. "Books! And cleverness! There are more important things - friendship and bravery..."

"Your mother died to save you. If there is one thing Voldemort cannot understand, it is love. He didn't realize that love as powerful as your mother's for you leaves its own mark. Not a scar, no visible sign...to have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever. It is in your very skin...."

"There are all kinds of courage. It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends...."

I Miss my Brain

*** I thought this picture was perfect to go along with this little poem I wrote below. When I first told a good friend of mine how much I was missing my brain, she said I probably wouldn't be seeing it again - ever! So, I'm waiting patiently for the pitch black! ***

Oh brain how I’ve missed your ever-thoughtful self these days!
Our relationship just hasn’t been the same since baby’s been on the way.
Absentmindedness, not focus has been my strength of late
I admit the will to fight the memory drain is hard to motivate.

I first noticed your absence one day when I got to work without my keys
And went hunting through the office, praying to find them – “Please, God please!”
How was I to know they were safely tucked at home?
Just where little hands can’t take them off to roam.

And you weren’t there the time I went hunting twice through my purse
For something sitting right in front of me – someone get me a nurse!
And what about the time that Friday right around ten
I just know I was supposed to be somewhere – where were you then?

I find myself stepping into a room and confusedly looking around
What did I come in here for, I wonder – but the answer cannot be found
And driving’s not looking any better these days.
Forget the road rage - I just drive aimlessly in a haze.

Oh brain, how I miss you!
My sweet holder of memory, how I need you!

Please come back and release me from this prison of forgetfulness
So I can get back to my former life of usefulness
Otherwise, I’m afraid of what may happen when baby’s finally here
And I forget to change his diaper and he’s crawling around with a poopy rear!

my mom and faith

Well, I gave in this weekend - just decided to call my mom and end the standoff. By the way, I think I'm the only one who thought it was a "standoff."

I spoke first with my brother and while I was encouraged in what I needed to do, I was discouraged in something else. My brother kind of reinforced what I really already knew and that is that I can't wait for my parents to take the initiative and call me. Sad, but true. Almost four weeks had gone by and neither of us had called the other. I had been waiting to give them the chance to take the initiative, but it wasn't happening. So, I decided I would just call them, keep them updated, and see how they were doing.

Before we hung up, however, my brother said something to me that just broke my heart. We were talking about my mom, which is part of the reason I called him before calling her on Sunday. Let me just explain without saying too very much that my mom has been diagnosed with a serious mental illness. She has been in counseling for almost eight years and is on medication, which is constantly changing (dosage or new medication altogether). Sometimes, conversations with my mom can go very well and other times, like ones I've previously mentioned, not so much. You honestly never know what kind of mood you might find her in. I realize that can be true for really all of us, but with my mom it's just way different. I'm learning that my best bets for catching her on a good day are Sundays - she hasn't been at work, she's had, hopefully, a day to rest, and is generally pretty happy. Well, in talking about my mom, my brother said basically that he believes my mom will never get better and even went so far as to say she is getting worse, not better.

Even writing this, I just want to cry. Because not only do I have a mom who is suffering and is generally miserable, but I have a brother who doesn't believe she can or will get better. I got off the phone with my brother and looked at my husband and was just like, how can he even say something like that? Do we believe in the same God? I guess I just feel or believe differently here. Because whether my mom gets better or not won't keep me from praying for God to heal her or from believing that she can and will get better. I believe in a God who does the seemingly impossible and gives me every reason to hope the best.

Where do I find the faith and hope to believe these things? Check out Hebrews 11, particularly verse 13 -

"All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance."

Others have faithfully waited even unto death for what God had promised; in my mind, they waited and believed for greater things than I!

And because of the faith and hope God has placed within me, I'd rather live my entire life praying for God to heal my mom than to live one day thinking that she can't or won't get better. It doesn't mean that I won't accept my mom as she is while I'm in relationship with her or that I won't encourage her, but it does mean that I am not accepting things as they currently are as the final answer. God has the final say.

Thank you, God, for giving us the hope and faith to believe the seemingly impossible and to see You more clearly in all of the circumstances you place us in!

And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
James 5:15-16

sing over me

WOW! First I have to say I can't believe I've passed the 100 days to go mark! Woo-hoo! Not much longer!

This CD to the left is truly a gift I feel is right from God's own heart to my own. Since I've been pregnant, the one verse and thought that continues to come to my mind is Zephaniah 3:17 and the thought that I so desire God to sing over me and baby. Most of all, I want desperately for God to sing peace over all of my being and for the peace of Christ to become my own.

This particular CD is a compilation project of some of the contemporary Christian women artists (four of which are mothers themselves) I enjoy the most, including Nichole Nordeman! Yeah!

One thing Nichole Nordeman writes in the CD enclosure, which I have yet to experience but seems to echo with stories from those I've talked with, is this -

"....Nobody thinks about worshipping in a rocking chair at 3 am. But this is the reality of motherhood.... stealing away with God one moment at a time, not so much for the desire of being heard and seen, but more for the rare chance to listen."

I've been listening to this CD here at work today and it's very soothing, peaceful, and just precious. It has some familiar worship songs, intentionally recorded with gentle arrangements, on it like How Great is Our God, Here I Am to Worship, Hold on to Jesus, We Fall Down, and Jesus Loves Me. There are also some new ones I already love and I'm looking forward to rocking my little boy to sleep, whether at 3 am or 7 in the evening, to this music. And I look forward to singing over him words of worship to praise the God who sent the precious little gift of him to me.

The other thing which I just thought was so very cool is that when I opened the CD case, it had the words of Zephaniah 3:17 inside. I about cried! God truly loves to give his daughters and sons good gifts!

beautiful photo

Isn't this an incredibly beautiful picture? It's apparently called a nacreous cloud and was seen some 20 km above a science station in Antartica. Man, it's just beautiful! I'd love to see some of these incredible clouds in person and I've always wanted to see the Northern Lights, although this is something completely different.

Enjoy!

another song

Well, I've just got songs running through my head today.

I heard the following song on my way home late last night from my girlfriend's house and it always just gets me. It's a very simple song, but I love it.

When I heard it for the first time, I really felt like it could have been written by my husband just for me. There's just something about him that lets me know I'm the very most important person in the world to him. Maybe it's when he waits up for me after midnight just to make sure I get in alright. Or maybe it's when he tells me he loves me for no particular reason a million times a day. Or maybe it's all the times he's gone back out for something that we forgot and didn't realize it was missing until we got home. I don't know. It's all the little things, all the hugs and kisses, and all the times he makes time to just talk with me that let me know that even though it seems to the world, I may be just another girl - to him, I am the world. (And yes, I'm a country music junkie.)

