taking a stab at poetry

I'm not sure you can actually consider this poetry. It's pretty random and it certainly doesn't rhyme. Just something that came out exactly like this -

Lost

She opens her eyes to another day
Feeling like she’ll be alright this time
She gets out of bed, makes her way through her routine
Hopeful of what the hours to come will bring

She steps out the door into brilliant sunlight
A song in her heart and a smile on her face

The drive to work is both blessing and curse
She enjoys time alone with the Lord and the music
But it doesn’t take long for her heart to be distracted
And soon she’s yelling at drivers and her own temper

She makes it safely to work in one piece
And thankfully, so does everyone else

She turns the key and the engine is quiet
And she sighs because it happens this way every time
And it already feels as if another day is lost
She cries out once again,

“God is there still enough grace for me today?”

His Spirit reminds her of His words and their truth
So with renewed hope, into the rest of her day she goes

What remains of the day is a mystery to her
But because of His words to her, she will not give up
Of God’s grace and love, she knows she’s assured
And because of Him, she knows all is most certainly not lost

pc definition of sin

Ok - can you tell I'm a little bored? (Yes, I have time to be bored. I think it's the no kids thing I've got going on. Ahhhh, but those days are almost at an end, too.) I'm listening to a politically correct version of O, Holy Night on the Glenn Beck show and the p.c. definition of sin is - "goodness-challenged activity."

Interesting. :-)

Don't forget my absolute favorite - instead of Jesus, we must now say "holiday infant."

SNL raps Narnia

OK, this is too funny. If you like SNL humor, and maybe even if you don't know or don't always, you really should check out this video. Kara, Jerry, and I watched SNL this weekend and we couldn't stop laughing. This video is hilarious!

Enjoy! Let me know what you think!

no longer strangers

There is another song I have been hearing on the radio that has really gripped me. It is called This Man and it is sung by Jeremy Camp.

The whole song is really beautiful, but one line in particular just resonates with me. It simply says,

..... and the veil was torn so we could have this open door....

The first few times I heard it, I was just overwhelmed trying to comphrehend the magnitude of the fact that I have an open door to God through Christ. Then, God reminded me of something that just made it very real to me.

Up until a few years ago, my family (my brother, mom, and dad) and I had had somewhat of a rocky and rough relationship. I'm not going to try to go into details here, but I will tell you that I made some heartbreaking, destructive, and devastating choices almost eight years ago that rocked my family's foundation, faith, and I daresay all the things any of us had ever thought certain to their very core. It was a very dark time God led us through and in the middle of it, I moved to Tulsa.

There were times after I moved out here when I thought I might have to leave and go back home. I don't think I'm way off or that my parents would be offended if I said that there wasn't exactly an "open door" between us. Oh sure, it opened wide on ocassion, but it would also remain only slightly ajar for months at a time as well. I never felt that I would really be altogether welcome if I had to come back home and I began to wonder if a time would ever come when I would feel like I was welcome to come back home even to visit. The time between when I moved out here and when I next saw my mother again was the longest in my entire lifetime - about two or three years.

Over the past eight years, God has certainly been working out His will in our relationship. It's been full of tears, brokenness, hard work, searching for understanding, and a lot of conversations. I can't say exactly when it happened, but I can tell you that it is one of the sweetest miracles I've ever had the joy of experiencing - the miracle of an open door with my parents and beyond that, a mercy and grace from them that I am constantly humbled by.

So, when I hear the line,

..... and the veil was torn so we could have this open door....

I am reminded of those desperate, dark, seeming hopeless times in my relationship with my parents and how God set things right and worked all things out for our good and His glory. And, how that same joy I have over knowing there is an open door with them where I thought there might not be again is only a shadow of the door that is opened to us with God because of His amazing love and Christ's magnificent sacrifice. What an incredible gift of an open door to God through Christ our Savior!

