Thoughts on Feeling Isolated

 The Order of the Phoenix is by far my favorite of all the Harry Potter series, just as The Two Towers is my favorite of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. (I could devote an entire post to why these middle stories are my favorites and the significance of them to their overall stories, but that is for another time.) This morning, I had to make a choice to prioritize one thing over another, which consequently meant I would have to miss out on a time of fellowship with others to tend to other, more pressing commitments. And, goodness, do I miss seeing the faces and receiving the hugs of these ladies I have come to love so dearly! Being with them encourages me because we have common bonds of faith and military life and I always come away from my time with them reminded that I am not alone. So, as I felt that sense of isolation rising up in me this morning, it reminded me of a quote from the movie adaptation of Order of the Phoenix. In this story, Harry is feeling isolated, on his own, misunderstood, abandoned by his friends, and is also processing and dealing with hard things. When he meets with another friend, Luna, he confides in her how alone he feels and she responds by saying, “Well, if I were You-Know-Who, I’d want you to feel cut off from everyone else because if it’s just you alone, you’re not as much of a threat.” (Emphasis mine.) Listen, we don’t have to actually be cut off from our support system. Our enemy knows that we just have to feel that we are in order to trip us up, slow us down, and turn our eyes away from Jesus, and it is enough. And he will exploit every opportunity he can to produce those feelings, even when we are choosing good things, like I had to do today.

There have been so many times over these past several years that I have felt cut off from everyone else, doing life on my own, having to miss out on time with others to accomplish other things. The key word in that sentence is that I felt that way. But, in reality, it is FAR from the truth. Because of Christ, I am never cut off and I am never alone. Even when I feel that way, He is always with me. In addition, I know that I have a community of faithful friends, family, and an amazing church family that covers me in love and prayers, checks on me, and reminds me of the truth and power of the Gospel.

I am so thankful for the body of Christ and for the Savior whose life, death, and resurrection have made it all possible. If you ever need a friend to come alongside you and remind you that are not alone, to remind you of His truth, to pray with you, to remind you to turn your eyes upon Jesus, or just to sit and be, I would consider it a privilege to do so.

Christmas Market Tour 2012

So last Saturday, our whole family set out on our first German adventure together. Not wanting the Christmas Market season to pass us by this first year, we joined a USO Christmas Market tour/Train Orientation several weeks ago. I was so excited to go, especially after hearing from so many how beautiful the Christmas markets are and also wanting to learn more about how the train system works here.

Since we are still without a vehicle, we had to rely on a couple of friends to get us to the train station (where the USO tour guide met us for the tour) and then back to our hotel. Just getting to the train station was pretty exciting. My friend’s GPS cut out and we ended up taking the scenic route around Kaiserslautern. We finally found a sign for the Hauptbahnhof (the train station) and started following those signs until some of the landmarks started to match up with the directions I had received from the USO. It was a little crazy because we weren’t sure we were going to make it on time, but we did and I learned I could find my way by being able to look for those Hauptbahnhof signs. J

At the train station, we met our wonderful USO tour guide, Joanne, and a trainee that was with her training for the tour, Emma, and also found out that instead of the two we originally signed up for, we would be going to three Christmas markets. Joanne explained that there was more than enough time to do all three, so why not? J Both of these ladies were amazing to me because they have really become experts in what they do and enjoy sharing it with those who come on the tours. I enjoyed listening to and talking with them so much because they know so much about the area and the culture and because I have so much to learn. Before we got on the train, Joanne and Emma gave us an orientation of sorts about the train system in Germany. The train system, and Germany’s entire system of public transportation really, can be overwhelming and empowering at the same time. They make it so very easy for people to get around the entire country without having to drive their own vehicles, but there is a lot to learn. Joanne said it could take up to 3 train orientations to start to feel comfortable or you can just embark on your own and try things out.

After the brief train orientation, we went downstairs to purchase our tickets. In the middle of our group transaction, our machine actually shut down after taking some of Joanne’s money. Later, some of the other tourgoers (yes, I just made up that word) joked that Joanne was so calm about it because she knew she would be reimbursed by the USO, but that if it had happened to them, they probably would have just given up and left. J We also ended up in First Class on our first train by accident since there was no more space for us in the forward cars of the train. Joanne was, again, so calm - “We’ll just talk to the conductor later on.” I felt so bad for the guy who was sitting by himself probably looking forward to a quiet train ride and then, all of us climbed into his space with our excited kids and slightly tired baby. He was very gracious, though, and when we got off the train apologizing for our intrusion, he just smiled and said, “No problem. Have a good day.”

And then we were off the train and on to our first Christmas market, which was in Neustadt, aka Neustadt an der Weinstraße (new city on the Wine Route). Someone had commented that Christmastime in Germany is like a fairy tale and I would say that is accurate –it’s like being transported back in time just a little. We had to walk about ten minutes to get to the Christmas Market and along the way I just admired the architecture of some of the older buildings. The architecture is so diverse and I’m still learning so I have no idea during what time period most of those beautiful buildings were built. On the way, Joanne showed us a very interesting and beautiful fountain, called the Elwedritsche Fountain. The sculptors are Gernot and Barbara Rumpf, natives to Neustadt. Joanne enjoyed sharing stories about all the different scenes going on within the fountain and explained that the locals attribute political/societal implications to them. Like, for instance, there is a scene where animals are walking into an open bag. She said some people say that illustrates how people will bury their head in the sand and ignore important issues. I can’t remember all the others, but it would be fun to go back and see it again sometime. The sculptors' signature is a mouse, so she asked all the kids to find the mouse while she talked to us.

When we arrived at the Christmas Market, Joanne made sure we all knew how to get back to the train station, gave us our time to meet up there, and then let us loose. There were lots of festive Christmas decorations, food and other vendors, some rides for the kids, and merry music. Since it was lunchtime, we hit up a bratwurst stand and also grabbed our first mugs of Gluhwein, which is a warm German Christmas drink made of Dornfelder wine and other spices. As well as Gluhwein, they have what’s called Kinder punch (which is just non-alcoholic Gluhwein) for kids and Allen got to enjoy some of that. As well as enjoying the Gluhwein, you can choose to keep the festive mug they give it to you in, which we did. J If you turn it back in to them, however, they’ll give you back a few Euro. Joanne, at the beginning of our time in Neustadt, actually gave us all plastic bags so we could easily collect our mugs. I imagine that by the end of our time here, we’ll probably have a sizable mug collection. The Neustadt Christmas Market was small, but we still enjoyed it so much, especially not having anything to compare it to and it being our first time out and about in the German community.