The World, by Brad Paisley

To the teller down at the bank
You're just another checking account
To the plumber that came today
You're just another house
At the airport ticket counter
You're just another fare
At the beauty shop at the mall
Well you're just another head of hair
Well that's alright, that's ok
If you don't feel important, honey
All I've got to say is

Chorus:
To the world
You may be just another girl
But to me
Baby, you are the world

To the waiter at the restaurant
You're just another tip
To the guy at the ice cream shop
You're just another dip
When you can't get reservations
'Cause you don't have the clout
Or you didn't get an invitation
'Cause somebody left you out
That's alright, that's ok
When you don't feel important honey
All I've got to say is

Chorus:
To the world
You may be just another girl
But to me
Baby, you are the world

You think you're one of millions but you're one in a million to me
When you wonder if you matter, baby look into my eyes
And tell me, can't you see you're everything to me

I will stand

Last night, after what felt like the worst downer day I’d had in a long time, I got to spend some much-needed girl time with my best friend. Man, I love that girl! I just can’t tell you how many times I’ve needed a friend and she’s ALWAYS been there. She is truly a blessing straight from the Lord. I know that because of her friendship, I have a better understanding of Christ as my friend. I am so thankful for her!

Well, we were doing one of the things we love most – getting ready for a road trip. Remember, we’re going to see Rascal Flatts this weekend???!!! And, as with ANY road trip, there is LOTS of music involved. We’ve tried for a few weeks to get together to burn mixed CD’s for the three of us that are going and last night, we finally did it! We had so much fun – picking out the songs and mixing them up before burning the CD’s. You’d think by all the Rascal Flatts' songs on the CD’s that we were, like, big fans or something. Well, there’s a song on the new Rascal Flatts’ CD that we included on our mixed ones that just describes pretty well how I feel today, considering what I wrote about yesterday. It’s called Stand. I can’t wait to hear it in person. Here are the lyrics -

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright

Chorus:
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand

Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place


God has never failed to pull me up from the lowest points in my life and I know with His help, His wisdom, His understanding, and His peace, it will be no different this time. When I think that the purpose is unclear to me, I have to remember that it's so very clear to Him and that what He most wants from me is to trust Him and continue to follow Him in the midst of all the uncertainty. I was praying for this very thing - more faith, a more mature faith - as I was driving to pick up my husband from work yesterday. And God is so good, because in the midst of it all, His gentle voice is reminding me to trust Him, is reminding me that I'm not alone, and that He will never leave me.

I will stand - on His words, on His love, on the most solid Rock I've come to know.

that lonesome feeling

Well, it seems my mom and I have had a setback. And after I thought things were going so well.

The day of my last ultrasound, I called a few of my good friends to relate the good and bad news about the baby and to ask for prayer. I thought I'd just call my mom real quick and let her know what was going on. The conversation didn't go well and was pretty brief. When I tried to just quickly tell her what was going on, she yelled at me. I hung up in tears and felt everything I had tried to hold together that day just went out the window. I really felt I needed my mom in that moment and she was "emotionally unavailable."

My mom called me back about ten minutes later and promptly informed me that things were not the best for her right now - she's working ten hour days at work and still having to go in on the weekend to do her own work - and I told her that I completely understood and I was sorry things were so hard for her right now. She told me that I would just have to deal with her this way. She asked what was up and after telling her what was going on, it seemed like she hadn't even heard me because she acted like everything was fine and that there was no reason for me to be calling her. Since that day, I haven't talked to her and I've been advised by a few close friends not to call her until the baby is born. It's not sounding like a bad idea.

I gotta tell you that it all gets old and wears on me after a while.

It's hard enough to be so far away for birthdays, some holidays and especially now, when I'm pregnant and feel like I need my parents closer to me more than ever. My dad just celebrated his 50th birthday yesterday, my mom will celebrate hers on September 6, they've been married 30 years this year and are going to be first-time grandparents, but it just seems that we can't get our relationship together. So much joy and pain all at once it seems. I'm sure Jesus must have felt this way on His way to the cross, but at least His purpose was clear. The purpose in all of this is still unclear to me and yet life just keeps going - relationships remain unhinged, time passes, a baby grows, ultrasounds happen, dinner gets made each night, people go to work, bills get paid, appointments are kept, medicine is taken, life happens.

Since I moved here, I've been reminded so many times that it was I who chose to move so far away from my family. OK. Fine. But, for being the one that moved away, I spend a lot of time trying to stay connected with them and sometimes, I just don't know if it's worth it. It's not like I've been keeping score on who calls who how many times, but it hurts after so many years that even now I get yelled at just for calling at the wrong time. Why does it have to be so hard? I feel like I'm constantly apologizing for my mom's hangups.

All this leaves a pregnant mommy-to-be feeling kinda lonely, neglected, and fairly overwhelmed. I'm sure it shows, too. (Although my friends are all wonderful, keep up with me, and in so many tangible ways have become my family.) I even dreamt about writing this blog. So weird.

And you know what else just really aggravates and hurts me? My parents have talked about helping us out financially over the past few months, but honestly no amount of financial help they want to offer us can make up for the emotional loneliness I feel.

movieng thoughts

The movie I went to see yesterday by myself was Lady in the Water by M. Night Shymalan. I decided to see it by myself because I knew neither my stepdaughter nor my husband were very interested in seeing it and I really wanted to see it. I'm really a quiet, big fan of this particular director and storyteller. My favorite movie of his was Signs as of the day before yesterday.

Without giving too much away, I just have to say I loved it! Though it isn't epic like Lord of the Rings or The Chronicles of Narnia, it still has very big and inspiring ideas. The movie itself revolves around an ancient story and how the characters of the movie become characters in the ancient story. Hmm. Sounds a little familiar. There are moments of redemption, moments of setback, and moments where the person you would least expect to play a major role in the action does. There are ongoing conversations about purpose all throughout the movie - how to determine who plays what purpose, the temptation to arrogance of assuming a particular role or that one person knows everyone else's purposes, doubting your purpose, embracing your real purpose, and acting on it. There are both good and evil forces at work and an underlying message about the human condition as a whole. It's particularly relevant when you think of all that's going on in the world right now.

Overall, I really enjoyed it. I'll probably see it again and/or buy it when it goes to DVD.

On another note, I've been seeing lots of previews for the new World Trade Center movie. Although a part of me wants to see it, I don't know if I'll be able to sit through it. As it is, the tears just fall down my face everytime I see the previews. For me, the pain of that day is still so fresh in my mind. And if it's still fresh in my mind, I can't imagine how it feels for all those who were more personally affected by the events of that day. When I think of all the brave men and women of the emergency departments and probably some bystanders who went into those towers and put their lives on the line just doing what they do everyday for all the people who were trapped inside and remember the sight of the towers falling, I. Just. Can't. Do. It. It's not something I want to re-experience. So, I will probably skip it.

