I can't believe it!

For at least a few years now, I've been struggling with my weight issue. And, it is an issue. I could never seem to find the right motivation to just do it and get healthy. I've looked at pictures of myself from even a few years ago and breathed a deep sigh of angst, thinking I'll never even get back to that - I just don't have the willpower to do it. I've been holding on to clothes that I cannot tear myself away from because even though I am not taking action, I am convinced that someday I will be able to wear all my cute clothes again. I've even tried telling myself that God can't possibly be happy with my eating habits or lack of exercise, but to no avail.

When I got pregnant, I was (and still am) overweight. This was not only a huge concern of mine for many reasons, but also a factor in why my mom did not first respond with delight at finding out my happy news. I won't go into all the mucky details here, but I will just say that I knew how my mom would react and so instead of calling her, and at the advice of my very wise brother, I called my dad, knowing he would undoubtedly pass along the news. In the background, I could hear my mom making reference to my weight and what part of her body she would stick up another part of my body if I didn't start eating right. (Nice.) Of course, I was disappointed, but not really surprised. These comments came from the woman, who back in November, advised me (and I quote) - "Don't you dare get pregnant at your weight." I didn't have any intention of doing so, but I also knew that my husband and I weren't actively trying to prevent pregnancy. Nice little loophole for me now. (Now, please understand that God is so very gracious and my mom's heart has come around since seeing the first ultrasound pictures of her growing grandchild-to-be. I am not resentful of her first response because that is just how I know my mom is. We've already talked about all of these things and understand each other in a way that even my mom says is unmerited. Praise God!)

Now, moving on.......

Getting pregnant has been a huge motivator for me to begin replacing my old eating and excercising habits with new and better ones. Knowing that someone else is dependent on you for their nutrition and well-being really has a tremendous impact on me. God knew this, and while this is not the only reason He has blessed me with a pregnancy I misguidedly believed I would never have, I believe this is an effect He knew it would have on me. This pregnancy, in a roundabout way, is an answer to prayer for finding the motivation to do something I couldn't (or maybe wouldn't) before.

I've dramatically changed the way I eat - what I eat, how often I eat, how much I eat, all that - and am getting out to walk on a daily basis and it appears to be having a positive effect on my health and my figure. Mind you, I am not trying to lose weight. I am just making a goal to eat more healthily and walk more than I have been. Not to mention cutting out soda completely and replacing it with water is an incredible miracle in itself! I never loved water as much as I do now!

This morning, along with it being Friday and Tulsa in store for some much-needed heavy rain (minus the destructive threat of tornadoes), I received another happy surprise when I went to put on a pair of jeans that last week was somewhat tight around my growing midsection and realized they went on a little easier and were actually a little looser. Hooray! Woo-hoo! I know my belly is growing, but it appears that other parts of my body are shrinking!

I keep saying that I will be in better shape when the baby arrives than I was when I got pregnant and it looks like I may just get what I'm hoping and working for! Nearly 11 weeks and counting, little one! Grow away!

another quiz result

It's Friday!

So let's celebrate with another quiz and some

much-needed rain in Tulsa!

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Interesting. Not sure it's always accurate..............

So, what classic movie are you?

OR

How are you celebrating this happy Friday?

since I'm on the subject

Since I'm on the subject of lyrics........

I keep hearing this song called When God Made You on the radio, and sometimes I think about my husband and sometimes, I think about the precious little one God is bringing into my life. (Either way, I'm normally crying for joy!) This little one has already changed my world completely and I know that whoever he/she turns out to be, God knew exactly what we both would need. He has given us to each other and I am humbled, ecstatic, and sometimes terrified!

I'll just shout it from the rooftops of blogworld -

I'M GOING TO BE A MOMMA!

So, I actually don't have much else to say except to share the lyrics of the chorus with you -

Oh I wonder what God was thinking,when he created you.
I wonder if He knew everything I would need,
Because he made all my dreams come true.
When God made you, He must have been thinking about me....