 

After about an hour and a half there, we got back on the train and headed east to Deidesheim. There, we got to see another fountain by the same people who had sculpted the one in Neustadt and again, the kids were requested to search for a mouse. Since it was a bigger market and we didn’t have as much time to visit there as we’d had in Neustadt, Joanne let us loose sooner. There were quite a significant number more vendors of all kinds and we found a beautiful hand-crafted Christmas ornament, shared some more Gluhwein, and collected a few more mugs. J It started raining while we there, but it didn’t dampen anybody’s spirits or slow down the crowds – they just kept on going about their business with umbrellas or none at all, occasionally taking shelter under a vendor’s large covered tables. We were only there about an hour and then, it was back on the train to Freinsheim.

 

 

Freinsheim is beautiful and, I think of the three places we visited, it would be the one I would want to see again the most - maybe because we didn’t have as much time in the daylight and because I couldn’t take as many pictures there because my camera batteries had started to go dead. One of the most beautiful and interesting features of the town is that it is walled-in. Joanne took us around quite a bit of the wall before leading us to the Christmas Market and the site of where a live Nativity play was going to take place. Before the Nativity play, we walked around a bit. Either we didn’t look hard enough or went in the wrong direction because we did not find as many vendors there as even in Neustadt. But, it was also the end of the day, so that may have been why. Around 5pm, the Nativity play began. All the narration and singing was done in the native Palatinate dialect and even though we couldn’t understand the words, many of the songs we did since they were familiar. J It was quite the attraction – lots of locals and visitors -  to the point where you couldn’t see the play very well from the back. Luckily, we were standing right near where the play participants made their entrance, so we got to see all the sweet angels and shepherds while they were waiting. J We also had to smile and laugh a little to see the Three Wise Men drinking some Gluhwein prior to taking part in the play. J The play didn’t last very long and afterwards, I got to talk with Joanne and Emma quite a bit while Jerry, Allen, and Lucy found a medieval store that sold play swords and shields. And, yes, Allen managed to bring one of each home. He was seriously excited! From where we were inside Freinsheim, it was about a twenty-minute walk back to the train station. We did lots of walking that day.

 

 

By the time we were heading home, it was just around 6:30pm. It got pretty busy on the train when we hit Deidesheim as other people were heading home, but once we hit Neustadt again, everybody headed for different trains. Lucy shared very clearly with us on the train back to Kaiserslautern that her threshold for all the fun that day had been reached, but other than that, it was a pretty quiet ride. And, considering Lucy’s very vocal nature and just how long we had been on-the-go, she really did so very well that day. When we finally got back to the hotel that night, a little after 8pm, we were all truly and happily exhausted.

I know Allen’s favorite things were riding the train, the Kinder punch, getting to walk and run around, and the medieval store. Jerry’s favorite thing for sure was the Gluhwein. J Lucy enjoyed many things that day – the train ride, the music, and just getting out and about. I have a hard time saying just what I enjoyed the most because I enjoyed it all. Being at the hotel so much, it was just a treat to get out and see and be in the German community. I’m most looking forward to doing more of that as we get settled in. I’m so grateful that we got to see and do so much in one day and enjoy some of the Christmas market season this year. I hope it’s something we get to enjoy each year we’re here.

UPDATE TO PREVIOUS POST

For those of you who are checking this blog, I wanted to make you aware of a prayer request on behalf of one of my very dear friends. The weekend I left Tulsa, a dear girlfriend of mine and her family were supposed to come into town to visit with me. However, on Thursday, August 2, my friend called me to tell me that she and her husband had just been informed by his doctor that it was very likely he had testicular cancer. This came as an incredible shock to all of us and they decided not to come to town, which I understood completely. On Friday, it was confirmed cancer, and my friend's husband underwent surgery the following week to remove the cancer, and is now recovering. They are still waiting to find out what further treatments he will undergo, but please if you would do so, I would ask you to pray for them. They are currently serving in deaf ministry in Arkansas and were/are in the process of moving to Thailand for further training. They have two sons, one of which is nearly just a year old, the other just turned 3. Please pray for healing for him and for strength for my friend as she is taking all of this on. Pray above all that God would be glorified in their lives as they go through this. This is just one of many health issues that seem to be plaguing them at the moment, but they are trusting God completely to work in and through all these things. I always am grateful for your prayers and know so well that God hears them. Thank you for keeping up with me. I'm going to post again soon and try to catch you up on all my sojourning adventures!

I've delayed for too long

To sum it up -

My husband has joined the Army and is currently away at training, my little Allen (now 8 1/2 months old) and I have taken up the ancient practice of sojourning and are currently living with friends in Tulsa for another week or so, after which we will be leaving Tulsa, the home that I've known for nearly ten years, to stay with my parents in El Paso until the Army tells us where to go (and I can guarantee it won't be Tulsa), my stepdaughter and her son left our home a few months ago in dramatic and somewhat devastating fashion and have returned back to California, it is my husband's 42nd birthday today and he was due to take a PT (physical training) test and I still haven't heard how he did, my dear Tabitha Grace (my black-and-white cat who I've had almost as long as I've been in Tulsa) died today, one of my dearest friends (and whose house I'm living in) just got back from the Philippines today, one of my other dear friends' mothers-in-law is having health trouble, one of my dearest friends is investigating something she found in her breast, her deaf husband had a seizure a few months ago and is not allowed to drive himself around for a year, they are in the process of moving to Thailand with their two young boys next year, and are also coming to visit me the last weekend I am in Tulsa, my brother and his wife are preparing to move to New York City in October, my great-grandmother was buried in Belfast, Maine about a month ago, I'm hoping to visit my aging grandparents in Florida this October with Allen before time gets away from us, and Harry Potter's incredible story just came to an close. (The last one is not so dramatic, but it just seems to fit along with the theme of change for me right now.)

All this to say that life is going on and God is still in control. Otherwise, I don't know how I could very well endure most of the changes that life has brought and is bringing me and some of my very closest friends and family.