Does anyone else still find it hard to think about that day?

Mickey-D's - I'm NOT lovin' it

So yesterday, I took a day off for my sanity and to destress just a little bit. It was really very nice and I got a small glimpse of how my days might look like when I get to be home in about three months with my newborn son. Oh, how I love to think about it!

I took my hubby to work, did some laundry, watched a little of the morning news show that I love to hate, decided to see a movie by myself (which I will talk about in my next post) and to treat my stepdaughter and her son to a little field trip out somewhere. I called my super friend and asked sneakily where the mega McDonald's in town was exactly and laid out my plan.

When I got home from my wonderful movie time, it was off to the mega McDonald's. Neither Jamie nor Ryan had any idea where we were going. I was so excited because I love to be able to do fun things, especially unexpected surprises, for others and I just knew we were going to have a great time. We would eat scrumptious hamburgers and fries, Ryan would play his little heart out, his mom would be happy for him, it would be so very magical, and I would be their hero for a few hours. Ah, how very well I thought I had planned this out.

Yeah, not so much.

Everything was going great - we told Ryan as soon as he finished his lunch, he would be able to play. It was a little hard to keep him focused on the food with all the screaming, running, the TV, and just general kiddo mayhem going on all around him. For him, it was probably like me going to Vegas a few years ago - stimulation overload. But, for the most part, I was happy with how things were going. I knew we had sort of a time limit since I had to go pick up Hubby from work, but no real big rush.

We were down to two little bites of his cheeseburger and I could tell he was getting anxious to go play, so both Jamie and I were encouraging him along now. Only one more little bite left. "Yeah! One more bite, Ryan!" The last bite is in his mouth - he's chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing......

And, now he's stopped chewing and is refusing to swallow his FINAL bite of cheeseburger. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!???!!!??? @#$%^&!

Suddenly, Jamie and I have become desperate funmongers, trying to get him to chew and swallow his last bite of food and be able to go play, but our fun-loving boy has turned into obstinate, I-am-not-going-to-chew-this-last-bite-and-you-can't-make-me boy. You can tell by looking at his face that he has settled into his stubborn mode and will not be moved for or by anything. Well, I look right at him and tell him that if he doesn't chew his last bite right now, we are leaving without him getting to play. I ask him if he wants to play and he nods his head yes. Then, finish what's in your mouth NOW. Nope. The kid will not be moved.

After fifteen minutes of hammering into him the consequences of his actions if he persists in continuing on in this way (which I now understand to be totally ineffective) and trying desperately to get back to that magically happy time before that last bite of food entered his mouth, we begin to pack up and leave. Still no response from chipmunk cheek boy. I tell him before leaving the restaurant that he is going straight to time-out when we get home and that he will not get to play with his toys for the rest of the day because of his behavior. He didn't so much as bat an eyelash.

Uuuuurrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!

We're in the car and he is still refusing to finish swallowing his food. We didn't talk to him the entire way home.

We're home and getting him out of the car and now I think he finally realizes it's over because he begins crying and fighting NOT to go inside. Did he think I was bluffing? Grandma Neenie don't mess around.

We set him in time-out and as of the time I left to go pick up Hubby, he still had the indiscriminate piece of cheeseburger in his mouth.

So much for trying to add some fun to his and Jamie's day. That little escapade wore me out.

On my way to pick up my husband, though, my day got better. I called my super friend back and related my story. When I called her, I was about in tears. This wasn't the first time Ryan had pulled this little stunt and I am growing weary of it - I can't understand why he is doing it or how to help and correct him. Thankfully, she got me to laughing - she's really the best! - and gave me some tips which I later shared with Jamie and Hubby.

Well, I gotta admit that if this is what I have to look forward to in three months when I get to stay home, I say bring it on! Because one day in the life of a "housewife" was more interesting and made for a better blog than nearly seven years at my job!

Fun times.

P.S. If you want to read a real Big Mac of a story of one lady's McDonald's experience, go here and read this story.

Happy Birthday, Hubby!

Today is my hubby's birthday! I just want to say how much I love my man. I never had any clue the kind of gift God had in store for me when He brought our lives together nearly five years ago!

My hubby -

Fiercely passionate when it comes to politics,
Teary-eyed when talking about anything relating to tradition/heritage,
Goofy and childlike when it comes to sci-fi (particularly Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica - the original ones mostly)
Most sincerely loving when it comes to his kids,
Eeyore-like when it comes to going to work or getting up in the morning (ask me about this in person),
Patient when it comes to driving (more so than his crazy wife),
Humble and available when it comes to serving,
The only one who can absolutely make his wife laugh and/or smile when she is trying so hard not to,
Loves the Lord and seeks after Him,
Believes in a very simple, practical life,
and
Has one of the most laidback personalities of anyone I've ever met!

I love ya, honey! Happy Birthday!

last week and today

Well, last week was a little rough around the edges for me. It started with a nightmare I had Sunday night. For me, I always realize while I'm dreaming that what I'm experiencing is actually a dream, even if the dream is good. And, this was no exception. Even though it was a dream and I knew it, my nightmare was about the baby and took me to the worst fear any new mom could have - the death of her unborn child. I remember waking up that night and crying out to God like a child for comfort and peace. The mother-to-be - the one to provide comfort for her child - was reminded of her own need for her Father's comfort and embrace.

Then, I had a wonderful ultrasound and a sweet time with my dear friend last Tuesday. It was good to have someone there. However, the ultrasound brought both "good" and "bad" news. Good news - the fluid is back within normal limits and I've gained a few more pounds. More good news - the baby weighed about what he should and it appears all his organs are there and functioning properly. We even had quite a good time trying to see the baby's face and between his legs, but to no avail. He just wasn't in a photogenic mood, I guess. We got one precious picture of the side of his face where it looks like he's scratching his nose or if he's really mine, he probably had his thumb to his nose and his fingers in the air, like - "Ha, ha, you can't see me!" And, she ran a blood flow check in a conspicuous area where she agreed that it was a boy. So fun.

Now, the bad news - there is now a new concern with the baby which, to me, sounds worse than the fluid issue was. I don't think I can explain it very well, but I'll just give a brief summary of what the doctor told me. She measured the pumping of the heart and the blood flow between baby and the umbilical cord at the same time and apparently (there's a fancy four word name for this test, but I don't know what it is), the blood pressure as she called it, is off the charts high. She didn't give a reason why this would happen and assured me there was nothing I could do about it. (Wonderful.) She also said that I'm just beyond the point in my pregnancy where they would expect to see this kind of thing. If the condition persists, it could mean "limited activity" for me and/or early delivery of baby when it becomes viable to do so. I got the impression that it doesn't signify a condition that would persist outside the womb, so it still looks like baby himself is doing ok. And, I guess it can't be as terrible as my imagination wants to make it out to be, because I'm not scheduled to go back to the specialized doctor for another three weeks to have another ultrasound to check baby's growth. But, I would ask you to pray - for both mommy and baby.