Now therefore ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellowcitizens with the saints, and of the household of God. (Ephesians 2:19, KJV)

my brother, the pastry chef artist

Say hello to my brother, Jonathan. I've been dying to brag a little bit about him and the fact that I am related to this celebrity of El Paso's Greenery Market. You probably can't even guess that we're brother and sister - we don't even look like we came from the same set of genes, do we? Oh well. Let me just share with you some other differences I've noticed over the years. First of all, he got a significantly greater helping of humor than I did. Since I got jipped and my brother got some of what should have been mine, I really have to work at it; I'm sure this will explain a lot to a few great friends of mine! Secondly, when it came to "knowing what we wanted to do with our lives," he had it figured it out in high school, decided exactly where he wanted to go to college, set his goal, and made sure he did the things to get there. Here I am at 27 and just now figuring it out for my life. And if you hadn't noticed, he's got some height on me. I'm about a good foot shorter than he (shortest in my immediate family, actually). He likes to take every chance to remind me that I'm his "little" sister, when in reality, I have almost five years on him! And finally, I would dare to say he's more logical and likely to reason things out. I consider myself more of a dreamer and probably a little "out there." Just a few things that are worth mentioning.

I don't think it ever came as any big surprise that my brother turned out to be a chef of some sort. When we were growing up, he would often take different flavors and blend them together to make some weird drink that he would dare me to try, mix cans of Chef Boyardee with some unusual ingredients and make it something most of us would consider inedible, and really, he just liked to play with his food (and not just when he was little). He made faces in everything (ie hot dogs and ice cream cones) and would make his food "talk" to us - it didn't matter where we were - McDonald's, Olive Garden, or at home. We still joke with my dad about how much it used to annoy him and always have a good laugh remembering my brother's antics.

In high school, my brother attended a votech and started learning the basics about the culinary arts. He not only enjoyed it but he was really good at it. He worked at a couple of restaurants as a sous chef and entered a culinary arts scholarship competition through the Vocational Industrial Clubs of America. He placed first at the state level and then in the top five at the national level. Because of his achievement in this competition, he obtained part of the funding for his college education, which would be at The Culinary Institute of America. He completed two years there and is now a very successful pastry chef in El Paso, Texas.

I know he works very hard, long hours and it's not always easy work, but I can tell he really enjoys what he does. There's no way he would work so hard doing anything else, I think. When I visited my family over the Thanksgiving holiday, we paid a visit to the Greenery Market where he works. I’ve seen his pastry creations before, but for some reason, this time, it struck me how intricate and detailed they are! I was very impressed and proud just to realize how much care goes into the things that he makes. Of course, I got to sample some, too, and let me tell you they are tasty! (Below is just a sampling of all the different things he makes!)

There is a lot more to his story that I’d love to share, but it would take me too long. He has definitely had his moments of despair, depravity, and grace. God has worked out a beautifully redemptive story in his life and everytime I get to visit with him, I think I am most reminded of God’s activeness in our lives. God doesn’t ever take a break and when I look at my brother, I can see how God continues to move and work out His will in our lives as we allow Him to.

So, here’s to my brother, the pastry chef artist, who still amazes me with his energy and humor and still plays with his food! Love you, my big little brother!

the one thing

God has been teaching me a lot about love - His love, the love Christ has for me, the love I'm supposed to have for Him and for others, how all these loves are connected and what love means for me as a disciple - in how I'm supposed to live it out and what the implications are for the church and the communities God has placed me in. My thoughts about all that God has been showing me will have to wait for another day, but what I can tell you now is that God is answering my prayer. :-) I have been praying that Ephesians 3:17-19, which says -

May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love; and may you be able to feel and understand how long, how wide, how deep, and how high His love really is; and to experience this love for yourselves, though it is so great that you will never see the end of it or fully know or understand it. And so at last you will be filled up with God Himself. (The Living Bible)

will become a reality in my life, in the church, in our community, and the world.

And, I can see where He's answering the prayer in my life and giving me a fresh perspective on not only His love, but how to love others. I admit that God's love is not always one of the easiest things for me to accept or comprehend. I've struggled at times with the reality of His love and just how strong it really is. When I begin to doubt His love, I just feel like the man whose son was healed of an evil spirit in Mark 9 and cry out in desperation, "I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief!"