WOW! I really needed to get that out.

belle of the borderland ball

Well, here I am in the west Texas town of El Paso, NOT falling in love with a Mexican girl, which I'm sure my husband and many others are thankful for. But, I am falling more in love with my little boy, who has achieved some milestones since coming down here. (By the way, the people in the picture above are my big brother Jonathan, the uncle - who as of yesterday is a big 24 years old -- geez! -- and little Allen, his nephew. Don't they look so very cute?) Little Allen has rolled over and back all by himself now and continues to sleep through the night longer as I give him opportunity to do so. He's learning to be content by himself for longer periods (but never TOO long) and is expanding his vocal horizons by covering the octaves in a few seconds (I remember Cathy warning me about this - how fun!). At first, it was hard to tell whether he was screaming in pain or just exploring his voice. But, he thought it was quite funny that I would appear out of nowhere and look worried when he made this noise, so I caught on pretty quickly. On that note, I can definitely say he enjoys talking to himself while waiting for me to come get him up from naps and will occassionally wake up an hour earlier than his normal morning wake-up time and talk himself back to sleep. He really is such a "good baby." I hate saying that, because what does that even mean, but that is all I can think of to describe his temperament. And, he is very social. He'd take a person's attention anyday over any toy and whenever he's upset, most often he can be soothed just by someone coming over and giving him some attention. He's just like his momma in this way, I think. As time goes by, he just continues to capture places in my heart I never knew existed and I catch myself many times just wanting to take in everything about him every moment of the day. Alas, that will never be reality, but being down here without so many other responsibilities has been so very refreshing for me. I have had "more time" to enjoy him and feel even more bonded to him than ever now.

As for my time down here (now that I'm done raving about my adorable son) -
It has been pretty nice. My parents are enjoying spending time with Allen and clicking pictures of him. We've had a few weird moments, but nothing too out of the ordinary. It hasn't been exactly like I expected, but every family is different, and while my dad could spend seemingly every waking moment with Allen, my mom could go either way. It's been interesting to say the least, but don't get me started.

My dad has been out of town this week training in Arizona and before he left, we celebrated my brother's upcoming birthday. It was quite fun. For those of you who don't know, my brother is a pastry chef and he works at a place here in El Paso called The Greenery (he works in what's called the Greenery Market and Bakery). He is really quite the celebrity and does so well at what he does, enjoys it, and every time I get close to his work and hear his passion for it, I just grow more proud and inspired. Well, anyways, we had dinner at the Greenery Restaurant, and it was such an experience for me. Only my brother and dad ordered something that the executive chef prepared himself and when my mom and I made comments on how the food was presented (being the "hicks" that we are), my brother thought it was so funny that he asked the executive chef to come by and see us. Not really a big deal for him, since he knows the guy, but I was really impressed to have the chef explain and show such passion for his presentation of a meal. The staff sang Happy Birthday and then we were treated to a variety of the things Jonathan prepares for dessert. I wish we had taken a picture, because I felt like royalty - the staff brought four trays, each with two different desserts. We were able to split up all the desserts and then each of us was able to have a taste of whatever we wanted! It was so fun! To top it all off, the Greenery quietly footed our bill as a gift to Jonathan. It's such an encouragement to me to see a staff that has such a high regard for not only their work, but for each other. They value each other's work and it's so obvious because all night, the interaction between him and all the staff was so genuine. And it's always a joy to see people who truly ENJOY what they do.

Also, last Saturday, I got to spend some time with my wonderful sister-in-law, Tianna. It was fun to actually get a chance to spend some time with her apart from my brother, which rarely happens since our visits to El Paso are normally so short. We went to see the movie Premonition and got to talk in the car. I would never have guessed the girl could talk like she did (this is not to say anything bad about her at all, in fact just the opposite, but you must understand that when my brother is around, he pretty much dominates a conversation) and I enjoyed getting to know more about her.

This week has been pretty quiet, since my mom has gone back to work after spring break and my dad is out of town. My brother's actual birthday was yesterday and I made Betty Crocker cupcakes. My brother says I can't lay any claim to them since they came from a box. I understand.

I also had to learn to drive a stick shift again, which I was extremely nervous about. It was either relearn stick, walk everywhere, try to ride the bus, or stay home. Desperation played a big role. But, my first time out with my dad last Saturday went pretty well and I didn't stall the car out once. Yeah me!!!

Please pray for my mom - she is having foot surgery next Tuesday and will be home recovering. It's nothing too serious, but she has been suffering pain from a hammer toe and bunnions and has finally decided to have something done about them before the condition gets much worse.

I have to admit the days have been kind of long, since I am temporarily Allen's only caregiver. I'm so spoiled by my husband - he normally takes the last and first feedings of the day, so I can sleep, rest, and have some "metime" - but it hasn't been too bad, either. I miss hubby and I know he misses us. I will definitely look forward to that little extra sleep, rest, and space when I get back.

Speaking of which, now would be an excellent time for me to go to bed. (And, I don't care what Blogger says, this blog post was completed around 1 in the morning.)

only the beginning

There they are - three of the most important women in my life. From left to right, my great-grandmother Avis, my mother, and my grandmother Betty. This picture was taken a little over three years ago, in September of 2003 - the year I was married and the year my brother graduated from college as a pastry chef. It was the last great family vacation (a big one, truly) before my brother and I married our spouses and was definitely two weeks I will not soon forget. This was also the last time I got to visit at all with my great-grandmother, whose house was sold the next summer when she was moved to a nursing home in Florida.

I remember talking to my parents the weekend before they went to visit her that summer the house was sold. No one had shared with me that the house I had made so many summer memories in was being sold. I only found out by accident and I was crushed! I couldn't believe there would be no more memories of my own, my children or any of my family for that matter made within those precious walls. And, I couldn't believe my great-grandmother was being moved from the home she had lived in for so long. It turned out it was only the beginning of the end for Grammy.

And, so I have some very sad news to share. While my little baby boy's life is just beginning, another one very dear to me has come to its earthly end. My great-grandmother, Avis Bradstreet, passed away two Tuesday evenings ago at the age of 93 in her nursing home in Florida. Her condition, primarily Alzheimer's, had been progressively worsening and was complicated by a fall she took that broke her hip in the latter part of last year. She wasn't getting around much due to this complication and because of her Alzheimer's, she didn't have memory of anyone except my grandmother, who visited her everyday. She was in a lot of pain, was on a lot of medication which made her sleepy most of her days, and wasn't eating well. About a month ago when I talked to my grandmother, I had a feeling her end was coming soon. From what my grandmother shared with me, the nurses said she went fast and just passed away in her sleep.

