some thoughts on new mommyhood in no particular order

Look at that handsome, happy little man! I don't think you could find a mother more in love at this very moment (well, I might know a few who would say otherwise). Kyle, you asked me a while back how I was liking motherhood. And, I said I liked it, but didn't love it all the time. And, at that moment, I don't think I was loving it as much as I was frustrating my way through it. Well, I'm loving it more everyday. Truly. I still don't love it in the way I thought I would, but here the difference still is that my heart can't seem to contain all the love that I have for this little boy. Eventually, I think I will love most of it. It is certainly more enjoyable than what I was doing before I was a mom and that is saying something. But, how could you possibly love every minute of parenting? I'm not looking forward to disciplining and learning to let go. Wah! So, it really is getting better. And, just between me and all of you, after wanting a girl so badly, it's so fun and precious to have this little boy in my life. I can't imagine having had a girl now. Isn't that just the greatest?

I've been recording little things in a journal for him (and myself) about his first few months and years of life. It's been so much fun! Just over the past few weeks he has been smiling and cooing so much more. His hands have even found his mouth and they are having lots of fun getting acquainted. He is a great listener, especially when mommy is reading or singing to him. I think he has gained my morning temperament, because he is always so very happy in the morning. It's like he looks at daddy and I and says, "Wow! It's been such a long time since I've seen you and I had almost forgotten how fun you guys are and now I'm SO glad to see you!" My favorite time of the day has become that time in between his first feeding and his first nap - he is the most alert and just smiles his precious head off, coos, and gets so excited to have mommy's attention. We really have so much fun together!

On a more serious note, two other mommys' words have returned to my head most often during these days of mommyhood initiation. One very recently just encouraged me and reminded me that I am Allen's mom - simple and yet profound for a new mother, believe me. Whether it feels like it or not, I, my husband, and God, know our son better than anyone else, and I can be confident in knowing that between the three of us, we can do what's best for Allen and our family. Something like that, while very encouraging, also requires a certain amount of courage to accept the realization that while many parents can give lots of great advice and share ideas, it's not always going to work for us the way it did for them and definitely that there is hardly ever a magic solution. Darn! It's hard work being a parent and sometimes, as I've come to realize very quickly, we're just going to have to find our own way through each situation and see what WILL work for us. Along with these thoughts, I am reminded of something another mommy and friend wrote in the months before I even became pregnant with Allen. You can read what she wrote here. When I read it at the time, I knew that I was being given a gift and that no matter when I had children, I would always remember what she had said and how very grateful I was to hear it before having kids. In a nutshell, it's the truth that I am never going to be all that my child needs. This has been especially encouraging when Allen is crying and nothing I'm doing is helping him to calm down. It's then that I remember what this mommy said and just pray for God to give peace to my little baby. Mind you, I will still pick him up and comfort him as best I can, but when it is not working, I put him down - mostly for my own sanity. He knows I'm there, but I have come to realize that sometimes, there will be nothing I can do to soothe his crying and it is ok to put him down.

At this moment, I finally feel like I am getting into a clear, but flexible routine with Allen and it is so refreshing! A friend commented yesterday that I seem more at peace and calm than I was even a few weeks ago. Well, yes, that is quite true. It's taken a lot longer than I thought it would to get settled into a stable routine and to just let go of my expectations of what I think the days of motherhood should look like and how they should go. But, through my son's eyes, I am learning to savor every moment. For him, everyday holds its own adventures, smiles, tears, poopy diapers, spitting up, the wonder of discovering something new to gaze at, familiar words to read and hear, new songs to learn and enjoy, new people to meet, moving arms and legs about in new ways, trying out dance moves in the bouncy seat, and of course, lots of nuzzling and cuddling with Mommy, Daddy, and big sister, all to name a few...... What a life!

Well, this is probably the most unorganized piece of writing I've done in a long time. I think it has something to do with the drain on my brain - Allen is taking all the good that's left of my brain and sucking it right out. I guess I can be grateful at least someone will get some use out of it. Just kidding. Sort of.