I have to share that over the past week, while praying, seeking peace and comfort from my Father, and wanting to be close to Him, some words came to mind. Suddenly in the midst of my praying, all I could think was to ask God to sing over my baby. To sing over him like He's sung over my life. To sing over his entire being, all his growing, and all that He's designing this little boy to be. To sing peace over and to his worried momma and to remind her that even in the midst of this unknown, God is still with her and in control. The words of Zephaniah 3:17 came to mind -

"The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

Thank you, Holy Spirit for reminding me!

Thank you for praying and for those of you I've been able to share this with in person, thank you for your compassion, understanding, and reassurances. It won't be long before we'll be celebrating together and holding this new little one in our arms!

Thanks to Shannon for this fun little quiz. I'm not a nerd! :-) I so totally thought I was. And, despite what the quiz says about me despising nerds, it's not true.

baby's first concert! and update

When I first found out I was pregnant, my best girlfriend suggested we take one "last" road trip together and do something fun before the baby is born. She really wants to see Rascal Flatts in concert so we found out that they were going to be in Bonner Springs, Kansas on August 5. In the process, we noticed another friend of ours in desperate need of some major girl time and a night (or two) out away from the kiddos. So, this party of three country girls bought our tickets to the "Me and My Gang" tour this past weekend and will be on our way in 3 1/2 weeks! Woo-hoo!

The only other "secular" concert I've been to is Journey's, so I'm really looking forward to rocking out country-style with my two girlfriends, getting to hear some of my favorites in person, and hopefully, enjoying my baby's own first dance stylings! Speaking of the baby, he should be fine. We have lawn tickets and will be far enough away from the stage to prevent any hearing loss (ours or his). I know - how fun is that? Just one of the sacrifices you make when you become a mom.

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I also had a regular pregnancy check-up yesterday and met with my first male OB doctor. He was very nice and helped to alleviate my concerns about the whole fluid issue with baby. I'm really looking forward to my ultrasound next week and he spoke very highly of the people I will be visiting with. Unlike the clinic I have been going to where the tech performs the ultrasound and passes the results on to the doctor to interpret, the doctors I will be visiting with next week are apparently internal fetal medicine doctors and not only perform the ultrasound, but interpret the results themselves as well. He was confident that they will be able to give me lots of information while I'm there in the clinic next week. My best girlfriend is coming with me and we'll have some fun girl time afterwards, preparing for a baby shower and celebrating her birthday.

I've still only gained one pound total since becoming pregnant and the doctors' opinions just seem to differ. Some of the doctors I've met with have wanted to see me start gaining some weight, but the doctor yesterday did not seem at all concerned. Kinda nice, having the problem of trying to put on weight. It can't possibly last forever. The next 18 weeks could get interesting.

And, as always, the sweet sound of baby's heartbeat made my whole day. I love that it gets easier to find the bigger baby gets and the farther along I am. It's like he no sooner had that doppler on my belly than we could hear baby's strong heartbeat loud and clear. I remember the first time hearing it in May - those five or ten minutes until we found it were nerve-wracking!

Now that I'm over halfway there, I'm getting more excited and nervous to deliver and see this little baby! It's still overwhelming to think that in about 18 weeks, I'm going to meet the son God knew about before I was even born. I'm longing to hold him, kiss his face, take care of him everyday, and just be his momma. All the love I have left to give is already completely his, if that's possible. Though I wouldn't miss or rush them for the world, these next 18 weeks can't go by fast enough.

the NEWS!

Well, folks, it looks pretty well like my husband and I will be welcoming a baby boy, who will be named Jerry Allen Granville (all family names), into our lives and family come November! (See my new ticker - the pregnant woman, who really resembles me quite well, is wearing blue!)

Is it terrible to say that I was more than a little disappointed? When I spoke to a few people, I could hardly contain my tears. I really had my heart set on a daughter, but I knew even yesterday that my disappointment would pass and I would be able to move forward because now I know. My husband is nearly beside himself with happiness since this will be his first son after four girls and his happiness is only helping to dispell my disappointment and realize that his dream is coming true and I get to be a part of it with him. His dreams are my dreams and this little one is our son - a little bit of both of us and the generations of our families before us. I couldn't love him any more or less and I know I will be a mess when I see his little face and as I watch him grow, all those things! I watch Ryan now with an awareness when he says "Momma" that sometime soon, there will another little boy calling me "Momma". How crazy is that?

I have to admit that I am still sort of shell shocked and wondering what God is thinking to give me a boy? Are You serious? What am I going to do with a boy? I'm a girl for goodness sakes! I'm sure I'll figure it all out eventually, but this boy is already making me nervous. Oh well. Gotta love those little boys. Supermom - you'll get this - but I really hope I don't look better as a boy!

I am thankful we got to see him yesterday, but there were some issues I'd like to mention for any of you reading this to remember in prayer for us. We weren't able to get a very good look at our little boy for any number of reasons. We weren't able to get very accurate measurements of specific body parts or even kinda focus in on any particular one. He wasn't moving around too very much, but he was definitely active and Jerry was surprised that with how active he appeared, I couldn't feel anything yet!

We ended up visiting with the doctor (even though we weren't scheduled to see a doctor other than the ultrasound tech) yesterday, so I knew there were some concerns. The fluid around baby was a little too small for the doctor's liking and so I am scheduled for a higher-tech, higher-resolution ultrasound on the 18th to check it out a little better. I have also lost 2 pounds in two weeks when I should be starting to gain, so there is some concern that I am not eating enough, especially since this means I weigh a little bit less now than when I got pregnant. I am not trying to lose weight, but I am definitely eating healthier so that has more than likely cut my calories, when I should be adding 300 additional each day to my diet. Great - good and bad thing. Please pray for my appetite. It definitely isn't what it was before I got pregnant and it's hard to eat when I don't feel hungry. I want to make sure baby is getting everything he needs.

So, that's the news from the pregnancy front. Thanks for all your prayers and well wishes. I couldn't imagine a more supportive and enthusiastic group of people to go through all of this with. I can't wait to meet my little boy and introduce him to all of you, even those I've never met. You guys are truly awesome and I am grateful for every one of you!

P.S. If you're wondering where the pictures are, I'll just tell you that the ones I have are really not very clear and our computer at home is not set up and will not be hooked up to the internet for an indefinite amount of time. As soon as I can, I will post some. I have friends in the IT department here at work that will be willing to help me. It may be after my next ultrasound - I think the pictures will be much better then.

tomorrow's the BIG day! ...and other news of importance

I AM SO EXCITED I CAN HARDLY

CONTAIN IT!!!!!