I remember my great-grandmother with so much love! And, it has been so hard to know she is in pain and see her body deteriorate over the past few years. Until I moved to Tulsa and really started to call this place home, hers was the one our entire family referred to whenever we said home. Whenever we visited her, I could hardly wait to turn onto Bayview Street, see that sea-green house, and her coming out to meet us. I have another post brewing about her house because the house alone just conjures up so many memories for me. But for now, I just want to share that -

Within the walls of my great-grandmother's house, I

Spent many summers with my family
Received many hand-me-down nightgowns from my grandmother (the kind that were perfect for twirling around and feeling all girly in-oh, they were so very beautiful!)
Watched my grandmother live out her faith
Watched her read My Daily Bread every morning
Watched her enjoy solving a great crossword (and when I got older, I even tried to help and really thought my grandmother had to be very smart to finish something so difficult)
Sat around the table in her huge kitchen and shared meals with my family
Helped her clean
Explored her house (she really had a huge house!)
Played hide-and-go-seek with my brother
Listened to the sound of the water coming in on the beach on those summer nights
Snuggled with my Grammy in her humongous king bed and watched Johnny Carson late at night, which always made me feel really special (and remember, late night on the east coast is REALLY late)
Upset my grandmother when my brother and I would fight
Learned how to make coffee
Discovered dentures for the first time
Teased my great-grandmother about her precious New England accent - "Spahkle papeh towels"
First learned what it means to lead a life well lived and that you don't have to accomplish "huge" things by the world's standards to make a difference
Learned the beauty of stillness
Was my great-grandmother's sweet pea
Always hated to leave
And always got so excited to see that sea green house on Bayview Street that was home to the dearest grandmother my life has ever known!

I loved my Grammy and will miss her dearly. I’m excited that her life beyond this earth is beginning and sad that she is no longer here. Her love has forever etched its mark on my life and her legacy will be shared with my children and beyond. In the words of Mercy Me, truly, "I've never been more homesick than now."

some thoughts on new mommyhood in no particular order

Look at that handsome, happy little man! I don't think you could find a mother more in love at this very moment (well, I might know a few who would say otherwise). Kyle, you asked me a while back how I was liking motherhood. And, I said I liked it, but didn't love it all the time. And, at that moment, I don't think I was loving it as much as I was frustrating my way through it. Well, I'm loving it more everyday. Truly. I still don't love it in the way I thought I would, but here the difference still is that my heart can't seem to contain all the love that I have for this little boy. Eventually, I think I will love most of it. It is certainly more enjoyable than what I was doing before I was a mom and that is saying something. But, how could you possibly love every minute of parenting? I'm not looking forward to disciplining and learning to let go. Wah! So, it really is getting better. And, just between me and all of you, after wanting a girl so badly, it's so fun and precious to have this little boy in my life. I can't imagine having had a girl now. Isn't that just the greatest?

I've been recording little things in a journal for him (and myself) about his first few months and years of life. It's been so much fun! Just over the past few weeks he has been smiling and cooing so much more. His hands have even found his mouth and they are having lots of fun getting acquainted. He is a great listener, especially when mommy is reading or singing to him. I think he has gained my morning temperament, because he is always so very happy in the morning. It's like he looks at daddy and I and says, "Wow! It's been such a long time since I've seen you and I had almost forgotten how fun you guys are and now I'm SO glad to see you!" My favorite time of the day has become that time in between his first feeding and his first nap - he is the most alert and just smiles his precious head off, coos, and gets so excited to have mommy's attention. We really have so much fun together!

On a more serious note, two other mommys' words have returned to my head most often during these days of mommyhood initiation. One very recently just encouraged me and reminded me that I am Allen's mom - simple and yet profound for a new mother, believe me. Whether it feels like it or not, I, my husband, and God, know our son better than anyone else, and I can be confident in knowing that between the three of us, we can do what's best for Allen and our family. Something like that, while very encouraging, also requires a certain amount of courage to accept the realization that while many parents can give lots of great advice and share ideas, it's not always going to work for us the way it did for them and definitely that there is hardly ever a magic solution. Darn! It's hard work being a parent and sometimes, as I've come to realize very quickly, we're just going to have to find our own way through each situation and see what WILL work for us. Along with these thoughts, I am reminded of something another mommy and friend wrote in the months before I even became pregnant with Allen. You can read what she wrote here. When I read it at the time, I knew that I was being given a gift and that no matter when I had children, I would always remember what she had said and how very grateful I was to hear it before having kids. In a nutshell, it's the truth that I am never going to be all that my child needs. This has been especially encouraging when Allen is crying and nothing I'm doing is helping him to calm down. It's then that I remember what this mommy said and just pray for God to give peace to my little baby. Mind you, I will still pick him up and comfort him as best I can, but when it is not working, I put him down - mostly for my own sanity. He knows I'm there, but I have come to realize that sometimes, there will be nothing I can do to soothe his crying and it is ok to put him down.

At this moment, I finally feel like I am getting into a clear, but flexible routine with Allen and it is so refreshing! A friend commented yesterday that I seem more at peace and calm than I was even a few weeks ago. Well, yes, that is quite true. It's taken a lot longer than I thought it would to get settled into a stable routine and to just let go of my expectations of what I think the days of motherhood should look like and how they should go. But, through my son's eyes, I am learning to savor every moment. For him, everyday holds its own adventures, smiles, tears, poopy diapers, spitting up, the wonder of discovering something new to gaze at, familiar words to read and hear, new songs to learn and enjoy, new people to meet, moving arms and legs about in new ways, trying out dance moves in the bouncy seat, and of course, lots of nuzzling and cuddling with Mommy, Daddy, and big sister, all to name a few...... What a life!

Well, this is probably the most unorganized piece of writing I've done in a long time. I think it has something to do with the drain on my brain - Allen is taking all the good that's left of my brain and sucking it right out. I guess I can be grateful at least someone will get some use out of it. Just kidding. Sort of.

too sweet

OK, as the first (well, maybe second) act of reconnecting with the blogging world, I thought I would post this too sweet picture taken by Ashley Hopper of me and my precious baby boy, Allen. She is a wonderful photographer and captured this beautiful moment at our home a couple Sundays ago. Go ahead, you have my permission to ooh and aah. I know he's beautiful. And, by the way, if you live in the Tulsa area, I highly recommend having Ashley take some pictures of you and yours. We had a lot of fun with her, she was extremely patient with our baby and his babyness (you know, being fussy, hungry, and altogether, well, baby), very laidback and not in a hurry, and just had some great ideas for pictures.

