Well, it seems my mom and I have had a setback. And after I thought things were going so well.
The day of my last ultrasound, I called a few of my good friends to relate the good and bad news about the baby and to ask for prayer. I thought I'd just call my mom real quick and let her know what was going on. The conversation didn't go well and was pretty brief. When I tried to just quickly tell her what was going on, she yelled at me. I hung up in tears and felt everything I had tried to hold together that day just went out the window. I really felt I needed my mom in that moment and she was "emotionally unavailable."
My mom called me back about ten minutes later and promptly informed me that things were not the best for her right now - she's working ten hour days at work and still having to go in on the weekend to do her own work - and I told her that I completely understood and I was sorry things were so hard for her right now. She told me that I would just have to deal with her this way. She asked what was up and after telling her what was going on, it seemed like she hadn't even heard me because she acted like everything was fine and that there was no reason for me to be calling her. Since that day, I haven't talked to her and I've been advised by a few close friends not to call her until the baby is born. It's not sounding like a bad idea.
I gotta tell you that it all gets old and wears on me after a while.
It's hard enough to be so far away for birthdays, some holidays and especially now, when I'm pregnant and feel like I need my parents closer to me more than ever. My dad just celebrated his 50th birthday yesterday, my mom will celebrate hers on September 6, they've been married 30 years this year and are going to be first-time grandparents, but it just seems that we can't get our relationship together. So much joy and pain all at once it seems. I'm sure Jesus must have felt this way on His way to the cross, but at least His purpose was clear. The purpose in all of this is still unclear to me and yet life just keeps going - relationships remain unhinged, time passes, a baby grows, ultrasounds happen, dinner gets made each night, people go to work, bills get paid, appointments are kept, medicine is taken, life happens.
Since I moved here, I've been reminded so many times that it was I who chose to move so far away from my family. OK. Fine. But, for being the one that moved away, I spend a lot of time trying to stay connected with them and sometimes, I just don't know if it's worth it. It's not like I've been keeping score on who calls who how many times, but it hurts after so many years that even now I get yelled at just for calling at the wrong time. Why does it have to be so hard? I feel like I'm constantly apologizing for my mom's hangups.
All this leaves a pregnant mommy-to-be feeling kinda lonely, neglected, and fairly overwhelmed. I'm sure it shows, too. (Although my friends are all wonderful, keep up with me, and in so many tangible ways have become my family.) I even dreamt about writing this blog. So weird.
And you know what else just really aggravates and hurts me? My parents have talked about helping us out financially over the past few months, but honestly no amount of financial help they want to offer us can make up for the emotional loneliness I feel.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Friday, July 28, 2006
movieng thoughts
The movie I went to see yesterday by myself was Lady in the Water by M. Night Shymalan. I decided to see it by myself because I knew neither my stepdaughter nor my husband were very interested in seeing it and I really wanted to see it. I'm really a quiet, big fan of this particular director and storyteller. My favorite movie of his was Signs as of the day before yesterday.
Without giving too much away, I just have to say I loved it! Though it isn't epic like Lord of the Rings or The Chronicles of Narnia, it still has very big and inspiring ideas. The movie itself revolves around an ancient story and how the characters of the movie become characters in the ancient story. Hmm. Sounds a little familiar. There are moments of redemption, moments of setback, and moments where the person you would least expect to play a major role in the action does. There are ongoing conversations about purpose all throughout the movie - how to determine who plays what purpose, the temptation to arrogance of assuming a particular role or that one person knows everyone else's purposes, doubting your purpose, embracing your real purpose, and acting on it. There are both good and evil forces at work and an underlying message about the human condition as a whole. It's particularly relevant when you think of all that's going on in the world right now.
Overall, I really enjoyed it. I'll probably see it again and/or buy it when it goes to DVD.
On another note, I've been seeing lots of previews for the new World Trade Center movie. Although a part of me wants to see it, I don't know if I'll be able to sit through it. As it is, the tears just fall down my face everytime I see the previews. For me, the pain of that day is still so fresh in my mind. And if it's still fresh in my mind, I can't imagine how it feels for all those who were more personally affected by the events of that day. When I think of all the brave men and women of the emergency departments and probably some bystanders who went into those towers and put their lives on the line just doing what they do everyday for all the people who were trapped inside and remember the sight of the towers falling, I. Just. Can't. Do. It. It's not something I want to re-experience. So, I will probably skip it.
Does anyone else still find it hard to think about that day?
