I don't know how many more writings I can post about my new family life before everyone starts to get really tired of reading them, but it's just so darn good and I just can't seem to stop writing about it! So, indulge and rejoice with me a little more as I share how God is working in my family and continues to amaze this heart of mine.
This is a picture of a beautifully precious note Jamie wrote to me late Tuesday morning. I was in my bedroom getting laundry ready to wash and look up to see my sweet grandson in the doorway, holding out a note in his hand. At first glance, I'm thinking - oops, he got a hold of a personal note that he shouldn't have and now he's bringing it to me. Then, I notice it says From Jamie. So, I open it and read - Dear Janine ....... By the time I finish reading her note, I am nearly in tears. Her and I have not necessarily been on pins and needles with each other, but there has definitely been a level of boundary between us and some lines I did not want to take it upon myself to cross - ie. calling her stepdaughter rather than daughter and not really knowing how she feels about hugs, etc. So, she took a leap and expressed her feelings to me (there's that bravery thing again) and in one small note, those few boundaries are gone. I walk into her room and give her a big, long hug and tell her immediately that she is always free to tell me anything. I tell her that we may not always agree or may have to talk over some things, but that she should never fear telling me anything ever. So, we sit and talk for about an hour and a half on her bed, ocassionally interrupted by the little one, but it is a sweet time. I tell her how much I appreciate her writing me a note (particularly a note; writing is something that touches me deeply) and how much I will cherish it and how happy I am to have her and Ryan here. We talk about being women, about why she doesn't enjoy reading, about making a plan to start reading together and tackling the problems she has understanding and comprehending the words she reads, about how I want her to know that Jerry and I's home is hers and Ryan's as well and that she is always free to voice her opinion and that we welcome her thoughts and ideas, that she doesn't have to feel alone or by herself, about her time spent in front of the television and her own bed- and bathtimes, about the life and loved ones she left behind in California, and that I love her very much, among many other things.
The rest of the day is like a dream. The laundry is forsaken because other errands are of more importance. We go grocery shopping and while I'm bringing in the bags, she is putting the groceries away and microwaving lunch for Ryan. When I try to help put the groceries away, she tells me to sit down - that she has the putting away of the groceries under control. Even though it seems a little backwards to be bossed around by a 19-year-old, I concede the task over to her. When I pick Jerry up from work, I share the events of the day and he rejoices with me and tells me he already sort of knew about her plan to talk to me! I actually make dinner for my family (a formerly rare occurrence) and while I'm doing so, Jerry is running laundry down to the laundromat. After dinner and putting Ryan to bed, I make brownies, have a laundry folding party with my husband and daughter and talk to my brother who is celebrating his 23rd birthday! Jamie offers to take care of the dirty dinner dishes and gets into the bath at 11 so she will be in bed by midnight (which is something we talked about in our earlier conversation).
It's a sad and strange thought to me that some of these ideas are foreign to her - being free to share how she feels, feeling welcome both in relationship and welcome to have and share opinions and ideas of her own, the feeling of being in a safe and committed home environment where she herself can have some focused attention and affection, the feeling of being in a place where she can actually have some peace and quiet and raise her son, and the calm freedom to ponder the possibilities of what a better life for herself and her son could and might actually look like.
How did I end up a part of this? I am overwhelmed, sometimes in disbelief, and continually tackled by the grace of it all. Who is this girl and who am I that she would allow me to call her "daughter" and want my hugs? I pray that through and in all of this, she would come to know Christ's incredible, infinite, and unconditional love for her, that she would come to know and trust Him, and see that He is the reason for all the love I have for her. He loves her infinitely more than I or anyone else on this earth ever could and I pray that she would come to a knowledge of that truth more than anything!
Thank you, Lord, for this sweet gift of a moment that I will treasure and hold close for the rest of my life and for all that You are doing that has yet to be revealed. At this moment, I am still, silent, and in complete awe of You.
5 comments:
Incredibly precious. What a gift.
Janiners, that is SO sweet! I am so glad she took the risk. She must feel very welcomed by you to write such a letter. I am happy for you both!
It's all I can do to not cry. You are all so blessed to have each other. I believe you being so very open and willing to be involved opened the door in a big way. Imagine how she feels now, being treated like a person and knowing she is safe and loved.
You really are an inspiration, girl. I am still floored by the way you have handled the whole thing. Not that I didn't think you would be gracious. I'm just thinking of how I might have done things, and perhaps I might not have been as sweet.
I love you and your beautiful little family.
BTW - please, talk about it as much as you like. I love hearing it!
you know when I think about how I'm handling it, I know very certain that it's not because of anything I'm doing. it's all God. really - I mean that. I can look back now and see how He's been preparing me for this over the past few years and how if this had happened even a few years ago, I may not have handled it in the same manner at all. funny and beautiful how all those things work out. and I should be honest and say that I haven't handled myself well all the time, either. i've already had moments of mild temper breakdown and in some ways, God is using both Jamie and Ryan to challenge some of my bad habits and downright selfishness. it's not so bad when just my husband sees me in all my unloveliness, but it's totally different to have children begin to mimic your bad habits and/or call you out on them. whoa!
this morning's discussion about Zacheus was really such an encouragement to me (I really felt like God was talking directly to me!) and I shared with a few friends on the phone that I feel sort of like the Bible describes Mary - how she pondered all these things in her heart. that seems to be me even more so lately.
i'm grateful for all you gals' encouragement and e-mail help, too. i'm a little excited to sort of practice being a teacher and seeing how much Jamie and Ryan will learn and grow curious about. this is probably one of the greatest adventures I've ever had the joy of being a part of and I really want to make the best of it!
i love you guys and having you to share all these things with makes the sweetness even sweeter and more precious. thank you, my sweet friends. :-)
I am so glad God is working through you! What a beautiful story and how amazing that he is working in this way to give so much to so many. You amaze me, I am so glad that you allow God to work through you!
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