He must have heard every prayer I've been praying
Because He knew everything I would need

two people fell in love

Two People Fell in Love as sung by Brad Paisley

A baby's born in the middle of the night in a local delivery room
They grab his feet, smack him till he cries he goes home the next afternoon
'Fore you know it he's off to school and then he graduates in May
Goes out and gets a Ph.D. and then cures all sorts of things
Wins a Nobel Prize and saves a million different lives
The world's a better place for all he's done
It's funny when you think about the reason he's alive
It's all because two people fell in love

Right now at a picnic shelter down by Caney Creek
You'll find potato salad hot dogs and baked beans
The whole Wilson family's lined up fillin' their paper plates
They've drove or flown in here from fifteen different states
Well Stanley Wilson says that sixty years ago he knew
That Miss Emma Tucker was the one
Now five generations get together every June
All because two people fell in love

There ain't nothin' not affected
When two hearts get connected
All that is, will be, or ever was
Every single choice we make
Every breath we get to take
Is all because two people fell in love

Well, I recall a young man who was driftin' aimlessly
And a young waitress who seemed lonesome as could be
But in a little cafe right off of fourteenth avenue
With a whole lotta help from up above
We met and things sure turned around for me and you
And all because two people fell in love

Baby, there ain't nothin' not affected
When two hearts get connected
All that is, will be, or ever was
I'm glad your dad could not resist
Your mama's charms and you exist
All because two people fell in love

You know, to me it's all so clear
Every one of us is here
All because two people fell in love

A baby's born in the middle of the night in a local delivery room
They grab his feet, smack him till he cries he goes home the next afternoon

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’ve been searching for a video of this song that will work on my blog and have been unsuccessful thus far, so I just gave up and decided to cut and paste the lyrics and say what was on my mind. If you’ve made it this far with me, please keep reading.

I simply love this song.

It's just sweet and so nicely puts into words a thought that just baffles my mind and sometimes moves me to tears. Not to mention, you just gotta love and laugh at the line - I'm glad your dad could not resist your mama's charms and you exist!

Each of our choices has some kind of result to it and choosing to love has many results. Children just happen to be one of them. :-) It amazes me how much our lives impact one another's and that love creates life in so many ways. By choosing to love, you can brighten someone's unhappy day, turn around the tide of an argument, deliver hope or encouragement, help to save someone's life, be a friend to someone who's never had a friend, make someone feel special, break down walls, feed someone who's hungry - so many things! By choosing to love, husbands and wives with God's help create life in their children and hopefully, raise them with and in love, thus creating more love and life to be shared in the world. And, you never know what any one person in Christ is capable of accomplishing just because we shared love with them! By choosing to love to the point of death, Christ gave us new life, and the very reason we're all alive is only because God loves us and wants the world to recognize and know His glory and love.

It amazes me to the point of silence and sometimes tears to think that because my parents fell in love and because God willed and planned it the way He did, my very life came about. What an incredible, awesome, and sometimes impossible thought to comprehend! The Psalmist surely says it best so allow me to remind you of the tender wonder and love that created you and I from the verses of Psalm 139, taken from the Message version –

Oh yes, You shaped me first inside, then out;
You formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God--you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration--what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
You know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day.
Your thoughts--how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!

And because of the care He took in fashioning everything about me, how can I not help but desire to live out the same love He's shown and given me?

I probably didn't explain this very well at all or perhaps idealized the singer's message. I can go so very far in my thought processes, but I hope you enjoyed the lyrics. I read these out loud once in book study and I couldn't help but laugh as I was reading them.

I'm interested to know your thoughts if you've never heard the song before or feel free to share any thoughts that come to your mind. As soon as I can find a good video of this song that will work on my blog, I’ll be sure to put it on here so you can hear it because the lyrics alone don’t do the song justice.


P.S. You have to know that I'm even more fascinated at the moment with how life comes about, the implications of our lives, the effects our choices make on those whose lives are entrusted to us, etc. I'm sure you'll be seeing many more similar posts on this subject in the months to come. Get ready.

this past Maundy Thursday

This past Thursday our church observed Maundy Thursday. My first ever introduction to it was last year when we first did it at our church. It was the first time I'd really given much thought to every particular event in the Passion Week and I was overwhelmed by reflecting upon and really absorbing all the things that took place and led up to the Cross. So, knowing we were going to observe it as a community again this year, I was really looking forward to it. I'm in agreement with another friend that sometimes having an hour of complete uninterruption can be difficult so I really relished the thought of just having some time to reflect, pray, and connect with my Jesus on this evening.

Our pastor mentioned this scripture during our time as a community together and then I reread it during my hour of the prayer vigil.

It was when Christ and his disciples were in the Garden of Gethsemane and he had asked them to keep watch with Him.

Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. "Could you men not keep watch with me for one hour?" he asked Peter. "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."