Without giving too much away, I just have to say I loved it! Though it isn't epic like Lord of the Rings or The Chronicles of Narnia, it still has very big and inspiring ideas. The movie itself revolves around an ancient story and how the characters of the movie become characters in the ancient story. Hmm. Sounds a little familiar. There are moments of redemption, moments of setback, and moments where the person you would least expect to play a major role in the action does. There are ongoing conversations about purpose all throughout the movie - how to determine who plays what purpose, the temptation to arrogance of assuming a particular role or that one person knows everyone else's purposes, doubting your purpose, embracing your real purpose, and acting on it. There are both good and evil forces at work and an underlying message about the human condition as a whole. It's particularly relevant when you think of all that's going on in the world right now.
Overall, I really enjoyed it. I'll probably see it again and/or buy it when it goes to DVD.
On another note, I've been seeing lots of previews for the new World Trade Center movie. Although a part of me wants to see it, I don't know if I'll be able to sit through it. As it is, the tears just fall down my face everytime I see the previews. For me, the pain of that day is still so fresh in my mind. And if it's still fresh in my mind, I can't imagine how it feels for all those who were more personally affected by the events of that day. When I think of all the brave men and women of the emergency departments and probably some bystanders who went into those towers and put their lives on the line just doing what they do everyday for all the people who were trapped inside and remember the sight of the towers falling, I. Just. Can't. Do. It. It's not something I want to re-experience. So, I will probably skip it.
Does anyone else still find it hard to think about that day?
Mickey-D's - I'm NOT lovin' it
So yesterday, I took a day off for my sanity and to destress just a little bit. It was really very nice and I got a small glimpse of how my days might look like when I get to be home in about three months with my newborn son. Oh, how I love to think about it!
I took my hubby to work, did some laundry, watched a little of the morning news show that I love to hate, decided to see a movie by myself (which I will talk about in my next post) and to treat my stepdaughter and her son to a little field trip out somewhere. I called my super friend and asked sneakily where the mega McDonald's in town was exactly and laid out my plan.
When I got home from my wonderful movie time, it was off to the mega McDonald's. Neither Jamie nor Ryan had any idea where we were going. I was so excited because I love to be able to do fun things, especially unexpected surprises, for others and I just knew we were going to have a great time. We would eat scrumptious hamburgers and fries, Ryan would play his little heart out, his mom would be happy for him, it would be so very magical, and I would be their hero for a few hours. Ah, how very well I thought I had planned this out.
Yeah, not so much.
Everything was going great - we told Ryan as soon as he finished his lunch, he would be able to play. It was a little hard to keep him focused on the food with all the screaming, running, the TV, and just general kiddo mayhem going on all around him. For him, it was probably like me going to Vegas a few years ago - stimulation overload. But, for the most part, I was happy with how things were going. I knew we had sort of a time limit since I had to go pick up Hubby from work, but no real big rush.
We were down to two little bites of his cheeseburger and I could tell he was getting anxious to go play, so both Jamie and I were encouraging him along now. Only one more little bite left. "Yeah! One more bite, Ryan!" The last bite is in his mouth - he's chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing......
And, now he's stopped chewing and is refusing to swallow his FINAL bite of cheeseburger. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!???!!!??? @#$%^&!
Suddenly, Jamie and I have become desperate funmongers, trying to get him to chew and swallow his last bite of food and be able to go play, but our fun-loving boy has turned into obstinate, I-am-not-going-to-chew-this-last-bite-and-you-can't-make-me boy. You can tell by looking at his face that he has settled into his stubborn mode and will not be moved for or by anything. Well, I look right at him and tell him that if he doesn't chew his last bite right now, we are leaving without him getting to play. I ask him if he wants to play and he nods his head yes. Then, finish what's in your mouth NOW. Nope. The kid will not be moved.
After fifteen minutes of hammering into him the consequences of his actions if he persists in continuing on in this way (which I now understand to be totally ineffective) and trying desperately to get back to that magically happy time before that last bite of food entered his mouth, we begin to pack up and leave. Still no response from chipmunk cheek boy. I tell him before leaving the restaurant that he is going straight to time-out when we get home and that he will not get to play with his toys for the rest of the day because of his behavior. He didn't so much as bat an eyelash.
Uuuuurrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!
We're in the car and he is still refusing to finish swallowing his food. We didn't talk to him the entire way home.
We're home and getting him out of the car and now I think he finally realizes it's over because he begins crying and fighting NOT to go inside. Did he think I was bluffing? Grandma Neenie don't mess around.
We set him in time-out and as of the time I left to go pick up Hubby, he still had the indiscriminate piece of cheeseburger in his mouth.
So much for trying to add some fun to his and Jamie's day. That little escapade wore me out.