I heard a song this morning that reminded me of the incredible love of God. My mom first told me about this song a few months before Thanksgiving. I listened for it on my favorite radio station, but never heard it. Then, the very morning we drove into El Paso to visit my parents at Thanksgiving, literally minutes from their house (I think the song ended as we pulled into the driveway), the song that I had never heard played on a radio station in El Paso. And even though I didn't know all the lyrics, the one phrase my mom had said to listen for was, "You really love me like You say You do." :-) It's a song by Paul Colman called The One Thing. I can really relate to it because I know I've questioned a lot of things in my life, but God always reminds me that His love is constant, unchanging, unwavering, bigger than my mind will ever be able to comprehend, strong enough and big enough to cover all of my failures, and will never end. (I know most of those words all mean the same thing, but oh well.) I continue to pray that the words in Ephesians will become a reality in all our lives.


Paul Colman, The One Thing

Here I am
In a river of questions
Can I pour my heart out to a listening ear?
I see this life
It's valley's and mountains
And I think of all the roads that brought me here
Oh that brought me here

I've questioned my reasons
The life I'm living
I've questioned my ability
To judge wrong from right
I've questioned all the things
that I've ever called certain
My race, my religion, my country, my mind

But the one thing I don't question is You
You really love me like you say you do
Yea the one thing I don't question is You
You really love me like you say you do
Hold me Hold me
So Hold me

Well I've questioned my significance
Meaning and relevance
Does the work I'm doing really matter at all?
Well I've questioned my friendships
Alliance, dependence
Who will still be here when I fall?

But the one thing I don't question is You
You really love me like you say you do
Yea the one thing I don't question is You
You really love me like you say you do
Hold me Hold me
So Hold me

Only one thing doesn't change
Only one thing stays the same
All I know at the end of the day is your love remains

But the one thing I don't question is You
You really love me like you say you do
Yea the one thing I don't question is You
You really love me like you say you do
Hold me Hold me
So Hold me

times they are a'changing

Well, changes have come and are coming to the triple-J-household! For those of you thinking we might be getting a new addition to our happy little home, you're right, but not in the way you're thinking. :-)

I don't even really know where to begin with this post. I've debated and struggled over whether I should even put all of this out here and why I want to - if my motivation is in the right place. I've finally decided to just put this out here and let it be. I'm such an overanalyzer. Lord, please forgive me of my overanalyzing!

To begin with, one of our vehicles bit the bullet last week. Right in time for the first snow of the season. Really, I'm not that upset or concerned about it - yet. I'm glad that my husband is not driving that truck anymore - he was having to fill it up with so much water/radiator fluid everyday just to get to work because it was overheating (in below freezing temperatures!) and so it was good to finally hear what the problem was and just face the inevitable. As you can imagine, my husband and I are carpooling it until we can afford to get another vehicle. It's not going too bad but the early mornings will eventually catch up with us, I'm sure.

This event, in turn, has cemented the cancellation of plans we had to visit my husband's family in California in January. Just kinda hard to save for a car and take a holiday trip at the same time. :-) This is pretty disappointing, but not the end of the world.

However, one thing we are going forward with is bringing one of my stepdaughters and her son out here to live with us in January. (Ah! Finally, the new family addition mystery is revealed!) And, we will begin looking for a bigger place than our little two-bedroom apartment so that we will all have some room to live and breathe. And this is where I get a little stuck in my thought process and how to express myself. This is not a big surprise to me - I knew when I married my husband that any of his daughters could come to live with us at any time and that a few of them already have children of their own. I'm definitely not complaining or upset by any means. I would describe my emotions thinking about this forthcoming reality of a new chapter in my life and marriage as ranging the entire gammit. I feel joy and an anticipation of good things that could manifest for this sweet girl and her son because of such a change in her life, which I believe is a positive one. I also feel more than a little anxiety and inadequacy to fully take on the role as guardian, stepmother, stepgrandmother, co-parent and all the responsibilities and commitments it will require of me. Am I adequate for the task before me? In all honesty, probably not. I have never been a mother, so to be first a stepmom to an 18-year-old who is herself a mother to her 2-year-old son is somewhat of a paradox to me. What can I possibly offer this girl? She's already had more experience at being a mother than I have! Yeah, sure, I'm older and supposedly wiser, but am I really? I've changed less diapers in my entire lifetime than she has in the past two years! In all honesty, what I feel already is that I am a fake, wanna-be parent. Instead of having my own children (we haven't really been trying anyway), I am going to try to parent a girl who is already a mother herself? Who am I kidding?