My husband and I are going in first thing tomorrow morning to have our 20-week ultrasound! I am so anxious to see how big, healthy, and beautiful baby is getting! It's been almost 11 weeks since I first saw our precious little one and I am ready to see her/him again and check out what all she/he's been doing and growing! And, if we're really lucky, we'll get to find out what the gender of our baby is! We already have our names picked out and are just ready to start calling baby by one or the other.

My heart is desperately longing for a girl, but God knows better than I the person He is creating and the life that He has purposed for our child, so either way, I am resting in His perfect will for all of us. Pray that I will be able to sleep tonight and that my heart will be at peace; I am so excited - you'd think I was a kid getting ready to go on vacation or something! But, even if I can't sleep, I've been reading the novel, The Devil Wears Prada (review to come and the movie is out this Friday!!!), so I'll have something to keep my mind busy. And when I finish that book (since I'm getting close to being done), I've got plenty more books to read!

My husband and I have taken all day tomorrow off, so I will be sure to post pictures and the happy news on Wednesday. Make sure to come back for the update!

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In other news, we finally have a washer and a dryer of our own! Hallelujah! I have been doing my laundry at a laundromat for almost eight years and I am so excited not to have to leave my house or dig out change to get my clothes clean anymore! It's truly a blessing for us and just simply doing my and my family's laundry now holds an incredible amount of joy for me! I'd even be willing to do a load (or two, or three, even) for a few of my blogging buddies - I am THAT happy!

This is all I have enough patience to write at the moment.

Everyone have a wonderful evening!

new blog name

So if you haven't yet noticed, let me draw your attention to the new name of my blog. Why the new blog name, you ask? There's a few reasons for this -

1. The old name - where God can be found - wasn't really practical anymore because I wasn't really talking as much about literature, movies, or music as much as I would really like to be. See, you have to actually be reading, watching movies, and listening to music to talk about all those things. Kinda helps. Music is never a problem (because I'm listening to music or have music on my mind almost every waking moment of the day), but the others take a lot more time that I just don't have right now. I imagine eventually I'll talk more about books and movies, but right now, my mind is nearly completely preoccupied. If you don't know why, just take a look at the top of my blog. On a related note, I have wanted for some time to explain why I named my blog what I did in the first place. I really liked the name and have debated for a while whether to change it all. Anyways.... keep an eye out for a blog post explaining more in the future.

2. I knew that if I renamed my blog anything, it would be brave mommy (right now it's mommy-to- be since I am currently pregnant with my very first precious child). If you've read any of my previous posts, you know how very much I love the song Brave by Nicole Nordeman. It just speaks of and to my very heart of where I am at in my life right now, what I feel most of all that God is calling me to be in everything, and of my own desire for God to make me brave. I don't know why God chose the word "brave" to speak to me so powerfully, but He did. I even looked up the word and the definition just blows me away - "said of a person, or their character, actions, etc: having or showing courage in facing danger or pain, etc; daring or fearless." That is what I want to be, especially in relation to becoming a mommy for the first time. I think I'm going to need some bravery!

3. If I'm listed by blog name on somebody's link list, I'm way farther up alphabetically. LOL. Yeah, because that's what's most important. :-)

Hope you'll like the new name. And, keep coming by.

three things

Three things I heard at my doctor's appointment yesterday -

1. You need to start gaining some weight.
2. Your blood pressure goes down in the second trimester and back up in the third.
3. That's only going to get worse (referring to the carpal tunnel pain in my right hand).


Three moments that made it all worthwhile -

1. Hearing my precious baby's heartbeat and knowing he/she appears to be doing well.
2. Getting stuck only once in the arm for a blood draw by the nurse (and it didn't even leave a bruise - that's a first!)
3. Laughing about the appointment last night with my mom.

faithfulness in the waiting

“I don’t ask for success, I ask for faithfulness.” – Mother Theresa

This past Sunday, Kyle presented another part of the Joseph story in Genesis. I've really loved our exploration of Genesis. I've read most of these stories many times before and have never been as encouraged or challenged as I have been this time through. That's another post altogether, though. The highlight of the morning for me was getting to read the racy part of Potiphar's wife (you know, because pregnancy makes you feel so sexy). Yeah, not so much, really. But, it's always fun to read. Anyways....

After reading and hearing a little more about the story, we split up into small groups and our group, appropriately for me and I imagine a few others, was asked what the story tells us about waiting on God. (Kyle said it was the easy question - ha!) Our group talked about how even in the waiting, it seemed that Joseph was faithful in many things - to minister and share his faith, to remember that he didn't belong where he was, and to not forget about God. It's obvious to us in hindsight that God had a purpose for Joseph's waiting and so we can be encouraged in our lives now that God has a purpose in our waiting and calls us to that faithfulness, which is most often very difficult.

I've been in many waiting moments in my life. I feel like I am in many right now. I'm waiting for my baby to be born, I'm waiting and believing to see how God will provide for our family when I am no longer working, I am waiting to go back to school, I am anxiously waiting for my time at my job to be over, and in many ways, I am waiting to see what God has planned for our current little family and praying for Him to change my heart when everything within me doesn't want to be gracious or kind. And I am waiting, believing, trusting, and continuing forward.

What does it mean for me to be faithful in all of these things? And, how do I know if I'm being faithful or not? Sometimes I think I know, other times not so much. The quote above was really the highlight of the morning for me, because it has stuck with me, encouraged and challenged me (I like to say that alot - encouraged and challenged). For a while now, I've been aware of how easy it is for me to be unfaithful in all these circumstances. And, my unfaithfulness is sometimes downright rebellion because I am aware of the times that are very blatant, willful acts of that unfaithfulness. I am like a spoiled child saying to her Father - "I just don't want to."

And, yet my deepest prayer is for faithfulness, and whatever that means in all of these things, to be created and nurtured into all of my life because I don't want to miss out on the purpose that God has in store for me and who knows who else while I'm here in the waiting.

a very big thank you

I just want to thank those who came by the former home of the Jarvis family this Sunday, brought us some lunch, helped my husband move furniture from our two-story apartment into a U-Haul in the bizarre pre-summer heatwave, packed my entire kitchen in no time flat, kept my grandson Ryan occupied, and just generally brought some cheer and relief into this stressful weekend of moving.

I'm happy to say we (and all our things - Janine's cup fetish and all) are in our new home (which is a 3-bedroom, 2 1/2 bathroom, 1 car garage, with a place for a washer and dryer (hallelujah!!!!!! no more lugging laundry back and forth from the laundromat anymore!), a backyard for the munchkin to play in, and really just lots of room!). We have only to clean out a good part of the old apartment by the 1st and turn in our keys and we will be completely done with apartment living!