I read and I am broken and humbled. How easy it is for me and what joy I take in spending this one hour on Maundy Thursday with my Lord, but how many other times in my life and throughout the rest of the year do I not "keep watch" and find myself asleep, falling into temptation, or choosing something else over my Lord? How many times do I neglect to remember others and their burdens and oppressions or even fail to remember my Christ's own suffering that He endured for me?

There is a bittersweetness in spending this hour with my Lord. I feel honored to symbolically walk through this evening with Him for an hour and "keep watch" with many others as we approach Good Friday and the Cross. There is a renewal of connecting with Christ in His suffering for us and for the will of His Father. Yet there is a reminder deep in my heart that says there are still places in my life I need to be more faithful and vigilant and that the passion and emotion I have at observing this evening can and should go beyond this night. It's not a feeling of condemnation, but of loving reminding and correcting.

I left my hour on Thursday incredibly humbled, sorrowful for what the disciples experienced, for what Christ had to endure, and yet somehow renewed and refreshed from spending one honest, vulnerable hour in the presence of my Lord.

the glory

Here are some of the lyrics to one of my favorite songs - The Glory - a song by Avalon, especially thinking about Easter :

In the solitary moment of His birth

On this barren dusty land

All of heaven kissed the face of the earth

With a miracle of love God became a man

But He was sent away to draw his final breath

When he was only thirty-three

And in the shame of dying a criminal's death

He cleansed an angry world

And in his suffering I see

The glory of the blood

The beauty of the body

That was broken for our forgiveness

The glory of His perfect love

Is the heart of the story

The glory of the blood

I have tried to find salvation on my own

In a search for something real

There's a guilty heart inside this flesh and bone

I fall upon his grace

And I begin to feel

The glory of the blood

The beauty of the body

That was broken for our forgiveness

The glory of His perfect love

Is the heart of the story

The glory of the blood

And when I close my eyes I can see Him hanging there

Oh the precious wounded Lamb of God

And all the majesty in this world can not compare to the glory

The beauty of the body

That was broken for our forgiveness

The glory of the blood

The beauty of the body

That was broken for our forgiveness

The glory of His perfect love

Is the heart of the story

The glory of the blood

He was sent away to draw His final breath

When He was only thirty-three

approaching Easter

I read something today on another blog that moved me to tears. For a few years now, Easter has really held so very much emotion for me. It's not only a sobering reminder of the incredible cost to my Savior for my sin, but also an exuberant celebration of the renewal I've experienced in my own life, in the lives of those around me, and the promise of the renewal yet to come in this life and beyond!

Easter and the week leading up to it reminds me of the many times in my life I've been through when I felt alone, in the dark, without hope, or just wondering what was going on. I thought surely God has finally given up on me - I am a lost cause, He doesn't have a plan or I have missed it and now I'm on my own, or I'm not listening hard enough. All those little things creep into my thoughts and confuse and discourage me even more. How the disciples must have felt that week, going through the turn of events they did. Did they understand what was happening? More than likely - no, or not all of them. Did their faith waver? We know that a few, if not all, did. Haven't we all had moments like these? I can't help but sort of relive those moments of despair the disciples must have had because I've had them in my own life.

Then, you compare the disciples to Christ and it's pretty much like night and day. Christ knew clearly what was coming, he understood the sacrifice, and he set out "resolutely" for Jerusalem. I want to face my trials and the moments when I am uncertain like that - faithfully resolute in Christ.

I've gone to see He's Alive! here at Victory several times over the past few years and it seems no matter how many times I've seen it, I still can't help but shout and cry for joy when "Christ comes out of the tomb" and appears to Mary and His disciples. It's a weird sort of feeling - like I expected a different outcome this year to the story I've known all my life. In that moment, I know without any doubt that He is my life and heart's Hero, my King, risen forevermore, my Redeemer, and coming again. His resurrection marks the beginning of the end of life as we know it, not only on earth but for the life to come. It heralds the beginning of a new life beyond logic or comprehension. I know that He intends to make all things new and to redeem and renew all the things that have been lost.

It never ceases to amaze me that in a matter of three days, Christ changed our world so completely and absolutely. He did for us in three days what we could never do for ourselves in an entire lifetime! I am so thankful!

Happy Easter- we are forgiven and Christ is risen indeed!

a sight I've never seen

One place I've always wanted to visit and never have is the Grand Canyon. I found this picture today online and was also listening to a song on the radio that says,

The whole earth is filled with your glory, Lord....

and I just couldn't help but say something. My heart swells with joy, wonder, humility, and in truth when I hear words like this. It's like an unconscious act of agreement that I just can't help or ignore because God gives me so many reasons to acknowledge that the earth is truly filled with His glory.