Ok, stop...................

One of my first responses to this is that I want to dare to believe that I can have the kind of courage or bravery to fully embrace this new chapter in my journey, like Peter in the Chronicles, or Ruth or Mary in the Bible. (C, I can't seem to get away from the word brave and it certainly seems it's becoming a resounding theme word in my life, particularly this past year.)

I think at this moment, I absolutely HAVE to believe that God is truly bigger than my circumstances, inadequacy, and anxiety or I will be swallowed whole and consumed by them. He thinks I am capable, knowing that I am going to be on my knees everyday, praying for strength, wisdom, patience, more love, and anything else I missed that all you other real parent friends of mine can remind me of. He believes I am capable because He knows who my heart is most dependent upon, and at this moment, it is the most comfort I have. I know without a doubt I will be clinging to Him for dear life and if I let go, certain disaster is waiting. Will I fail? Yes. Will I always make the right decisions, say the right things, be the right example, and not get angry? No. There are no guarantees as to how my relationship with my stepdaughter and stepgrandson will be or how things will turn out once they're here. However, I am choosing to believe that on the other side of the anxiety, inadequacy, the inevitable failures, and the tension, God is working out something incredibly beautiful for the four of us. It may be years down the road, there may be heartache involved, but I believe it is totally worth it.

On top of all of this, I still believe Christ is leading me back to school. I am continuing to pray for His guidance and timing, realizing that He is shifting my priorities in some pretty big ways and my eagerness to get back to school may need to be restrained until our family moves through an adjustment period. Maybe it doesn't. (Everytime I think of making plans that are more than a month away, I am reminded of the passage in James 4:13-15 that talks about not boasting about tomorrow. I am always reminded that God ultimately decides whether I have a tomorrow on earth and my best laid plans may not get to be carried out. I hope that doesn't sound too morbid.)

I think about all these things and I wonder, why now for all of this? Even though I have a lot of hope, it all just seems a little out of control. Where is the purpose in all of it and are we doing the right things? Is bringing my stepdaughter and her son out here the right thing to do? Will I ever get back to school? When will we be able to afford another car? How long will I be able to come to work with no vehicle - with no way to run errands during my lunch break and dependent on my husband to bring me and pick me up - before I start complaining? Am I capable of not complaining? What will it be like when my stepdaughter and her son arrives? Will we be able to find a bigger place that we can afford? When will we be able to pay a visit to my inlaws? AHHHHHHHH!!!

It's easy for me to be consumed with worry, feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, and insignificance, and helplessness, but I am longing to be consumed so much by Christ that all other feelings and circumstances just pale in comparison to all that He is. I really do believe He has a purpose in mind for all these things that are going on in my life right now, but my actions don't always reflect that belief and I desperately want them to. It's easy to talk a big faith, but when it's put to the test of actions, I just hardly ever measure up. At least in my mind. I pray that Christ will continue to teach me how to live out my faith and bring it to life.

Despite the concerns that have been weighing on my mind as of late, I want to acknowledge my utter dependence on God and the belief that He is in control of it all and the hope of what I can see through my narrow vision of all that He's doing in my life and the lives of those around me. So that when my vision becomes blurred or bleak in the months to come, I can come back to this and remember that I have Hope and that God is, indeed, in control. :-)

to Christmas or holiday?

I read an interesting news article online today about how A Charlie Brown Christmas almost wasnt. You can read the article here. (I think I've almost got the whole link thing figured out, Kyle!)

I can so vividly remember watching this little cartoon with my family while I was growing up. Although it was a nice story at the time, it seems to mean more to me now. I always feel like I can really relate to Charlie Brown's cry of frustration and maybe desperation -

Isn't there anyone out there who can tell me what Christmas is all about?

and I always get teary-eyed when Linus quotes the story I remember reading out of the Bible every Christmas Eve or Christmas morning PRIOR to opening presents. (Thanks, Mom and Dad for teaching me what the real meaning of Christmas was before Linus did!) I'm reminded and so grateful that year after year, God's words are still the same to me now as they were to a group of frightened shepherds on the night Jesus was born.