Thanks, Ashley for the beautiful captured moments of our new little one! This one is my very favorite!

Our baby boy!

Hello all! For those of you who have held on and been checking this blog, here is the news you've been waiting patiently for -

Jerry Allen Granville was born on

November 7, 2006 @ 12:13 pm,

6 pounds, 14 ounces and was

20 1/2 inches long

I was in labor for 7 hours and never received an epidural (which God certainly has all the glory for by providing me with a high tolerance for pain, some great determination and perseverance, and some great encouragement from my wonderful husband, my two Lauras, and my amazing nurse, Carissa! Thank you, Father!). It was truly the most incredible thing to go through and thinking about that day just brings tears to my eyes. God is really soooooooooo good and I still can't believe I have this incredible miracle to call my son!

I'm hoping to get back to the blogging world soon and am looking forward to catching up with you all. I hope you all are doing well and enjoying Christmastime - it's my absolute favorite time of the year and it seems everyday brings an overflowing appreciation of the gift that Christ is to me. This year has definitely brought a new perspective to understanding Christmas for me, but that is another post for another day.

Anyways.......

Let me know how you are - I'd love to hear from you!

I'll see you virtually soon! Thanks to those of you who are still with me! God bless!

it's been a while, part 2

This post has been nearly two weeks in the making and it’s still no easier to write. Prepare yourself for a VERY long post.

It’s hard when relationships come to an end - especially ones that have taken up nearly seven years of your life. Friday, September 15, 2006 @ 5:00, I left my job with Family & Children's Services for the last time to become a full-time stepmommy, stepgrandmommy, homemaker, and in the very near future, my own kid’s mom. It was a wonderful and bittersweet moment for me.

I was only 20 years old when I started work with Family & Children's Services. I had only been in Tulsa a little over a year, had just been let go from one job that I had been at for almost a year, and was believing that God was going to provide something more permanent for me – with health insurance and other benefits. It’s quite a story, actually. I was without a job for nearly three weeks and had just applied with another temporary agency when I decided to attend Faithweek (my church’s summer youth camp) as a volunteer in the kitchens. My parents thought I was nuts and didn’t understand my faith at that time. Something in my gut and heart told me that God could accomplish more in one week without my help in providing a job for me than I could. There was a peace that seemed to assure me that God had everything under control with my job and financial situation and that I needed to go to Faithweek. I also remember feeling very called to go to Faithweek and God had provided a way for me to go by allowing me to be let go from my job (they certainly weren’t going to let me off for a week and allow me to return as a temp). So, I trusted Him with everything within me and went to Faithweek. When I returned, the temp agency called me the following Monday and told me they had an assignment for me at a place called Family & Children's Services. I started the next day and was hired on permanently on September 22, 1999. I can’t imagine how different the outcome might have been if I had stayed in Tulsa from Faithweek that year and had spent that time looking for a job on my own. It was truly an answer to prayer for me.

Over my seven year tenure with Family & Children's Services, I obtained my first vehicle for $50 (via an employee who saw my need for one and connected me with someone who had what I needed), made many new friends, celebrated life with those who got married and had babies, got married and changed my name myself, still have a celebration planned for next Friday to share in the joy of my new baby’s life with them, celebrated the pursuits and ambitions of those who moved on, shared sorrows and joys with many co-workers, suffered when some were fired, and now - it has all come to an end. Well, the work at least.

And, to be honest, there's a huge burden that has been lifted from my heart and life by this job coming to an end. I haven't been happy at this job for nearly two years and it has been one of the longest and hardest times I've endured, maybe needlessly. I've struggled between right and wrong, staying or not staying, whether I'm being faithful in staying or faithful if I left, about being faithful while I'm still there, and trying to voice my concerns to those in the positions to hear and make things happen towards change in the company.

A few weeks ago, my boss sat down with me seriously and we had one of the most heartfelt and difficult talks I've ever had with her. It was actually kinda weird. I've never felt any sympathy from her when it comes to feeling overwhelmed at work (probably because everyone at the company is overwhelmed), but I really felt like she was sympathetic to me as just another person. I had made some mistakes and fallen behind one time too many and in essence, she had reached her limit. I tried to explain that I had approached her many times before and expressed my feeling overwhelmed, but to no avail. And, as to other things, she wasn't even looking for an explanation. She knew my intention was to leave when the baby came and not return to my job, so she asked me to resign two months ahead of schedule. She said she wanted me to enjoy my last two months of my pregnancy and to not be concerned with work, but taking care of myself and the baby. She, herself, had gestational diabetes during her pregnancy, and was very sympathetic to the toll it is slowly taking on me. At the end of my time with her that day, I felt sad, more than a little anxious, and a little relieved that this long, bittersweet time of my life was finally coming to an end. I have to admit it's been even harder to want to go to work knowing that the end is coming. I just wanted it to be over. And, now - it is.

And where is God in all of this? Well, He was in the beginning of it, He was there all the way through it, He was there in the end taking care of me, baby, and insurance, He is in the relationships that will last far longer than the job ever did, He is there in the love and attachment that I feel to so many, He is in the memories that have been made, in all the laughter, the tears, He was there teaching me faithfulness and integrity and working to perfect me even when I was faithless and disobedient, He is in all the grace I feel for having been part of this company for as long as I was, and He is in all the things that have yet to be revealed and understood.

I'm going back next Friday for a baby shower that they have planned for me. It may be a little awkward, but possibly not. Some people don't even know yet that I'm gone and will be surprised come Monday morning. That makes me sad. Some people surprised me by their well wishes and heartfelt words of thanks and happiness for me. You just don't always know how much one life can touch another, I guess. I know there are some people I will have to call to let them know the baby has arrived and I know I will be returning many times to visit and show off the baby once he's born. They like that. They prefer not to have to hunt you down to see and hold the baby.

So, the work is over, but life and relationships go on.

I'm really looking forward to the next two months and the years after the baby is born. I cannot wait to be my kid's mom! It's something I always knew I wanted to be and now, the time has finally come for this chapter to be opened and written.

