it's been a while, part 2

This post has been nearly two weeks in the making and it’s still no easier to write. Prepare yourself for a VERY long post.

It’s hard when relationships come to an end - especially ones that have taken up nearly seven years of your life. Friday, September 15, 2006 @ 5:00, I left my job with Family & Children's Services for the last time to become a full-time stepmommy, stepgrandmommy, homemaker, and in the very near future, my own kid’s mom. It was a wonderful and bittersweet moment for me.

I was only 20 years old when I started work with Family & Children's Services. I had only been in Tulsa a little over a year, had just been let go from one job that I had been at for almost a year, and was believing that God was going to provide something more permanent for me – with health insurance and other benefits. It’s quite a story, actually. I was without a job for nearly three weeks and had just applied with another temporary agency when I decided to attend Faithweek (my church’s summer youth camp) as a volunteer in the kitchens. My parents thought I was nuts and didn’t understand my faith at that time. Something in my gut and heart told me that God could accomplish more in one week without my help in providing a job for me than I could. There was a peace that seemed to assure me that God had everything under control with my job and financial situation and that I needed to go to Faithweek. I also remember feeling very called to go to Faithweek and God had provided a way for me to go by allowing me to be let go from my job (they certainly weren’t going to let me off for a week and allow me to return as a temp). So, I trusted Him with everything within me and went to Faithweek. When I returned, the temp agency called me the following Monday and told me they had an assignment for me at a place called Family & Children's Services. I started the next day and was hired on permanently on September 22, 1999. I can’t imagine how different the outcome might have been if I had stayed in Tulsa from Faithweek that year and had spent that time looking for a job on my own. It was truly an answer to prayer for me.

Over my seven year tenure with Family & Children's Services, I obtained my first vehicle for $50 (via an employee who saw my need for one and connected me with someone who had what I needed), made many new friends, celebrated life with those who got married and had babies, got married and changed my name myself, still have a celebration planned for next Friday to share in the joy of my new baby’s life with them, celebrated the pursuits and ambitions of those who moved on, shared sorrows and joys with many co-workers, suffered when some were fired, and now - it has all come to an end. Well, the work at least.

And, to be honest, there's a huge burden that has been lifted from my heart and life by this job coming to an end. I haven't been happy at this job for nearly two years and it has been one of the longest and hardest times I've endured, maybe needlessly. I've struggled between right and wrong, staying or not staying, whether I'm being faithful in staying or faithful if I left, about being faithful while I'm still there, and trying to voice my concerns to those in the positions to hear and make things happen towards change in the company.

A few weeks ago, my boss sat down with me seriously and we had one of the most heartfelt and difficult talks I've ever had with her. It was actually kinda weird. I've never felt any sympathy from her when it comes to feeling overwhelmed at work (probably because everyone at the company is overwhelmed), but I really felt like she was sympathetic to me as just another person. I had made some mistakes and fallen behind one time too many and in essence, she had reached her limit. I tried to explain that I had approached her many times before and expressed my feeling overwhelmed, but to no avail. And, as to other things, she wasn't even looking for an explanation. She knew my intention was to leave when the baby came and not return to my job, so she asked me to resign two months ahead of schedule. She said she wanted me to enjoy my last two months of my pregnancy and to not be concerned with work, but taking care of myself and the baby. She, herself, had gestational diabetes during her pregnancy, and was very sympathetic to the toll it is slowly taking on me. At the end of my time with her that day, I felt sad, more than a little anxious, and a little relieved that this long, bittersweet time of my life was finally coming to an end. I have to admit it's been even harder to want to go to work knowing that the end is coming. I just wanted it to be over. And, now - it is.

And where is God in all of this? Well, He was in the beginning of it, He was there all the way through it, He was there in the end taking care of me, baby, and insurance, He is in the relationships that will last far longer than the job ever did, He is there in the love and attachment that I feel to so many, He is in the memories that have been made, in all the laughter, the tears, He was there teaching me faithfulness and integrity and working to perfect me even when I was faithless and disobedient, He is in all the grace I feel for having been part of this company for as long as I was, and He is in all the things that have yet to be revealed and understood.

I'm going back next Friday for a baby shower that they have planned for me. It may be a little awkward, but possibly not. Some people don't even know yet that I'm gone and will be surprised come Monday morning. That makes me sad. Some people surprised me by their well wishes and heartfelt words of thanks and happiness for me. You just don't always know how much one life can touch another, I guess. I know there are some people I will have to call to let them know the baby has arrived and I know I will be returning many times to visit and show off the baby once he's born. They like that. They prefer not to have to hunt you down to see and hold the baby.

So, the work is over, but life and relationships go on.

I'm really looking forward to the next two months and the years after the baby is born. I cannot wait to be my kid's mom! It's something I always knew I wanted to be and now, the time has finally come for this chapter to be opened and written.

I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come