And when I see pictures like this, I can't help but stand in awe of the One who created such beauty. When I try to think of what heaven will be like, my mind can't comprehend or quite grasp the majesty of the beauty I have yet to behold, not even including the wonder of seeing my Lord face-to-face for the first time! Sometimes it's hard for me to imagine anything more beautiful than what I can see. Yet God's word surely reminds me that there is!

Truly - how great is our God!

I'm kind of curious -

To those of you out there in the blogging world, I have a question for you.

Where do you find beauty that just draws you to stand in awe of God? It can be anything.

yesterday

So, yesterday I finished my forever work project and had some fun things planned for the evening. A friend of mine - Mandy - and I decided to get together at the Starbucks closest to my apartment to just get caught up and hang out. She and her husband have two precious children of their own and when I told her I was pregnant, she was so excited for me! (I do need to mention something incredible about my relationship with her. We met when we both were new to Tulsa almost seven years ago, but we had somewhat of a falling out almost five years ago and just disconnected from each other. Then, a few years ago, while I was still working a second job, she showed up in one of the stores I was auditing with RGIS. Well, we both just knew that God had brought our relationship back together and thankfully and incredibly, we were reconciled. Since then, we still don't manage to see each other very often, but it's getting better and I have a feeling it will just become even more so now. I'm so glad for God's redemptive power at work in our lives and relationships!) Well, I received my first pregnancy present last night and I felt so loved and blessed. She gave me a book called Supernatural Childbirth which may sound a little funky to some, but has prayers in it to remind me of what God's word says about pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood. There's a chapter in it called "Can I be a joyful mother of children?" and I was like, boy do I need to read that chapter! I read some of the prayers and scriptures about not fearing during pregnancy and trusting God and I was ready to cry. I have been wanting to find a book with prayers or devotionals specifically for pregnant women and God, in His infinite wisdom and love, used my friend to bring me the very thing I needed! Mandy and I had a wonderful time of catching up and sipping Chai Lattes (no caffeine for me) and I was very encouraged by her genuine words and friendship.

After finishing our visit and leaving Starbucks, I ran to Wal-Mart to pick up The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe and get home so I could eat. My daughter and I decided to watch the movie and my husband retreated to the bedroom/office to get some things done. After the movie, I decided to try to engage Jamie in a discussion about the obvious spiritual references in the story and talked about how much more detailed the book is and explains a little bit more than the movie. She seemed to make some of the spiritual connection after I mentioned it and she seemed a little surprised to realize it. Even though I did most of the talking (not entirely my choice; she's just really quiet and contemplative), she seemed happy to listen and interested in knowing more about the stories. I'm trying hard not to press her or overwhelm her with my passion for stories and how we can find truth about the world we live in them, but I pray that God would use each conversation we have like this to just spur her interest and move her mind to think in different and new ways. I cannot wait to start reading with her and pray that she will enjoy and be engaged and challenged by stories!

I'm also in the process of deciding what I plan to do once the baby is born in November (or whenever he/she decides to come) and I'm leaning very strongly towards staying home and not returning to work. My husband knows this is/has been my desire and is supportive of this plan. Over the next nine months, I would definitely appreciate any suggestions, advice, or encouragement all you stay-at-home-mommies can give me. I know this is where God is leading me in regards to my child, so I am taking joy at the thought of being my kid's mom.

In that light, I wanted to mention that I found this incredible prayer on another blog that says -

Do not pray for easy lives; pray to be stronger men. Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers; pray for powers equal to your tasks. Then the doing of your work shall be no miracle, but you yourself shall be a miracle. Every day you shall wonder at yourself, at the richness of life which has come to you by the grace of God.

-- Phillips Brooks

I am going to be holding on to this prayer over the next nine months and will no doubt "wonder at myself" and "at the richness of life which has come to you by the grace of God."

I know everyone is probably getting tired of hearing me say this as well, but I've realized that if there is anything God is specifically calling me to be, it's

BRAVE.