I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come

every season

Days like today – the whisper of fall in the cooler air and even in the way the sun shines, the beginning of trees shedding their summer-kissed leaves, being able to drive with the windows down and breathe it all in – it all just sings a beautiful love song to me of God, of hope, and of my favorite time of the year on the way. It makes me want to cry for joy and makes me so very thankful that my first child will be born in the fall. I would give a thousand summers to live just perpetually in the fall, winter, and spring seasons. Days like today just make me thankful to be alive. And, it kinda leads well into what my next post is going to be about. I've entered a season of fall in one area of my life where one chapter is ending and spring is about to blossom in another area and a whole new life is about to arrive - literally! Joy and a little sorrow comingled.

It all reminds me of a song by one of my favorite singers and it should come as no surprise who it is – Nichole Nordeman.

The song is called Every Season and needs no explanation or interpretation. Enjoy!

Every evening sky, an invitation, to trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration, for freedom that is ours
And I notice you in children's games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered to the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September and sending us inside
Still I notice you when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come
You are autumn

And everything in time, and under heaven, finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation, shivers underneath
And still I notice you when branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death you open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
And what was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with you, and how you make me new
With every season's change
And so it will be as you are recreating me

Summer autumn winter spring

it's been a while, part 1

Well, I realize it’s been a long time since I wrote anything on here. I’ve been kinda struggling. I’m just tired of having not-so-fun things to write about because I realize everyone has stuff going on and what is my stuff compared to everyone else’s? And for those of you who don’t like to read long posts, well, you know who you’re dealing with. I’ve hardly ever written a short post in my life, so I’ll just get on with it already.

In the past few days, my life has changed dramatically. No, the baby hasn’t been born yet or anything (I wouldn’t dare not tell anyone at Rivendell about something that big!), but simple things like eating and drinking and bigger things like work versus staying home have added some stress (and a little joy!) to my life these past few days and I can’t keep it all to myself anymore.

Over the past four weeks, I have taken some tests that any mother-to-be takes – the glucose screening test and most often, the 3-hour glucose tolerance test/challenge. Well, I flunked them both – miserably. I was most upset when I found out I had flunked the tolerance test and knew that I was going to be dealing with gestational diabetes. However, I tend to want to stay positive and see it as a new opportunity to trust Him more, so I just resolved, “Alright, God, we’re going to do this. Whatever I have to do I just have to do it and the rest is in Your hands.”

So, this past Monday, I went to see the dietician, picked up my meter, and got educated on how I need to eat, what I need to eat, how often I need to eat, anything you could think of relating to eating – I learned it! I really enjoyed my visit and meeting with the dietician and felt relieved when I left. I called my doctor’s office to ask them to call in a prescription for my test strips and lancets and went to get me some lunch. Two hours after lunch, I took my second blood sugar testing and was discouraged to see that it was elevated – I was sure I had followed everything the dietician had told me, so I was kind of upset. A few hours later, I was telling myself, “It’s ok. It’s your first day. It’s going to take a few days for your blood sugar to even out. CHILL!” Then, my husband and I went to the pharmacy before dinner to pick up my prescriptions, which included my prenatal vitamins and all my diabetes stuff. The price of the strips about knocked me over and I got discouraged again – “This diabetes diet isn’t even going to work and we’re going to pay all this money for these strips just to find out my blood sugar won’t level out!” I actually broke down crying as quietly as I could in the Wal-Mart store and put some things back that I felt like, “You know what? I just don’t need this stuff.” And I felt like my life as I knew it was over (I can really make things seem bigger than they are, I know). My poor husband didn’t know what to do. I was just so discouraged that first day.

These are the moments I feel like I really forget to trust God and allow the circumstances around me to seem bigger than they are and more importantly, bigger than Him. What are test strips and lancets to Him? Does He sympathize with what I’m going through? Undoubtedly yes! Is He worried about how we’re going to pay for the testing supplies or that the diet might not work? Absolutely not. Please, Lord, increase my faith to NOT WORRY!

Since Monday, my blood sugar numbers have leveled out – Praise the Lord for that! – and my OB is very happy with them as well since she expected them to be a lot higher after looking at my tolerance test results, which were pretty ominous. Actually, my appointment yesterday with my OB was one of the most positive I’ve had so far. Even though my pregnancy has developed some complications, it’s a relief to hear that my OB feels they’re being managed well. I can’t thank God enough for my OB – she is so positive, down to earth, and will still tell me like it is that I just am very thankful for her! I joked with her that pretty much all I think about everyday now is drinking enough water, what I’m going to eat at meals/snacks, and checking my blood sugar. She told me, “Janine, you’re in the home stretch now - not much longer. Just hang in there and keep doing what you’re doing! You’re doing great!” Isn’t she great?!

And, I’m still holding at only five pounds gained. I don’t imagine I’ll gain anymore and may even lose some now that I’m eating every few hours and am very limited on my carbs. My OB doesn’t sound concerned about me losing weight as long as I’m not feeling hungry and getting enough to eat.

So, that’s just part one. The rest is actually harder to talk about, but I’ll get to it soon.

re-reading Harry Potter

Well, in commemoration of having read the first five books in the series of Harry Potter last August, I started re-reading them again this August. Since I found I couldn't put them down and read them through very quickly the first time, I'm sort of taking my time this year. I just finished the first one this weekend. That's a whole week longer than last year. By this time last year, I was already working on the third book. I admit, I was a little obsessed.

Well, anyways.... as some of you may know, the former title of my blog was where God can be found and I had named it so, in part, because of Harry Potter. God met me in some ways while I was reading these books that I completely did not expect..... First of all, if you had asked me a year ago before August to read Harry Potter, I would have looked at you like you were asking me to eat worms. All that I had heard gave me the terrible impression that anyone who read Harry Potter was evil. I was really a mess. A good friend, whose judgment I completely trusted, convinced me she had read them and was no worse off than before. So, I started reading them, just to see what the hype was all about. And, as you can tell by the first paragraph of this post, I became a "Harry Potter believer" in just a few short weeks..... So, back to the many ways God met me in the story of this wizard boy. It was in reading Harry Potter and sharing my experience of reading it with this friend that I came to realize the passion for story and words that God has placed within me. I also began to realize more clearly that I spent a lot of time reading these books and did not spend as much time or find as much joy in reading God's own word. I distinctly remember not having so much a sense of condemnation as a sense of sadness that I was missing out on sharing in a much bigger and more significant story than Harry Potter could ever be. God used these books to draw me back to His story and to rid me of some old, crippling hang-ups I had about "quiet times." He also showed me the beauty of the tension that comes from being in the world and not of it - enjoying and sharing the gifts God has given us, but not making them idols above Himself. I had to repent many times for what I could see becoming more important than God while reading these books. And, of course, I was deeply moved by the friendships that the main characters shared - good times and bad. Friendships, loyalty, and bravery are all things that seem to move me very deeply. There are also definite spiritual themes that I can see playing out in these stories. There is talk about love and how the shedding of blood protects Harry and of course, the battle between a definite good and evil and many themes revolving around both aspects of the fight. There are also two resounding elements of death and power which saturate the darker plots of the story.