On my way to pick up my husband, though, my day got better. I called my super friend back and related my story. When I called her, I was about in tears. This wasn't the first time Ryan had pulled this little stunt and I am growing weary of it - I can't understand why he is doing it or how to help and correct him. Thankfully, she got me to laughing - she's really the best! - and gave me some tips which I later shared with Jamie and Hubby.
Well, I gotta admit that if this is what I have to look forward to in three months when I get to stay home, I say bring it on! Because one day in the life of a "housewife" was more interesting and made for a better blog than nearly seven years at my job!
Fun times.
P.S. If you want to read a real Big Mac of a story of one lady's McDonald's experience, go here and read this story.
I took my hubby to work, did some laundry, watched a little of the morning news show that I love to hate, decided to see a movie by myself (which I will talk about in my next post) and to treat my stepdaughter and her son to a little field trip out somewhere. I called my super friend and asked sneakily where the mega McDonald's in town was exactly and laid out my plan.
When I got home from my wonderful movie time, it was off to the mega McDonald's. Neither Jamie nor Ryan had any idea where we were going. I was so excited because I love to be able to do fun things, especially unexpected surprises, for others and I just knew we were going to have a great time. We would eat scrumptious hamburgers and fries, Ryan would play his little heart out, his mom would be happy for him, it would be so very magical, and I would be their hero for a few hours. Ah, how very well I thought I had planned this out.
Yeah, not so much.
Everything was going great - we told Ryan as soon as he finished his lunch, he would be able to play. It was a little hard to keep him focused on the food with all the screaming, running, the TV, and just general kiddo mayhem going on all around him. For him, it was probably like me going to Vegas a few years ago - stimulation overload. But, for the most part, I was happy with how things were going. I knew we had sort of a time limit since I had to go pick up Hubby from work, but no real big rush.
We were down to two little bites of his cheeseburger and I could tell he was getting anxious to go play, so both Jamie and I were encouraging him along now. Only one more little bite left. "Yeah! One more bite, Ryan!" The last bite is in his mouth - he's chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing......
And, now he's stopped chewing and is refusing to swallow his FINAL bite of cheeseburger. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!???!!!??? @#$%^&!
Suddenly, Jamie and I have become desperate funmongers, trying to get him to chew and swallow his last bite of food and be able to go play, but our fun-loving boy has turned into obstinate, I-am-not-going-to-chew-this-last-bite-and-you-can't-make-me boy. You can tell by looking at his face that he has settled into his stubborn mode and will not be moved for or by anything. Well, I look right at him and tell him that if he doesn't chew his last bite right now, we are leaving without him getting to play. I ask him if he wants to play and he nods his head yes. Then, finish what's in your mouth NOW. Nope. The kid will not be moved.
After fifteen minutes of hammering into him the consequences of his actions if he persists in continuing on in this way (which I now understand to be totally ineffective) and trying desperately to get back to that magically happy time before that last bite of food entered his mouth, we begin to pack up and leave. Still no response from chipmunk cheek boy. I tell him before leaving the restaurant that he is going straight to time-out when we get home and that he will not get to play with his toys for the rest of the day because of his behavior. He didn't so much as bat an eyelash.
Uuuuurrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!
We're in the car and he is still refusing to finish swallowing his food. We didn't talk to him the entire way home.
We're home and getting him out of the car and now I think he finally realizes it's over because he begins crying and fighting NOT to go inside. Did he think I was bluffing? Grandma Neenie don't mess around.
We set him in time-out and as of the time I left to go pick up Hubby, he still had the indiscriminate piece of cheeseburger in his mouth.
So much for trying to add some fun to his and Jamie's day. That little escapade wore me out.
On my way to pick up my husband, though, my day got better. I called my super friend back and related my story. When I called her, I was about in tears. This wasn't the first time Ryan had pulled this little stunt and I am growing weary of it - I can't understand why he is doing it or how to help and correct him. Thankfully, she got me to laughing - she's really the best! - and gave me some tips which I later shared with Jamie and Hubby.
Well, I gotta admit that if this is what I have to look forward to in three months when I get to stay home, I say bring it on! Because one day in the life of a "housewife" was more interesting and made for a better blog than nearly seven years at my job!
Fun times.
P.S. If you want to read a real Big Mac of a story of one lady's McDonald's experience, go here and read this story.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Happy Birthday, Hubby!
Today is my hubby's birthday! I just want to say how much I love my man. I never had any clue the kind of gift God had in store for me when He brought our lives together nearly five years ago!