I'm going to post some pictures soon and will share more about this crazy, sudden, move into our new wonderful home! We are very blessed to have found this place - it's in a great neighborhood and our landlords are wonderful people. I'm very anxious to be a friend to our new neighbors, see what God has in store for us in this new community, and to make our new home really home. And, of course, have everyone over for a breaking in party!

Thanks to literature lover and her entire clan (by the way, I continue to be impressed by the maturity and initiative of your wonderful daughters - they are awesome, girl!), my very sweet friend Laura, and Chad (aka strong man) for pitching in and helping us out in such a big way - you have no idea just how much this pregnant woman and her family appreciate all you guys did for us on Sunday! Just your presence in my home that day decreased my own stress level by quite a few notches and brought a happiness to my heart I can't even explain. And, I know Jerry very much appreciated another strong body to help him with all the furniture. We honestly couldn't have done it without ya'll! THANKS, THANKS, AND THANKS!!!!!

*** On a final note, Jerry's even made a few resolutions about NOT living in two-story apartments and maybe selling all our stuff the next time we move and just buying all new things. We'll see.

completely true

You Are a Frappacino

At your best, you are: fun loving, sweet, and modern At your worst, you are: childish and over indulgent You drink coffee when: you're craving something sweet Your caffeine addiction level: low

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

WOW! Now, if only it said Mocha Frappacino, this quiz would be exactly right about me!

I know there's been blog silence for several days on my end, but I've been saving up some good blogging material and will share it soon! Enjoy the quiz for now!

Happy Friday! and other thoughts

If you hadn't guessed it yet, I love celebrating Fridays! Not only is it the last day of the week before the weekend (which means two heavenly days without my current full-time job), but I always seem to be energized more on Fridays than any other day of the week and I always seem to get more done. It's just always pretty much a happy day for me, no matter what happens. Makes me think I need to pray for that same kind of energy every other day of the week - just think of all I could get done then!

Today, I am contemplating many ideas for blog posts. I just can't seem to find the time to do all that I want and need to do, including blogging. A friend was talking on his blog about being attentive to the ordinary, which has resurrected some thoughts in my own mind and I'm hoping to expand on more eventually. Another friend has been processing through some of her thoughts in relation to church, callings, and ideas that have been brought up recently in our community. I have to say, she's quite a thinker! I guess I am still processing all my thoughts and am hesitant to write them down. After Sunday night, I honestly feel a little overwhelmed and like my brain is close to being fried on the subject since I've participated in nearly four conversations about it.

I also have thoughts of my own that have been brewing in my heart and mind of late when I have been thinking about my upcoming entrance into full-blown motherhood as well as the situation I currently find myself in as a stepmom, stepgrandmom, and wife (not to mention all the other roles I'm currently in). I'll just be honest and say that even though it's been more wonderful than terrible, the introduction of two children into our home - ages 19 and 2 - has still been extremely hard and a lot for me to take in. Sometimes, I feel that the task God has placed before me is more than I can possibly handle, even knowing that I have God's help! And to be pregnant on top of still being in the process of adjusting to life with two more family members only adds to the stress. When I think of the four of us all sharing time and attention with each other, particularly the attention of my husband (which has been all mine for nearly three years as a married couple), and then think of adding another one to the mix in six months, there are times I just think - what could I have possibly been thinking?! I'll share more on this later, but this can give you an idea of what's been on my mind.

In the spirit of what I posted yesterday and how I'm feeling today - overwhelmed, like I just don't have time to do everything I feel I should and need to be doing, and that sometimes I honestly just don't know about this whole four-way stepmom, stepgrandmom, wife, and mother-to-be thing - I was reminded of this quote from The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring -

Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring. In which case, you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought.

Sometimes, the task God has given me seems overwhelming and impossible and I'm not always sure I really want it. I think it's meant to be that way - as were the tasks the characters in this incredible story faced. But, like Gandalf, I believe there is a Force - namely God - and a reason behind all the tasks we face. We are meant to be here for whatever purpose God has designed and in light of that, the only remaining choice we have is to decide what we will do with the time that is given to us. Sometimes it's a one-foot-in-front-of-the-other-thing, but it's those very steps by which God leads us and builds our faith, whether the steps seem to us ordinary or extraordinary. When I think that Frodo could not have completed his task had he not taken the steps to get to Mordor or given up in the process, that is an encouraging thought to me. One step, one day at a time, Janiners.

Maybe now I'm just rambling, but that's not anything new. I hope everyone reading this has a very Happy Friday - celebrate it in whatever way you wish because if nothing else, it's another day closer to our real Home!

UPDATE: In relation to this post, I just read this incredible blog about "plodding." Go here and read it. You will be encouraged and challenged! Thanks, Lindy!

encouragement for today

I was reading online this morning and was just so very encouraged by what I read -

Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin"— they simply are! Think of the sea, the air, the sun, the stars, and the moon— all of these simply are as well— yet what a ministry and service they render on our behalf! So often we impair God’s designed influence, which He desires to exhibit through us, because of our own conscious efforts to be consistent and useful. Jesus said there is only one way to develop and grow spiritually, and that is through focusing and concentrating on God. In essence, Jesus was saying, "Do not worry about being of use to others; simply believe on Me." In other words, pay attention to the Source, and out of you "will flow rivers of living water" (John 7:38 )……. If you want to be of use to God, maintain the proper relationship with Jesus Christ by staying focused on Him, and He will make use of you every minute you live — yet you will be unaware, on the conscious level of your life, that you are being used of Him.

When I read this, I think it’s very easy for me to lean one of two ways – either I can spend lots of time thinking of ways to minister to others or I can continually doubt what my life is really capable of accomplishing and what possible influence or impact I’m making on the lives of those around me.

The truth is, when I think in either of those terms, it’s really all about me and I’m failing to nurture and acknowledge the very relationship from which all hope and good works flow out of. It’s no good for me to try to think of ministering to others apart from nurturing my relationship with Christ properly (whatever that means between Him and I). And there is no reason for me to lose hope when it seems that my life is meaningless - without influence or impact - because in Christ, we are not without hope and our lives are not meaningless!

I really needed to be reminded of this today. Wherever you are today and whatever you are doing, I hope you will be encouraged.

an answer to prayer

In a previous post, I mentioned that I had some tests run this week regarding my elevated blood pressure and the functioning of my kidneys. Well, I received a phone call on Friday from my doctor's office that my test results came back normal! This is indeed wonderful news, especially at such an early stage still in my pregnancy. I still have to go in for my scheduled appointment on Tuesday for follow-up, but there is most definitely a sense of relief over this happy news!

