walking with God

A while back now, during Rivendell @ TU, we talked about Phillip and his encounter with the Ethiopian. This story has really been sticking with me and I can’t get away from it. Well, then again, I’m not really trying to. God is using this story, and my encounter with it that Sunday morning, three-fold in my life - to show me where I’ve been, where I’m at, and small pieces of where He’s taking me.

I’m just coming to a realization that most of my life, I have been trying to prepare myself or to be ready for whatever God would have me do. For me, this means that I’ve been trying to prepare for a life that I’m thinking God is calling me to (or maybe even one that I desire for Him to call me to) and at the same time, not realizing or living out the life He has called me to. I’ve never been clear as to a particular “call” by God on my life and until recently, I’ve always felt a lot of pressure to find that one, elusive thing God has purposed me for. And, after visiting with a friend of mine a couple Saturdays ago, I know I’m not alone in my feeling.

We shared how in our former church experiences, being “called to the ministry” (whether as a missionary, a pastor, a pastor’s wife, or any lifetime ministry career) was sort of exalted and put on a pedestal as being the most incredible thing God could call you to do. I remember feeling those people had to be really special to be called by God to do something so demanding (and I’m nearly confident that they are) and I wanted to be one of them because it seemed to me that nothing else was as significant or important. Simply working in an office has never seemed like something God could possibly "call" me to or intend for me. (I'm sensing a little of my pride showing through. But, let me also explain that my grandparents were missionaries most of their lives, my dad spent most of his childhood in Brazil, I have an aunt and uncle and several of their children - my cousins - who have been and are going into the mission field. Maybe these things contributed to the pressure and expectations I felt? Just a thought. One summer, my aunt and uncle almost took me back to Brazil with them for a year, but I remember even then feeling like I needed to be more prepared and definitely couldn’t be away from my family that long.) I also remember in high school and particularly during my senior year feeling like I really had to have it all figured out – like I was expected to go to college, supposed to know exactly what profession I was going into, and do the best I could to make it happen. AND, if I didn’t, I was made to feel like something was wrong in my relationship with God because He was supposed to make everything clear to me if I was following Him correctly and so if He didn’t make it clear, it was somehow my fault. Well, I honestly didn’t know what God or I wanted to do with my life back then. I had no clue. And, I wasn’t mature enough yet to break the reality of this to those I loved and who loved me, so in my immaturity and utter confusion and frustration, I rebelled and my whole, not-so-perfect world came crashing down around my family and I. In many ways, it seems like my relationship with Christ started over, or maybe only truly began for the first time, when it happened.

But, I still sometimes find myself thinking about what might have been. What if I missed out on what God had originally intended for me because of my sinfulness and rebellion? What if I missed out on that one thing He purposed me for? But, then another thought comes to my mind - hasn’t God fashioned me for a lifetime of “good works,” (see Ephesians 2:10) not just one HUMONGOUS “good work?” (OK, I realize that a lifetime can be considered one “good work,” primarily the work of following God over an entire lifetime, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about one event, a profession, a particular career, etc. ) This leads me down towards another idea, if you’ll indulge me for just a moment. If there were only one thing we were designed and destined for, we’d be off the hook for everything else, right? And then we could focus all our time and attention on that one thing, right? But, there would also be a lot of pressure to perfectly accomplish that one thing? WOW!!! What a lot of pressure! And, what if you don’t ever discover the one thing God has purposed you for? Welcome to the world formerly-and-still-occasionally-known-as-my-own. What a nightmare! It’s a hard and impossible life to live for a number of reasons which I won't even try to go into here and now.

God has taught me (and is still teaching me) the beauty of a lifetime of walking with Him, rather than a few, fleeting moments of perceived greatness. The first time this really started to hit home for me was during another eye-opening service at Rivendell @ TU when I realized that Abraham’s life was great not just because of his faithfulness in the test of sacrificing Isaac, but because of how God developed His faith over a period of time! He walked with God over a period of time. It’s hard for me because I have so wanted to feel like my life has a particular direction and purpose that encompasses more than simply walking with God or have longed for that one single moment of perceived spiritual greatness. (That sounds really terrible, doesn’t it? What could be better or more beautiful than simply walking with Him?) But, as things are beginning to manifest themselves in my life, it suddenly seems that in learning to walk with and walking with God, He has been preparing me for these things that are coming all along. What a mysterious and wonderful God we serve! As I’m writing this, I am just in awe of Him and the beautiful way He works!

For me, hearing the story of Phillip and the Ethiopian was not so much of a wake-up call as it was a curtain being pulled back revealing a hidden treasure for me at this moment in my life. As I continue walking with God in the life He’s given me, it's a reminder not to forget to walk and not grow inpatient as His plans unfold. As in the story of Phillip and the Ethiopian, God gave him step-by-step directions. But, the plans weren’t all laid out at once, as in an instruction manual. And, each step required faith and an act of the will and trust on Phillip’s part. We never know if Phillip worried about being unprepared or incapable or if he questioned God’s reasoning. It doesn’t appear that Phillip made it about himself at all. We only know he followed God and when the time came, God was more than prepared and capable to direct Phillip in what he should do and say.

I will seek You in the morning
And I will learn to walk in Your ways
And, step-by-step, You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days

May God continue to grow your faith and your knowledge of Him wherever you are, teach you to walk with Him and trust and rejoice that His ways are higher than your own.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge Him
and He will make your paths straight
~ Proverbs 3:5-6