My hubby -
Fiercely passionate when it comes to politics,
Teary-eyed when talking about anything relating to tradition/heritage,
Goofy and childlike when it comes to sci-fi (particularly Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica - the original ones mostly)
Most sincerely loving when it comes to his kids,
Eeyore-like when it comes to going to work or getting up in the morning (ask me about this in person),
Patient when it comes to driving (more so than his crazy wife),
Humble and available when it comes to serving,
The only one who can absolutely make his wife laugh and/or smile when she is trying so hard not to,
Loves the Lord and seeks after Him,
Believes in a very simple, practical life,
and
Has one of the most laidback personalities of anyone I've ever met!
I love ya, honey! Happy Birthday!
My hubby -
Fiercely passionate when it comes to politics,
Teary-eyed when talking about anything relating to tradition/heritage,
Goofy and childlike when it comes to sci-fi (particularly Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica - the original ones mostly)
Most sincerely loving when it comes to his kids,
Eeyore-like when it comes to going to work or getting up in the morning (ask me about this in person),
Patient when it comes to driving (more so than his crazy wife),
Humble and available when it comes to serving,
The only one who can absolutely make his wife laugh and/or smile when she is trying so hard not to,
Loves the Lord and seeks after Him,
Believes in a very simple, practical life,
and
Has one of the most laidback personalities of anyone I've ever met!
I love ya, honey! Happy Birthday!
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
last week and today
Well, last week was a little rough around the edges for me. It started with a nightmare I had Sunday night. For me, I always realize while I'm dreaming that what I'm experiencing is actually a dream, even if the dream is good. And, this was no exception. Even though it was a dream and I knew it, my nightmare was about the baby and took me to the worst fear any new mom could have - the death of her unborn child. I remember waking up that night and crying out to God like a child for comfort and peace. The mother-to-be - the one to provide comfort for her child - was reminded of her own need for her Father's comfort and embrace.
Then, I had a wonderful ultrasound and a sweet time with my dear friend last Tuesday. It was good to have someone there. However, the ultrasound brought both "good" and "bad" news. Good news - the fluid is back within normal limits and I've gained a few more pounds. More good news - the baby weighed about what he should and it appears all his organs are there and functioning properly. We even had quite a good time trying to see the baby's face and between his legs, but to no avail. He just wasn't in a photogenic mood, I guess. We got one precious picture of the side of his face where it looks like he's scratching his nose or if he's really mine, he probably had his thumb to his nose and his fingers in the air, like - "Ha, ha, you can't see me!" And, she ran a blood flow check in a conspicuous area where she agreed that it was a boy. So fun.
Now, the bad news - there is now a new concern with the baby which, to me, sounds worse than the fluid issue was. I don't think I can explain it very well, but I'll just give a brief summary of what the doctor told me. She measured the pumping of the heart and the blood flow between baby and the umbilical cord at the same time and apparently (there's a fancy four word name for this test, but I don't know what it is), the blood pressure as she called it, is off the charts high. She didn't give a reason why this would happen and assured me there was nothing I could do about it. (Wonderful.) She also said that I'm just beyond the point in my pregnancy where they would expect to see this kind of thing. If the condition persists, it could mean "limited activity" for me and/or early delivery of baby when it becomes viable to do so. I got the impression that it doesn't signify a condition that would persist outside the womb, so it still looks like baby himself is doing ok. And, I guess it can't be as terrible as my imagination wants to make it out to be, because I'm not scheduled to go back to the specialized doctor for another three weeks to have another ultrasound to check baby's growth. But, I would ask you to pray - for both mommy and baby.
I have to share that over the past week, while praying, seeking peace and comfort from my Father, and wanting to be close to Him, some words came to mind. Suddenly in the midst of my praying, all I could think was to ask God to sing over my baby. To sing over him like He's sung over my life. To sing over his entire being, all his growing, and all that He's designing this little boy to be. To sing peace over and to his worried momma and to remind her that even in the midst of this unknown, God is still with her and in control. The words of Zephaniah 3:17 came to mind -
Thank you for praying and for those of you I've been able to share this with in person, thank you for your compassion, understanding, and reassurances. It won't be long before we'll be celebrating together and holding this new little one in our arms!
Then, I had a wonderful ultrasound and a sweet time with my dear friend last Tuesday. It was good to have someone there. However, the ultrasound brought both "good" and "bad" news. Good news - the fluid is back within normal limits and I've gained a few more pounds. More good news - the baby weighed about what he should and it appears all his organs are there and functioning properly. We even had quite a good time trying to see the baby's face and between his legs, but to no avail. He just wasn't in a photogenic mood, I guess. We got one precious picture of the side of his face where it looks like he's scratching his nose or if he's really mine, he probably had his thumb to his nose and his fingers in the air, like - "Ha, ha, you can't see me!" And, she ran a blood flow check in a conspicuous area where she agreed that it was a boy. So fun.
