considered faithful

Well, I have to admit to whoever will read this that this week has certainly been overwhelming. In the job I do at work, the first and last weeks of the month are extremely busy and can be pretty rough - it's quite often a challenge for me to be positive or faithful to the task. I wish I could explain what I do at my job to help you better understand my frustration, but I've been explaining it to my husband before I was even married to him and he still doesn't quite get it (mind you, we've only known each other 4 years). So, this is part of the "tension" that I often live in and where the testing of my faithfulness is on a nearly daily basis - the tension where I hold in one hand the desire to just "give up" so-to-speak, stay home and admit defeat - that no matter how hard I work the work will always be piled up and it will never change so why try? (the ironic thing about this option is that when this side of my tension wins, the work piles up even more, making the task seem more impossible once I get back to work) and in the other hand, I hold the desire to be faithful to where God has placed me, to be thankful that I have work to do, to approach my work positively, welcoming the challenges and rising to them, to sort of accept the fact that I may never actually get ahead and just get over it, and just to do the best that I can. In my mind and heart, I only grasp at the thought that this should be enough. I'm just not quite there yet. And, as I'm writing this, I'm beginning to realize that God doesn't expect me to think that all those things should be enough. He should be enough! My delight in Him should be so much that all other things I think could possibly satisfy or be enough for me would pale in comparison and therefore lose their power to disappoint or discourage me. Am I way out there or is there some truth to that?

This morning, God revealed Himself to me about this situation in some unexpected and not-so-unexpected ways. First, there is a little "commercial" on T.V. that comes on every morning right about 7:30 and often, I don't pay much attention to it because in my opinion, it always seems sort of cheesy. But, today, the "commercial" was talking about being optimistic - the first thing the guy said was - "Do you see the glass half-full or half-empty? Do you see opportunities or obstacles?" And, my first thought was, "I admit that I see my work as more of an obstacle - I could call it Mount Work With no End. But, why can't I be happy simply knowing that God is with me today and go about what He's given me to do with a sincere optimism and joy?" I left my apartment, resolved to do my best to be positive and reflect more on the fact that God is with me than the seeming impossibility of all my work. God is certainly bigger and more powerful in my life than my work! Then, when I got to work, I pulled out a little book that I have here and it talked to me about faithfulness. Ouch. A double whammy - kind of. I was hoping God hadn't noticed my occasional lack of desire to be faithful in my seemingly horrible job. No such luck. So, I see God saying to me today that he desires for me to be faithful, optimistic, even joyful, and above all else, to recognize that He is enough for me. And I admit that this is one of my biggest struggles right now.

A really great friend recently shared with me the idea of "practicing" in relation to this situation. Yes, I've heard the word before and I know what it means, how to use it in a sentence, and such. But, my friend used it in a context that I had never thought of before. Here are some of the thoughts that I wrote down on October 14 after having lunch with this person -

Practice comes from a desire to master a skill, an attitude, a particular compilation of chords or sounds, whatever you can think of to master. Now, “faking it” or “masquerading” on the other hand indicates a lack of desire to actually master a particular thing and only appear that you have – it is a lie. The biggest difference comes in the desire. With one, there is a distinct amount of desire and effort involved. With the other, there is little or no real desire except to deceive and manipulate. So therefore, the question that must be answered is - Can an attitude be practiced? Can happiness be genuinely practiced while asking in faith for Christ to develop His very own joy within you? My friend seems to think so. I must delve into this idea further.

So, I can see God pursuing me in the midst of my struggles. Thank goodness He hasn't given up on me - He still shows me grace every morning by giving me a new day to try again and learn to persevere, allowing my faith and dependence on Him to grow, and managing to shine a light on my life and the lives of those around me.