I really enjoy these books and hopefully, this time around, I can spend a little more time taking them in (and living within that tension I talked about) and also doing what I love - exploring some of the themes of these stories in my own words and sharing a little bit of my passion for them with you. And, if you haven't read these books before, I'm giving you fair warning that in talking about them, I may give some of the story away. So if you think you'll ever read the books and don't want to know anything ahead of time, don't read my coming posts about Harry Potter!

For the moment, here are some quotes that I loved from the book, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, this time around -

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that."

"Harry - you're a great wizard you know."
"I'm not as good as you," said Harry....
"Me!" said Hermione. "Books! And cleverness! There are more important things - friendship and bravery..."

"Your mother died to save you. If there is one thing Voldemort cannot understand, it is love. He didn't realize that love as powerful as your mother's for you leaves its own mark. Not a scar, no visible sign...to have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever. It is in your very skin...."

"There are all kinds of courage. It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends...."

I Miss my Brain

*** I thought this picture was perfect to go along with this little poem I wrote below. When I first told a good friend of mine how much I was missing my brain, she said I probably wouldn't be seeing it again - ever! So, I'm waiting patiently for the pitch black! ***

Oh brain how I’ve missed your ever-thoughtful self these days!
Our relationship just hasn’t been the same since baby’s been on the way.
Absentmindedness, not focus has been my strength of late
I admit the will to fight the memory drain is hard to motivate.

I first noticed your absence one day when I got to work without my keys
And went hunting through the office, praying to find them – “Please, God please!”
How was I to know they were safely tucked at home?
Just where little hands can’t take them off to roam.

And you weren’t there the time I went hunting twice through my purse
For something sitting right in front of me – someone get me a nurse!
And what about the time that Friday right around ten
I just know I was supposed to be somewhere – where were you then?

I find myself stepping into a room and confusedly looking around
What did I come in here for, I wonder – but the answer cannot be found
And driving’s not looking any better these days.
Forget the road rage - I just drive aimlessly in a haze.

Oh brain, how I miss you!
My sweet holder of memory, how I need you!

Please come back and release me from this prison of forgetfulness
So I can get back to my former life of usefulness
Otherwise, I’m afraid of what may happen when baby’s finally here
And I forget to change his diaper and he’s crawling around with a poopy rear!

my mom and faith

Well, I gave in this weekend - just decided to call my mom and end the standoff. By the way, I think I'm the only one who thought it was a "standoff."

I spoke first with my brother and while I was encouraged in what I needed to do, I was discouraged in something else. My brother kind of reinforced what I really already knew and that is that I can't wait for my parents to take the initiative and call me. Sad, but true. Almost four weeks had gone by and neither of us had called the other. I had been waiting to give them the chance to take the initiative, but it wasn't happening. So, I decided I would just call them, keep them updated, and see how they were doing.

Before we hung up, however, my brother said something to me that just broke my heart. We were talking about my mom, which is part of the reason I called him before calling her on Sunday. Let me just explain without saying too very much that my mom has been diagnosed with a serious mental illness. She has been in counseling for almost eight years and is on medication, which is constantly changing (dosage or new medication altogether). Sometimes, conversations with my mom can go very well and other times, like ones I've previously mentioned, not so much. You honestly never know what kind of mood you might find her in. I realize that can be true for really all of us, but with my mom it's just way different. I'm learning that my best bets for catching her on a good day are Sundays - she hasn't been at work, she's had, hopefully, a day to rest, and is generally pretty happy. Well, in talking about my mom, my brother said basically that he believes my mom will never get better and even went so far as to say she is getting worse, not better.

Even writing this, I just want to cry. Because not only do I have a mom who is suffering and is generally miserable, but I have a brother who doesn't believe she can or will get better. I got off the phone with my brother and looked at my husband and was just like, how can he even say something like that? Do we believe in the same God? I guess I just feel or believe differently here. Because whether my mom gets better or not won't keep me from praying for God to heal her or from believing that she can and will get better. I believe in a God who does the seemingly impossible and gives me every reason to hope the best.

Where do I find the faith and hope to believe these things? Check out Hebrews 11, particularly verse 13 -

"All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance."

Others have faithfully waited even unto death for what God had promised; in my mind, they waited and believed for greater things than I!

And because of the faith and hope God has placed within me, I'd rather live my entire life praying for God to heal my mom than to live one day thinking that she can't or won't get better. It doesn't mean that I won't accept my mom as she is while I'm in relationship with her or that I won't encourage her, but it does mean that I am not accepting things as they currently are as the final answer. God has the final say.

Thank you, God, for giving us the hope and faith to believe the seemingly impossible and to see You more clearly in all of the circumstances you place us in!

And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
James 5:15-16

sing over me

WOW! First I have to say I can't believe I've passed the 100 days to go mark! Woo-hoo! Not much longer!

This CD to the left is truly a gift I feel is right from God's own heart to my own. Since I've been pregnant, the one verse and thought that continues to come to my mind is Zephaniah 3:17 and the thought that I so desire God to sing over me and baby. Most of all, I want desperately for God to sing peace over all of my being and for the peace of Christ to become my own.

This particular CD is a compilation project of some of the contemporary Christian women artists (four of which are mothers themselves) I enjoy the most, including Nichole Nordeman! Yeah!

One thing Nichole Nordeman writes in the CD enclosure, which I have yet to experience but seems to echo with stories from those I've talked with, is this -

"....Nobody thinks about worshipping in a rocking chair at 3 am. But this is the reality of motherhood.... stealing away with God one moment at a time, not so much for the desire of being heard and seen, but more for the rare chance to listen."

I've been listening to this CD here at work today and it's very soothing, peaceful, and just precious. It has some familiar worship songs, intentionally recorded with gentle arrangements, on it like How Great is Our God, Here I Am to Worship, Hold on to Jesus, We Fall Down, and Jesus Loves Me. There are also some new ones I already love and I'm looking forward to rocking my little boy to sleep, whether at 3 am or 7 in the evening, to this music. And I look forward to singing over him words of worship to praise the God who sent the precious little gift of him to me.