So, that is what I am striving to be in every aspect of my life! Here's to a brave and successful pregnancy and a brave and wonderful life as my kid's mom!

we now return to our regularly scheduled work

The past week or so has been crazy and stressful. Just when I thought things might be getting better at work, I'm proved wrong. I was given a data entry project that was 172 pages long that had to be entered by the close-of-March and it has been kicking my butt. Not only has all my other work (you know, the work I'm actually paid to do) been getting behind while this project took priority, but the project took a lot more time than anyone anticipated. I was working on it last week, in the midst of all the craziness of finding out I was pregnant, and had taken the report home several evenings to work on it. A few nights I ended up working on it late into the night. BAD IDEA when you're pregnant. Thursday was my exhaustion breaking point and I was just honest with my boss about not being able to take on anything extra over the next nine months because I knew physically and emotionally I couldn't handle any extra stress. I knew I could have worked on things over this past weekend to get caught up and simply chose not to. I was able to sleep, rest, take a trip to the zoo with my family, and just enjoy my first weekend with the knowledge of being pregnant. Yesterday I finally finished the project after more than 8 straight business days of working on it. I must say that my husband has not only been incredibly supportive of me, but has also been an encouragement and a reminder to me to take care of myself and help me maintain healthy boundaries when it comes to work, especially now. You wouldn't think it, but I have been quite a pushover and am easily manipulated when it comes to work. I always feel like I could do better and should be able to handle everything given to me, even if logically I know it's impossible. To some degree, I know my boss depends on me and I hate to disappoint her by admitting I can't do something or even admit that I need more time.

I have come to realize that this is also true oftentimes in my relationship with God. I sometimes have a sense of needing to prove myself or show that I can do things on my own. I know this is so backwards from how God wants us to be - I can hardly get out of bed and face the day without His help - but something within me wants me to believe that eventually I should be able to handle things on my own. It's almost like I want to prove that I've learned everything I need to know from Him to go through life, but He just keeps showing me that I haven't learned it all. This can be pretty frustrating and humbling as I feel I want to please God by showing Him how well I've learned from Him and because it's hard for me to finally come to the point of admitting that I haven't learned it all or even when a lesson I thought I'd learned comes back for another round and I am shown another aspect of faith that I hadn't considered previously.

As I'm learning how to better communicate with my boss and be honest when I am overwhelmed, I am learning that God doesn't expect me to have my life all figured out and that I don't ever have to feel overwhelmed by life or like I've learned it all. I'm definitely not where I used to be in this area and that is encouraging to me. Every now and then, though, I can feel myself travelling back down this road or towards it. I'm so very glad that God always calls me back to the joy of Himself and away from the chains I could easily find myself locked up in again.

without words

So, for all you who have been holding your breath, patiently awaiting the answer to my previous post - the riddle - it should come as no surprise to hear the answer is that I'm pregnant! YEAH!

What wonderful and terrifying news all at once! This will be my very first child and my husband and I's first child together and I'm sure all you mommies out there can comprehend the gammit of emotions I'm experiencing - wonder, terror, anxiety, joy, excitement, shock, disbelief, and grace, among many others. But, it's also hard for me to express all of how and what I'm feeling and I think it very necessary to share something somewhat personal in relation to this.

I've shared with a few people who I know will read this that until the home pregnancy test on Monday and the doctor's confirmation on Wednesday proved me wrong, I had this nagging feeling that I would not be able to have children of my own. I had even begun to reconcile myself to this thought - taking joy in the thought of adoption and recently, taking incredible joy in having my daughter and grandson here to love. So, why the nagging feeling? Quite simply, because of shameful moments in my past when I have prayed to God not to be pregnant and by His grace, I was not. And, because I had this warped idea that God would punish me in my future for things I had done in my past by not allowing me to ever have children. On one hand, it's humbling to publicly uncover this box I placed God in and have Him prove my thoughts and ideas about Him wrong. On the other hand, it's also incredibly humbling and wonderful that when I least expect it, He bestows new mercy and grace on my life and in the process shatters all my insecurities and misconceptions about who He is.

Everyday, I am more and more aware that my very life itself is an act of God's grace - there is no other reason I am alive but for His grace and glory. Even my name - Janine - means "God is gracious" (as does John, h b, you know - the same form of name?). I am a work of God's grace, wonderfully created in Christ Jesus, and this little boy or girl taking form inside me is truly a blessing and a new expression of God's unmerited grace in my life. So, when you see me, if it seems I have very few or no words to express how I'm feeling, it's because I truly don't. I am still taking it all in. And for once, I think silent wonder is more than appropriate. There will be plenty of time for talking and writing over the next nine months. But for now, I am without words.