I think what first drew me to the article is that I've been hearing so much about the "to Christmas or holiday?" issue. And, when I saw the headline online, my first thought was that they couldn't have gone so far as to not air Charlie Brown this year!? (I know, like the world is going to end or something. You have to understand, Charlie Brown is like an elemental tradition to the holidays for me.) I think it would have put me over the edge with this whole Christmas issue.

My husband and I have talked a little bit about this and I guess I just want to put this out here. Personally, I don't have any problem with companies who want to say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas and I guess I'm not as concerned as some of my other conservative friends. It makes me sad, yes, and seems a little bit ridiculous to me personally (I mean, it's Christmas; what's so hard about that?) but I will not sign a petition to let the companies know how upset I am as a follower of Christ that they are "taking Christ out of Christmas." Why? Because they can't take Christ out of Christmas or this holiday just because they refuse to acknowledge it. I am not worried about my religious rights as a Christian being infringed upon or denied because I know that in this country, nobody can dictate how I choose to celebrate this holiday. If I want to say Merry Christmas, I have that right, but I don't need to force others to do the same to make it more real to me. I am comforted by the fact that no matter the circumstances around me, I carry the life of Christ within me; no law or person can take that from me.

I am of the mind that instead of fighting with people to make them acknowledge Christmas with their lips, we are called to acknowledge Christ at work in our lives and the lives of those around us by living out our faith in love and calling others to a relationship with the Savior that gives meaning to the Christmas holiday we celebrate, no matter what time of the year it is.

So, Merry Christmas!

when persistence may not be working for ya

I found this today and laughed so hard! Enjoy, my good friends!

blogging withdrawals

Well, all the blogging I've wanted to do has not happened. So, I'm warning whoever reads this that once I find a few minutes to catch up a little bit, it's going to be blogging madness! I was hoping to blog while I was out in El Paso with my family and in a higher awareness of gratefulness and the "holiday moment," but it was not to be. As it turned out, we were only there four days and I can't help but cherish every moment with my family because for now, it is the only time I really get to see them. And, I really LOVE them! :-) I'm sure everyone can understand or relate. Anyways....for now, this is about all I can write. I'm missing my blogging right now, but my writing hunger will very soon be satisfied.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

quotes to ponder

"forget regret or life is yours to miss"

"give in to love or live in fear"

"i'm looking for baggage that goes with mine"

- from the musical-made-movie Rent

Harry Potter mania!

Last night I had the thrill of sharing in the Harry Potter excitement by attending the midnight showing of the new movie with a great friend and about 900 other crazy fans! I always enjoy going to that first midnight "preview" because you know that the people there are there because they are really BIG fans. They're always an animated and lively crowd - cheering, laughing together, dressing up, and just generally being fans. It was awesome, moving, and more than a little heartbreaking - the best movie yet according to my friend and I. But, man, am I tired! What drives me to do stuff like this? I'm just not that young anymore. 27 suddenly feels so old. So, today I'm living and at work by the grace of God, as well as with the help of a mocha frapp spiked with a shot of espresso and a countdown of the hours until I can get home and retreat to my warm, comfortable, and cozy bed. But, honestly, I wouldn't have missed it for anything.

I have to say that I've been very surprised by my own reaction to these books and the movies. I used to be one of those people who listened lazily to a preacher in a pulpit tell me that Harry Potter was evil and didn't even think to ever pick up one of the books for myself to see if what he said was remotely true. I think I thought that by even touching the books it would impart some evil to me that I didn't already have and that anyone who read them must be evil. In August, right around the time the most recent book was released in bookstores, God and a couple of friends saved me from the error of my ways and I picked up the first book just to see what all the hype could possibly be about. After finishing the first book, I proceeded to read the next four books in a matter of three weeks. I guess the whole "touching the books and becoming evil thing" went out the window pretty quick!

I admit I have become very attached to these fictional characters and I sometimes think that it could really NOT be a good thing for me. I live in the tension of wanting to enjoy the life God has given me and not idolizing the things He's given me to enjoy above Himself. I'm learning and fighting to keep this tension and embrace it rather than running from it. I know that God has spoken to me in many ways through these books as well as the Chronicles of Narnia - about Himself, about myself, about other people, the world, about struggling and perseverance, and about friendship, among many other things. I think the best gift God gave me in these books was the freedom to feel like a child again. Not that I necessarily stopped feeling like a child for any particular reason - it was just something that happened maybe over time. And, in reading both series' of books - Chronicles and Harry Potter, God reawakened a creativity and a passion that I thought I had given up on and cast away. And so in response, I want to know Him more and allow Him to use this creativity and passion for His purposes and dreams for the community he's placed me in as well as the world.