I have to acknowledge the faith in action of a good friend of mine and another girl who was pretty much a complete stranger to me, but who took the time to pray over me in the middle of a Starbucks Thursday night when I shared this concern with them. My good friend actually stopped by my office on her way to work on Friday afternoon - literally moments after I received the call that my tests had come back normal - and we celebrated right there in the lobby of my office building over God's answer to our prayers! Thank you, my dear friend, not only for your incredible faith to always believe for God's highest and best in every situation but then to act on it immediately by taking our requests right to the source.

random interview

I have been interviewed by janjanmom in a fun, online game called THE INTERVIEW GAME. If you want to play, just leave me a comment and ask me to interview you and then I will give you five random questions (different from mine) for you to answer on your blog. Pretty simple and harmless. So, thanks janjanmom, for the questions and here are my answers to your questions!

1. What is your earliest memory as a child?
~ this one was kind of hard for me, but I would have to say it was of my crawling around on the floor of our family's mobile home when we briefly lived in Alabama (somewhere Army-based because my Dad was in basic training).

2. Describe an embarrassing moment from elementary school.
~ does Kindergarten count? I was in Germany at the time (Army-related, of course) and I remember having watched the Disney cartoon version of Pinocchio and was first introduced to the word jacka$$ (you can click the link and find the movie quote yourself; I ain't making it up). Well, at school one day I got myself into pretty big trouble when I called one of my classmates a jacka$$. Not one of my finer moments - although in my defense I felt since I had heard it from a cartoon, it must have been ok, even though it wasn't very nice.

3. What is a life acheivement of yours that really stands out in your mind?
~ I don't have any because anything that could be considered an achievement is ultimately God's achievement in me and I couldn't take credit for it.

4. What color do you like to paint your nails and why?
~ actually, bright red or light pink (though I gotta be honest and say I rarely paint my nails). Bright red when I'm feeling sassy and light pink when I just want to feel feminine (plus I'll keep the pink longer because it's not so flashy to me). I'm going to treat myself to a manicure soon though because the pre-natal vitamins are making my nails grow so beautifully these days!

5. What sort of event constitutes putting on make-up to you? (just leaving the house or only for certain things etc.)
~ pretty much anytime I'm going out in public. Although, I only wear undereye make-up and mascara, so I don't know if that even constitutes a full putting-on of make-up.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So, who's first?

janiners, the acronym

I love stealing ideas! I got this idea from a fellow blogger - janjanmom. Truly, I'm such a sucker for this kind of thing - all the personality quizzes, all the cutesy things you can add to your blog (I REALLY love my pregnancy ticker, I gotta admit!), etc.

J	Juicy
A	Ambitious
N	Naive
I	Ideal
N	New
E	Extreme
R	Relaxing
S	Sensational

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com


*** I particularly love the juicy and sensational descriptions. If any of you dare call me juicy, though, I may just have to hurt ya!

wild grace

A while back, I discovered by way of another blog, this blog called Wild Grace. It features poems, art, and photography by several artists and has just become kind of a contemplative site that I have enjoyed visiting.

Today, I went there and read a poem which one of the artists, Gracie, wrote in response to the happy outcome of the miners' rescue in Australia. The poem is beautiful and I think all of us can relate to a time in our lives where we have been rescued from something or by someone. I hope you'll check it out.

the names

OK. I can't tell you how anxious I am to know whether our little bundle of joy will be a boy or a girl! I am sometimes beside myself. I, personally, want a little girl. Only one person has asked me why and I'm not sure I can explain my reasoning. I think, in my mind, I've always pictured myself with a little girl first. It's not that I don't want a boy. Maybe it's because I was the first child in my family and so I want to have a girl first. Who knows? I'll investigate more and see if I can come up with some logical, deep-felt heart reason for my desire. Anyways......

My husband and I have already pretty much decided on our boy and girl name finalists. Isn't that amazing? And, my parents are pretty much in agreement, too, which even though doesn't matter in the whole scheme of things, really does help.
:-)

If the child is a boy (which is what my husband wants more than anything since he already has four girls), my husband has insisted we name him Jerry (which is my husband's first name). His family has started this little tradition with their firstborn boys of taking the dad's first name and giving a different middle name (so as not to make the child a junior). However, we won't end up calling the child Jerry. He'll be called by the middle name. Let me just share something about this with you. My father-in-law's name is Jerry Walter. My husband's name is Jerry Anthony. When I'm around my husband's family, they all call him Anthony and I call him Jerry and have two people turning to look at me. I have to admit this annoys me a little bit, but I have relented since the other two names will be family names from my side. So, we decided the boy's full name will be Jerry Allen Granville. Allen is my father's middle name. We would have gone with my dad's first name, but then our child would be Jerry Kerry and that is just unacceptable. So, Allen it is. Granville is my grandfather's name and the original due date fell on his birthday, so that's pretty significant.

Now, I've given lots of thought to what I would want to name my little girl. My very first thought for a long time was Samantha Josephine. But, when you put our last name on there, it just doesn't sound very feminine to me and a little hick. Her nickname would no doubt be Sammy Jo (which is cute until you add the last name). My dad suggested first names of Emily and Amy. Well, my husband's brother already has an Emily, so that's out. And, I'm not too fond of Amy. So, I compromised with one of my favorites and have decided on Emma. I had finally decided the girl's full name would be Emma Ruth Josephine. Why these names? Emma I just like. (And, it's cute to hear my dad already calling the baby Emmy Jo. How precious is that?) Ruth because I am in love with her story in the Bible and her name means "friend, companion." Josephine because it was my grandmother's name. My mom is very happy about this and so am I. One little problem. My mom's not digging the three names and she suggested a different second name. My mom's middle name is Rosemary, so she said I should call her Emma Rose Josephine. I have to admit I like that name, too. So, what to do?

I'm really happy with these names. No one's really digging the three names except me, but oh well. They're significant and I think they all flow beautifully.

I'm kind of interested to hear what you think. Just for the fun of it. You may even help me to decide or lend some insight into the names. Especially the girl's name which now has me a little stumped.

Should it be

Emma Rose Josephine
or
Emma Ruth Josephine?

a miserable weekend & request for prayer

I have no other way to say it - it was a miserable weekend. I caught some kind of bug that made me so ill on Saturday that I couldn't keep anything down for over 24 hours. (We knew it wasn't morning sickness since I've been pretty fortunate not to have any all along.) About eight o'clock Saturday evening, I finally gave up trying to eat or drink anything after so many times of seeing everything in reverse and praying to the porcelain gods more than my share. We had even called the doctor on Saturday and she had recommended some anti-nausea medicine called Emetrol. What a crock! Every single dose I tried to take would not stay down. Anti-nausea medicine my butt. :-) (Can you sense my disdain for this medicine?) I was lonely, dizzy, and miserable. Sunday morning, I started eating saltine crackers bite by bite and sipping water. It was getting better. Sunday afternoon, I was finally able to handle some soup and it was heaven. Really. I was famished, dehydrated, and still dizzy.