The other thing which I just thought was so very cool is that when I opened the CD case, it had the words of Zephaniah 3:17 inside. I about cried! God truly loves to give his daughters and sons good gifts!

beautiful photo

Isn't this an incredibly beautiful picture? It's apparently called a nacreous cloud and was seen some 20 km above a science station in Antartica. Man, it's just beautiful! I'd love to see some of these incredible clouds in person and I've always wanted to see the Northern Lights, although this is something completely different.

Enjoy!

another song

Well, I've just got songs running through my head today.

I heard the following song on my way home late last night from my girlfriend's house and it always just gets me. It's a very simple song, but I love it.

When I heard it for the first time, I really felt like it could have been written by my husband just for me. There's just something about him that lets me know I'm the very most important person in the world to him. Maybe it's when he waits up for me after midnight just to make sure I get in alright. Or maybe it's when he tells me he loves me for no particular reason a million times a day. Or maybe it's all the times he's gone back out for something that we forgot and didn't realize it was missing until we got home. I don't know. It's all the little things, all the hugs and kisses, and all the times he makes time to just talk with me that let me know that even though it seems to the world, I may be just another girl - to him, I am the world. (And yes, I'm a country music junkie.)

The World, by Brad Paisley

To the teller down at the bank
You're just another checking account
To the plumber that came today
You're just another house
At the airport ticket counter
You're just another fare
At the beauty shop at the mall
Well you're just another head of hair
Well that's alright, that's ok
If you don't feel important, honey
All I've got to say is

Chorus:
To the world
You may be just another girl
But to me
Baby, you are the world

To the waiter at the restaurant
You're just another tip
To the guy at the ice cream shop
You're just another dip
When you can't get reservations
'Cause you don't have the clout
Or you didn't get an invitation
'Cause somebody left you out
That's alright, that's ok
When you don't feel important honey
All I've got to say is

Chorus:
To the world
You may be just another girl
But to me
Baby, you are the world

You think you're one of millions but you're one in a million to me
When you wonder if you matter, baby look into my eyes
And tell me, can't you see you're everything to me

I will stand

Last night, after what felt like the worst downer day I’d had in a long time, I got to spend some much-needed girl time with my best friend. Man, I love that girl! I just can’t tell you how many times I’ve needed a friend and she’s ALWAYS been there. She is truly a blessing straight from the Lord. I know that because of her friendship, I have a better understanding of Christ as my friend. I am so thankful for her!

Well, we were doing one of the things we love most – getting ready for a road trip. Remember, we’re going to see Rascal Flatts this weekend???!!! And, as with ANY road trip, there is LOTS of music involved. We’ve tried for a few weeks to get together to burn mixed CD’s for the three of us that are going and last night, we finally did it! We had so much fun – picking out the songs and mixing them up before burning the CD’s. You’d think by all the Rascal Flatts' songs on the CD’s that we were, like, big fans or something. Well, there’s a song on the new Rascal Flatts’ CD that we included on our mixed ones that just describes pretty well how I feel today, considering what I wrote about yesterday. It’s called Stand. I can’t wait to hear it in person. Here are the lyrics -

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright

Chorus:
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand

Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place


God has never failed to pull me up from the lowest points in my life and I know with His help, His wisdom, His understanding, and His peace, it will be no different this time. When I think that the purpose is unclear to me, I have to remember that it's so very clear to Him and that what He most wants from me is to trust Him and continue to follow Him in the midst of all the uncertainty. I was praying for this very thing - more faith, a more mature faith - as I was driving to pick up my husband from work yesterday. And God is so good, because in the midst of it all, His gentle voice is reminding me to trust Him, is reminding me that I'm not alone, and that He will never leave me.

I will stand - on His words, on His love, on the most solid Rock I've come to know.

that lonesome feeling

Well, it seems my mom and I have had a setback. And after I thought things were going so well.

The day of my last ultrasound, I called a few of my good friends to relate the good and bad news about the baby and to ask for prayer. I thought I'd just call my mom real quick and let her know what was going on. The conversation didn't go well and was pretty brief. When I tried to just quickly tell her what was going on, she yelled at me. I hung up in tears and felt everything I had tried to hold together that day just went out the window. I really felt I needed my mom in that moment and she was "emotionally unavailable."

My mom called me back about ten minutes later and promptly informed me that things were not the best for her right now - she's working ten hour days at work and still having to go in on the weekend to do her own work - and I told her that I completely understood and I was sorry things were so hard for her right now. She told me that I would just have to deal with her this way. She asked what was up and after telling her what was going on, it seemed like she hadn't even heard me because she acted like everything was fine and that there was no reason for me to be calling her. Since that day, I haven't talked to her and I've been advised by a few close friends not to call her until the baby is born. It's not sounding like a bad idea.

I gotta tell you that it all gets old and wears on me after a while.

It's hard enough to be so far away for birthdays, some holidays and especially now, when I'm pregnant and feel like I need my parents closer to me more than ever. My dad just celebrated his 50th birthday yesterday, my mom will celebrate hers on September 6, they've been married 30 years this year and are going to be first-time grandparents, but it just seems that we can't get our relationship together. So much joy and pain all at once it seems. I'm sure Jesus must have felt this way on His way to the cross, but at least His purpose was clear. The purpose in all of this is still unclear to me and yet life just keeps going - relationships remain unhinged, time passes, a baby grows, ultrasounds happen, dinner gets made each night, people go to work, bills get paid, appointments are kept, medicine is taken, life happens.

Since I moved here, I've been reminded so many times that it was I who chose to move so far away from my family. OK. Fine. But, for being the one that moved away, I spend a lot of time trying to stay connected with them and sometimes, I just don't know if it's worth it. It's not like I've been keeping score on who calls who how many times, but it hurts after so many years that even now I get yelled at just for calling at the wrong time. Why does it have to be so hard? I feel like I'm constantly apologizing for my mom's hangups.

All this leaves a pregnant mommy-to-be feeling kinda lonely, neglected, and fairly overwhelmed. I'm sure it shows, too. (Although my friends are all wonderful, keep up with me, and in so many tangible ways have become my family.) I even dreamt about writing this blog. So weird.

And you know what else just really aggravates and hurts me? My parents have talked about helping us out financially over the past few months, but honestly no amount of financial help they want to offer us can make up for the emotional loneliness I feel.