You're probably thinking - all that from a few books? Well, yeah.

So, today I want to thank God for Harry Potter and for reawakening the child in me. And, for my dear, great friend who persuaded me to give the books a chance and for joining me last night at midnight for a most unforgettable Harry Potter moment.

Journey rocks!

Friday evening I had the tremendous pleasure of listening, dancing, screaming, singing along with, and just generally partying out with Journey, my husband and about 3,000 other fans at the Brady Theatre here in Tulsa! Man, I have to admit that I am pretty biased when it comes to this band (and the fact that I haven't seen too many other rock bands in concert doesn't help either), but I think they certainly know how to rock the house. And, I still have the ringing in my ears and the loss of my voice to prove it!

What really struck me about the concert is that the band never stopped for the entire two or so hours they played - everytime you thought they might take a minute and just talk to you, they started another song and the crowd went crazy on nearly every single one. They sang all the familiar ones and a few of their great new ones. My favorite song is, of course, Don't Stop Believin' and I screamed when I heard Jonathan Cain playing the piano intro. Neal Schon's small guitar solo that is intended to sound like a train coming down the tracks in the first verse gets me every time I hear it.

I love glimpses of heaven and one thing that always makes me think of heaven is the sound of a crowd of people singing the same one song - it just blows my mind! There are many times in the book of Revelation where it says a crowd too numerous to count were singing together the same song to the Lamb. So, every time I hear a crowd of people singing together, it's just beautiful to me and I can't help but think of what heaven will be like, realizing that the size of the crowd is only a shadow of the number of people who will be in heaven. At the concert, there were so many songs you could just hear nearly the entire crowd singing along and it gave me chills. I think it must simply be the unitedness of the crowd all together singing the same words that moves me. I can't wait to see the size of the "crowd" in heaven giving glory in one voice to the Lamb.

Thanks, Journey, for another great evening that I will never forget and for the fans who together brought me a small glimpse into heaven.

drivin' in the country

I just want and have to say how happy I am that it is fall! The wonderful crisp mornings are beautiful and the afternoons are perfect driving-with-the-windows-down weather! And, for those of you who think you know me, it may surprise you to know that the fall and spring weather both inspire me to get back to my country roots! (Oh wait, I don't really have any!) While driving around lately, I've been switching my radio over to the country station, just getting the twang back in my singing voice, spouting off words that you'd never hear me utter except when I'm singing a country song. It makes me laugh to think of who, as a passenger in my truck, would be in utter shock to see me knowing all the words to some of these country songs! Maybe it will give somebody else a laugh or at least a smile as well.

considered faithful

Well, I have to admit to whoever will read this that this week has certainly been overwhelming. In the job I do at work, the first and last weeks of the month are extremely busy and can be pretty rough - it's quite often a challenge for me to be positive or faithful to the task. I wish I could explain what I do at my job to help you better understand my frustration, but I've been explaining it to my husband before I was even married to him and he still doesn't quite get it (mind you, we've only known each other 4 years). So, this is part of the "tension" that I often live in and where the testing of my faithfulness is on a nearly daily basis - the tension where I hold in one hand the desire to just "give up" so-to-speak, stay home and admit defeat - that no matter how hard I work the work will always be piled up and it will never change so why try? (the ironic thing about this option is that when this side of my tension wins, the work piles up even more, making the task seem more impossible once I get back to work) and in the other hand, I hold the desire to be faithful to where God has placed me, to be thankful that I have work to do, to approach my work positively, welcoming the challenges and rising to them, to sort of accept the fact that I may never actually get ahead and just get over it, and just to do the best that I can. In my mind and heart, I only grasp at the thought that this should be enough. I'm just not quite there yet. And, as I'm writing this, I'm beginning to realize that God doesn't expect me to think that all those things should be enough. He should be enough! My delight in Him should be so much that all other things I think could possibly satisfy or be enough for me would pale in comparison and therefore lose their power to disappoint or discourage me. Am I way out there or is there some truth to that?

