Well, changes have come and are coming to the triple-J-household! For those of you thinking we might be getting a new addition to our happy little home, you're right, but not in the way you're thinking. :-)
I don't even really know where to begin with this post. I've debated and struggled over whether I should even put all of this out here and why I want to - if my motivation is in the right place. I've finally decided to just put this out here and let it be. I'm such an overanalyzer. Lord, please forgive me of my overanalyzing!
To begin with, one of our vehicles bit the bullet last week. Right in time for the first snow of the season. Really, I'm not that upset or concerned about it -
yet. I'm glad that my husband is not driving that truck anymore - he was having to fill it up with so much water/radiator fluid everyday just to get to work because it was overheating (in below freezing temperatures!) and so it was good to finally hear what the problem was and just face the inevitable. As you can imagine, my husband and I are carpooling it until we can afford to get another vehicle. It's not going too bad but the early mornings will eventually catch up with us, I'm sure.
This event, in turn, has cemented the cancellation of plans we had to visit my husband's family in California in January. Just kinda hard to save for a car and take a holiday trip at the same time. :-) This is pretty disappointing, but not the end of the world.
However, one thing we are going forward with is bringing one of my stepdaughters and her son out here to live with us in January. (Ah! Finally, the new family addition mystery is revealed!) And, we will begin looking for a bigger place than our little two-bedroom apartment so that we will all have some room to live and breathe. And this is where I get a little stuck in my thought process and how to express myself. This is not a big surprise to me - I knew when I married my husband that any of his daughters could come to live with us at any time and that a few of them already have children of their own. I'm definitely not complaining or upset by any means. I would describe my emotions thinking about this forthcoming reality of a new chapter in my life and marriage as ranging the entire gammit. I feel joy and an anticipation of good things that could manifest for this sweet girl and her son because of such a change in her life, which I believe is a positive one. I also feel more than a little anxiety and inadequacy to fully take on the role as guardian, stepmother, stepgrandmother, co-parent and all the responsibilities and commitments it will require of me. Am I adequate for the task before me? In all honesty, probably not. I have never been a mother, so to be first a stepmom to an 18-year-old who is herself a mother to her 2-year-old son is somewhat of a paradox to me. What can I possibly offer this girl? She's already had more experience at being a mother than I have! Yeah, sure, I'm older and supposedly wiser, but am I really? I've changed less diapers in my entire lifetime than she has in the past two years! In all honesty, what I feel already is that I am a fake, wanna-be parent. Instead of having my own children (we haven't really been trying anyway), I am going to try to parent a girl who is already a mother herself? Who am I kidding?
Ok, stop...................
One of my first responses to this is that I want to dare to believe that I can have the kind of courage or bravery to fully embrace this new chapter in my journey, like Peter in the Chronicles, or Ruth or Mary in the Bible. (C, I can't seem to get away from the word brave and it certainly seems it's becoming a resounding theme word in my life, particularly this past year.)
I think at this moment, I absolutely
HAVE to believe that God is truly bigger than my circumstances, inadequacy, and anxiety or I will be swallowed whole and consumed by them.
He thinks I am capable, knowing that I am going to be on my knees everyday, praying for strength, wisdom, patience, more love, and anything else I missed that all you other
real parent friends of mine can remind me of. He believes I am capable because He knows
who my heart is most dependent upon, and at this moment, it is the most comfort I have. I know without a doubt I will be clinging to Him for dear life and if I let go, certain disaster is waiting. Will I fail? Yes. Will I always make the right decisions, say the right things, be the right example, and not get angry? No. There are no guarantees as to how my relationship with my stepdaughter and stepgrandson will be or how things will turn out once they're here. However, I am choosing to believe that on the other side of the anxiety, inadequacy, the inevitable failures, and the tension, God is working out something incredibly beautiful for the four of us. It may be years down the road, there may be heartache involved, but I believe it is totally worth it.
On top of all of this, I still believe Christ is leading me back to school. I am continuing to pray for His guidance and timing, realizing that He is shifting my priorities in some pretty big ways and my eagerness to get back to school may need to be restrained until our family moves through an adjustment period. Maybe it doesn't. (Everytime I think of making plans that are more than a month away, I am reminded of the passage in
James 4:13-15 that talks about not boasting about tomorrow. I am always reminded that God ultimately decides whether I have a tomorrow on earth and my best laid plans may not get to be carried out. I hope that doesn't sound too morbid.)
I think about all these things and I wonder, why now for all of this? Even though I have a lot of hope, it all just seems a little out of control. Where is the purpose in all of it and are we doing the right things? Is bringing my stepdaughter and her son out here the right thing to do? Will I ever get back to school? When will we be able to afford another car? How long will I be able to come to work with no vehicle - with no way to run errands during my lunch break and dependent on my husband to bring me and pick me up - before I start complaining? Am I capable of
not complaining? What will it be like when my stepdaughter and her son arrives? Will we be able to find a bigger place that we can afford? When will we be able to pay a visit to my inlaws? AHHHHHHHH!!!
It's easy for me to be consumed with worry, feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, and insignificance, and helplessness, but I am longing to be consumed so much by Christ that all other feelings and circumstances just pale in comparison to all that He is. I really do believe He has a purpose in mind for all these things that are going on in my life right now, but my actions don't always reflect that belief and I desperately want them to. It's easy to talk a big faith, but when it's put to the test of actions, I just hardly ever measure up. At least in my mind. I pray that Christ will continue to teach me how to live out my faith and bring it to life.
Despite the concerns that have been weighing on my mind as of late, I want to acknowledge my utter dependence on God and the belief that He is in control of it all and the hope of what I can see through my narrow vision of all that He's doing in my life and the lives of those around me. So that when my vision becomes blurred or bleak in the months to come, I can come back to this and remember that I have Hope and that God is, indeed, in control. :-)