Monday came and I was still really dizzy with a small appetite. I was having to force myself to eat anything. At the advice of one of the nurses, I went in to be checked out. They thought I might have low blood sugar and was probably dehydrated, so it was possible I might need to be hooked up to an IV to replenish fluids and such. It turned out to be a good visit and my husband was with me since neither one of us thought I should be driving. He got to hear the heartbeat of our baby (which really made all the misery of the previous few days worth it; even though the baby will drain me, God has arranged it that the baby will get everything they need to survive, even at my expense, and baby's heartbeat was nice and strong) and I got complimented by the doctor on some things that might seem a little strange. Let's just say she knows I'm drinking LOTS of water and was really happy to tell me so! I told her my mom would be so happy to hear it! The dizziness I've been experiencing appears to be from fluid in my ears and she recommended some over-the-counter allergy medicine to help alleviate it. She also said it might take a few more days for me to fully return to feeling well since I missed an entire day of eating and have a baby dependent on me for its nutrition and well-being. Wow! Babies can be so demanding! :-)

One area of concern - my blood pressure was up. I won't even get into the lovely 24-hour test I had to take, but I will just say that I'm thankful I didn't have to do it at work. The doctors didn't appear to be all that worried or concerned so I'm trying not to be either. We will know better how my body is functioning very soon. My original routine appointment was scheduled for next Tuesday and I get to keep it due to my blood pressure.

I still haven't gained any weight or outgrown any of my clothes yet! Yeah! And, I'm just about out of the first trimester! Everything else looks really good and the doctors were very positive.

Please pray that when I go back in on Tuesday my blood pressure will be back to normal and that the tests I've taken will come back normal and positive. And, even if it turns out not to be, I know God will certainly give me the strength, patience, and wisdom to deal with whatever the doctors advise me to do. After all, I am choosing to believe that this pregnancy (as are most in my belief) is God-given and therefore, He saw ahead to all that would come and thought it was still a journey worth putting me on and through. So, regardless of the outcome, I have to trust that He is working out a plan for His glory and my good in all of it. Especially in the uncertainties and unknowns. Oh, for faith to trust Him more!

more 80's trivia!

Since Kyle sort of got the ball rolling and because it's Friday, check out the quiz below and see how many lyrics you actually know to those great 80's tunes! I scored an 81 and of course, recognized some of the lyrics I missed after I found out the answers. Duh! You know how it goes. Let me know how you do! Enjoy and have a great Friday!

I am from

I couldn't resist the opportunity to write one of these myself. It's kind of lengthy (as is most everything else I write), but I enjoyed taking the time to look back and write some things down on "paper." For those of you who haven't done so already, just do it! :-) You'll be glad you did. Mine's probably not the best example of length, so forgive me. You can find some simple ideas on getting started here .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am from evergreen trees and the smell and sound of the ocean. I am from the warm, salty, night breeze blowing in from the bay through the windows of the small second- floor room of my great-Grammy’s house where my brother and I slept during summer vacations. I am from walking the length of the small city where my brother and I were both born, from the McDonald’s at the highway junction to the park at the other end of town. I am from hanging clothes out to dry on my great-Grammy’s laundry line to be dried in the warm, summer, ocean air. I am from trips to the candy store with my brother where we would buy cowtails, gum, and soda pop nearly everyday of summer vacation. I am from lighthouses, Acadia National Park, Mt. Katahdin, and fresh seafood. I am from finding out the news that the very house my great-Grammy had lived in all my life and the place where I’d made so many precious summer memories with my family was being sold and my great-Grammy moved to a Florida retirement home.

I am from vacations on the road. I am from Niagara Falls and Mount Rushmore and Devil’s Tower and the Redwood Forest and Ruidoso and Pike Place Market. I am from fighting over room and space with my brother in the backseat of our car, from singing out of tune with my headphones on and driving my family crazy. I am from dinners on the road at McDonald’s and Mom stealing licks from everyone else’s ice cream cones because she refused to get her own. I am from a brother who played with his food, made us laugh till our sides hurt, and then grew up to become an incredible pastry chef. I am from a family that resembles The Griswolds when it comes to vacations on the road.

I am from the Army life and never staying in the same place more than four years at a time. I am from a home that, on the outside, looked just like everyone else’s around me. I am from making friends, moving, and making new friends. I am from learning to adjust.

I am from long walks with my mom in our Washington neighborhood. I am from the Maranatha Praise albums and listening to my dad singing, Come, Let us Worship and Bow Down. I am from pandas and coin collections. I am from “forest hotels” and singing along with Psalty the Singing Songbook. I am from Dad’s homemade lasagna and snickerdoodles. I am from homemade pizza and movie nights on Fridays. I am from Easter dresses sewn with love by my momma every year of my childhood. I am from a picture of a little girl hanging in only her underwear on a hook on the back of a door in her grandmother Josephine’s home.

I am from the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am from watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, from Mom’s homemade, warm yeast rolls, from trimming the tree with the same ornaments year after year that we had brought back from Germany when I was really young, from reading The Story every Christmas Eve and Christmas morning before doing anything else. I am from countless Christmas movies and songs.

I am from playing in the band at football games, from the music of Beauty and the Beast and West Side Story, from panthers to lancers, and from friends who I’ve lost touch with.

I am from failure, rebellion, heartache, moving away, and being on my own. I am from Wide Open Spaces. I am from a small, one-bedroom apartment with an empty living room and a borrowed bed to sleep in. I am from a 1 and a half hour bus ride each way to work and a three-mile walk home for over a year just to pay the bills. I am from coming to know the faithfulness of God in the sunrise that would greet me each morning walking across the Mingo Creek bridge on my way to catch the bus. I am from Testify to Love. I am from all the precious times I shared with the Lord riding the bus to work.

I am from brokenness and a trip home after nearly three years without seeing my mom and a reconciliation that can be likened to that of Jacob and Esau or the prodigal and the Father. I am from All Things New.

I am from late-night coffee house talks with good girlfriends, girls’ nights out, book discussions, prayers, and friendship. I am from friends I thought I would never have and from telling them (over and over) how very much they mean every time I get to spend any length of time with them.

I am from love I thought I would never find. I am from shoeboxes that hold cards, movie stubs, dried flowers, letters, pictures, and other sentimental memorabilia of my life since my husband’s love swept into my life. I am from two Journey concerts, more than a handful of trips to El Paso over the holidays, one trip to California, from Eureka Springs, and building an everyday-kind-of life and love together.

I am from a beautiful girl and her son that have seemingly captured what ever of my heart is left to give and a beautiful child who is yet to come.

I am from a life that is more than I could have ever dreamed yet still my heart is longing for a place I have never seen. I am from a Father who is so good to me I can’t begin to contain it! I am from a mercy that is renewed every morning and from new opportunities to make more memories.