This morning, God revealed Himself to me about this situation in some unexpected and not-so-unexpected ways. First, there is a little "commercial" on T.V. that comes on every morning right about 7:30 and often, I don't pay much attention to it because in my opinion, it always seems sort of cheesy. But, today, the "commercial" was talking about being optimistic - the first thing the guy said was - "Do you see the glass half-full or half-empty? Do you see opportunities or obstacles?" And, my first thought was, "I admit that I see my work as more of an obstacle - I could call it Mount Work With no End. But, why can't I be happy simply knowing that God is with me today and go about what He's given me to do with a sincere optimism and joy?" I left my apartment, resolved to do my best to be positive and reflect more on the fact that God is with me than the seeming impossibility of all my work. God is certainly bigger and more powerful in my life than my work! Then, when I got to work, I pulled out a little book that I have here and it talked to me about faithfulness. Ouch. A double whammy - kind of. I was hoping God hadn't noticed my occasional lack of desire to be faithful in my seemingly horrible job. No such luck. So, I see God saying to me today that he desires for me to be faithful, optimistic, even joyful, and above all else, to recognize that He is enough for me. And I admit that this is one of my biggest struggles right now.

A really great friend recently shared with me the idea of "practicing" in relation to this situation. Yes, I've heard the word before and I know what it means, how to use it in a sentence, and such. But, my friend used it in a context that I had never thought of before. Here are some of the thoughts that I wrote down on October 14 after having lunch with this person -

Practice comes from a desire to master a skill, an attitude, a particular compilation of chords or sounds, whatever you can think of to master. Now, “faking it” or “masquerading” on the other hand indicates a lack of desire to actually master a particular thing and only appear that you have – it is a lie. The biggest difference comes in the desire. With one, there is a distinct amount of desire and effort involved. With the other, there is little or no real desire except to deceive and manipulate. So therefore, the question that must be answered is - Can an attitude be practiced? Can happiness be genuinely practiced while asking in faith for Christ to develop His very own joy within you? My friend seems to think so. I must delve into this idea further.

So, I can see God pursuing me in the midst of my struggles. Thank goodness He hasn't given up on me - He still shows me grace every morning by giving me a new day to try again and learn to persevere, allowing my faith and dependence on Him to grow, and managing to shine a light on my life and the lives of those around me.

a witness

The American Heritage Dictionary defines the word witness as - to be present at or have personal knowledge of; to take note of; observe; to testify to. I think this is significant when I think about how the following quote relates to our lives.

I don't know how many of you have seen the movie Shall We Dance? Read about it here. My favorite and most redeeming moment in the movie is just this quote that Susan Sarandon's character (Beverly Clark) shares, which to me is very powerful, moving, and true. She simply says -

We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

I know quite a few of my closest friends are not married, so I don't want to be like I'm holding up marriage as the end-all of being a witness to someone else's life. I think all my friends are different witnesses to my life just as I am to theirs. And, I think that idea of being a witness is an incredible idea - we all are witnesses to at least a handful of lives (I hope) everyday and what do we do with all those opportunities to minister, to be a friend, to share a lunch, to just give a genuine hello and ask a genuine "How are you?", to give a smile or encouraging word, etc....

But, there is something to be said about the fact that I live with my husband, in the same little apartment with three cats - he sees it ALL, even when I don't necessarily want him to. And, because of the vows we made to one another before God and several witnesses, we promised all those things she talks about - to care about everything. I'm very comforted in that someone has promised to come as close to me as any human person can and has allowed me to come close to him as well - to see the all the good, the bad, the ugly, the mundane, to share the excitement, the joy and the sorrow of our lives and to do it for the rest of our lives. My husband and I have become maybe each other's primary earthly witness to our own lives and that is an incredible thought to me! I have to admit that I also ocassionally have the feeling of wanting to hide because I realize that even when nobody else sees, more than likely (though not always), my husband will - and trust me, he sees a lot that noone else ever has and it ain't always pretty!