Now, the bad news - there is now a new concern with the baby which, to me, sounds worse than the fluid issue was. I don't think I can explain it very well, but I'll just give a brief summary of what the doctor told me. She measured the pumping of the heart and the blood flow between baby and the umbilical cord at the same time and apparently (there's a fancy four word name for this test, but I don't know what it is), the blood pressure as she called it, is off the charts high. She didn't give a reason why this would happen and assured me there was nothing I could do about it. (Wonderful.) She also said that I'm just beyond the point in my pregnancy where they would expect to see this kind of thing. If the condition persists, it could mean "limited activity" for me and/or early delivery of baby when it becomes viable to do so. I got the impression that it doesn't signify a condition that would persist outside the womb, so it still looks like baby himself is doing ok. And, I guess it can't be as terrible as my imagination wants to make it out to be, because I'm not scheduled to go back to the specialized doctor for another three weeks to have another ultrasound to check baby's growth. But, I would ask you to pray - for both mommy and baby.
I have to share that over the past week, while praying, seeking peace and comfort from my Father, and wanting to be close to Him, some words came to mind. Suddenly in the midst of my praying, all I could think was to ask God to sing over my baby. To sing over him like He's sung over my life. To sing over his entire being, all his growing, and all that He's designing this little boy to be. To sing peace over and to his worried momma and to remind her that even in the midst of this unknown, God is still with her and in control. The words of Zephaniah 3:17 came to mind -
"The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing."Thank you, Holy Spirit for reminding me!
Thank you for praying and for those of you I've been able to share this with in person, thank you for your compassion, understanding, and reassurances. It won't be long before we'll be celebrating together and holding this new little one in our arms!
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Thanks to Shannon for this fun little quiz. I'm not a nerd! :-) I so totally thought I was. And, despite what the quiz says about me despising nerds, it's not true.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
baby's first concert! and update
When I first found out I was pregnant, my best girlfriend suggested we take one "last" road trip together and do something fun before the baby is born. She really wants to see Rascal Flatts in concert so we found out that they were going to be in Bonner Springs, Kansas on August 5. In the process, we noticed another friend of ours in desperate need of some major girl time and a night (or two) out away from the kiddos. So, this party of three country girls bought our tickets to the "Me and My Gang" tour this past weekend and will be on our way in 3 1/2 weeks! Woo-hoo!The only other "secular" concert I've been to is Journey's, so I'm really looking forward to rocking out country-style with my two girlfriends, getting to hear some of my favorites in person, and hopefully, enjoying my baby's own first dance stylings! Speaking of the baby, he should be fine. We have lawn tickets and will be far enough away from the stage to prevent any hearing loss (ours or his). I know - how fun is that? Just one of the sacrifices you make when you become a mom.
******************************************************
I also had a regular pregnancy check-up yesterday and met with my first male OB doctor. He was very nice and helped to alleviate my concerns about the whole fluid issue with baby. I'm really looking forward to my ultrasound next week and he spoke very highly of the people I will be visiting with. Unlike the clinic I have been going to where the tech performs the ultrasound and passes the results on to the doctor to interpret, the doctors I will be visiting with next week are apparently internal fetal medicine doctors and not only perform the ultrasound, but interpret the results themselves as well. He was confident that they will be able to give me lots of information while I'm there in the clinic next week. My best girlfriend is coming with me and we'll have some fun girl time afterwards, preparing for a baby shower and celebrating her birthday.
I've still only gained one pound total since becoming pregnant and the doctors' opinions just seem to differ. Some of the doctors I've met with have wanted to see me start gaining some weight, but the doctor yesterday did not seem at all concerned. Kinda nice, having the problem of trying to put on weight. It can't possibly last forever. The next 18 weeks could get interesting.
And, as always, the sweet sound of baby's heartbeat made my whole day. I love that it gets easier to find the bigger baby gets and the farther along I am. It's like he no sooner had that doppler on my belly than we could hear baby's strong heartbeat loud and clear. I remember the first time hearing it in May - those five or ten minutes until we found it were nerve-wracking!
Now that I'm over halfway there, I'm getting more excited and nervous to deliver and see this little baby! It's still overwhelming to think that in about 18 weeks, I'm going to meet the son God knew about before I was even born. I'm longing to hold him, kiss his face, take care of him everyday, and just be his momma. All the love I have left to give is already completely his, if that's possible. Though I wouldn't miss or rush them for the world, these next 18 weeks can't go by fast enough.
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