just because

Just so you all can have something new to read and look at when you come to my blog other than my sad kitty story.

I'm moving on from grief and despair to joy and hope in more ways than one. But, first I need to tell you where I'm coming from.

Last week was sort of a rough week for me. Sometimes I go through these days and weeks and don't talk to anybody about it except God and my husband. Sometimes I e-mail friends and ask them to pray. And, sometimes, in the past, I've stayed home from work in my pajamas all day, doing absolutely nothing and talking to nobody (except for my husband, of course). They are days when I get absolutely nothing done, don't feel like being around anyone, I feel very sad, and I don't really know why. Seriously. Well, last week, I felt this way everyday. Yet, because my husband and I are driving to work together, it's become more an issue of accountability. My husband is not going to leave the apartment without me or without at least asking me, "Are you going to work today?" And, even though I felt like not leaving the house Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday, I did anyway. And, guess what? I went to work, got a lot done, I came to know more about the incredible power of God at work in me in spite of my weaknesses, and I feel like God gave me the strength to persevere in a way I hadn't experienced before.

A song played on the radio Friday when I went to pick up my husband from work. It's a new song by Avalon, and the chorus goes -

Love won't leave you empty-handed
Broken down and somewhere stranded
Love won't leave you hanging on for life
Cause love is, love is always true
God is Love and Love won't leave you

I know without a doubt that God is the only way I made it through last week. When I heard this song, it just reminded me of His love and how He not only didn't leave me alone last week, but provided in ways far beyond what I could imagine.

It's really even hard for me to share this next thought, knowing that a lot of my friends are Christians. I don't think you'll judge me in a bad way or think any less of me, but it's right at the edge of being more "real" than I want anyone to know. I'll just admit that I'm still struggling with this feeling that some, including my mother, have called the dreaded D-word that I'm pretending not to hear. I struggle with my own stigma that since I am a Christian, I should not be depressed - EVER. So, I live in denial or I live in silent pain, neither of which are very good. I've sought help before, but when things start to get better, I move on. This time, after a very loving, severe warning from my mother - whose honesty and frankness I love most in times like these - I am once again seeking help with the desire to completely move beyond this and find and experience real lasting joy in my life.

I would cherish your prayers for healing very much because this is something that has been a part of my life for a while. It comes and goes, sometimes sneaking up on me when I least expect it and other times, I welcome it like an old friend.

Thanks again for listening and for those of you who have endured the moments where I've been my mopy, unhappy self, thanks for still being my friends and loving me in spite of it.