And, then, if I can take it one step further - I'm ultimately reminded when I think of this quote and travel down the thought process it takes me on that Christ has taken notice of all of us, came close to us and invited us to come close to Him. He is witness to our every thought and is and will be our witness before God of the faith we have and the lives we've lead, whether "good" or "bad." Now, that's something to think about!

Anyways....a very cool quote, I think. I'm really interested to see what anybody out there thinks about it.

Narnia-itis!

Well, like Ann, I have to admit that I have Narnia-itis! I have read through all but the last two books of the Chronicles and they have been incredible! I never knew I could enjoy or be as moved by books of fantasy as I have been by these ones!

As well as the books themselves, I have recently discovered a CD that is called "Music Inspired by The Chronicles of Narnia - The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" and it has been just as moving as the books! (And, I must say that for a compliation CD, I haven't found too many that are entirely as enjoyable as this one has been for me.) There is one particular song that has begun to really grow on me and the lyrics go like this -

I heard Your song coming over the hill. I know it seemed like the world stood still. You were singing a melody that caught me by surprise. Yeah, it sounded familiar to me like I'd known it all my life.

And, I keep looking down as I move in closer. My heart is racing now with fear and wonder. Could I come back to You, so long on my own. From where I am I know this is not my home.....

You're the One I believe. A king, a friend has always been holding on to me. You're the One and I have seen Your life and death, the endless breath breathing into me. Just the mention of your name and I know, I know I found love. Cause You're the One.

I think the part that strikes me very personally is the part that talks about "a king, a friend has always been holding on to me." I am in awe of Christ's power to be my king and my friend at the same time and also to always keep a hold of me. I know that I may travel far away from Him in my heart, but He will never let me go.

The beginning of the song just reminds me of a specific part of the story - the picture of a song coming over a hill, a song that seems so familiar you feel like you've known it all your life and it catches you by surprise to know that someone else not only knows it but is also the composer, lyricist, and singer all in one. That's just beautiful to me. I love the idea of God singing over us, like in Zephaniah 3:17, where it says -

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

These books, while fantasy, have given me a new glimpse of the great romance God has for us. They're wonderful!

work, interrupted

Today I had lunch with a wonderful, dear friend. She made me yummy lasagna, bread, salad, and a blueberry pie that makes me long for my dear late "Aunt Margie's" big backyard of a blueberry patch in Maine. I'm so glad for days that are so simply beautiful - just good, hard work, lunch and fellowship with a good friend, a fall day to relish in (fall and spring are by far the best driving-with-the-windows-down seasons), a reminder of the gift that life is and a preview of coming attractions.

Thank you, Jesus, for this beautiful day and I mean it from the depths of my lonely-for-home heart.

a new beginning

As I'm embarking on the beginning of a new chapter in my journey of faith, I thought a way of expressing, sharing, and just generally opening up my life would be an incredible place to start! So, here I am, and it is pretty cool!

I'm in the process of going back to college, and getting to this point of a serious pursuit and a clarity of exactly why and for what purpose I am going back to college is a big deal for me. Christ recently used a great mentor, who probably doesn't even realize that he is, to challenge me to name something - an attitude, a thing, a relationship, etc. - that has defined me or held me back from a fuller relationship with God. I have to admit that, at first, I didn't feel the need or the want to. I honestly felt at that moment, "I can't think of anything right now, so I'll pray about it and think about it later." However, most often Christ has other plans and I couldn't seem to escape the feeling that I shouldn't ignore the challenge being presented to me. I have no doubt that it was He who brought to my mind exactly what has the power to define me and hold me back. It was a painful thing to write it down, but I remember writing it down in small letters and I'm glad I did. Nothing, no matter how big it seems, is bigger than God or His power to accomplish His will in our lives! I'm glad to know I serve a BIG God.

So, in the process of recognizing this small word that has held me hostage in its grip, Christ has loosened its power over my choices and how I live this life I've been given. And, in doing so, I've come to realize that Christ is leading me back to college, which in itself holds many obstacles and a little anxiety for me. But, I'm telling you what, I'm ready for the adventure that I've kept myself from for so long - not only in pursuing college, but just enjoying my life! I can't explain or express how excited I am to be on this journey, with a renewed hope and clarity.

I have that feeling like I can finally catch my breath and come back into the light a little bit..............