UPDATE TO PREVIOUS POST

For those of you who are checking this blog, I wanted to make you aware of a prayer request on behalf of one of my very dear friends. The weekend I left Tulsa, a dear girlfriend of mine and her family were supposed to come into town to visit with me. However, on Thursday, August 2, my friend called me to tell me that she and her husband had just been informed by his doctor that it was very likely he had testicular cancer. This came as an incredible shock to all of us and they decided not to come to town, which I understood completely. On Friday, it was confirmed cancer, and my friend's husband underwent surgery the following week to remove the cancer, and is now recovering. They are still waiting to find out what further treatments he will undergo, but please if you would do so, I would ask you to pray for them. They are currently serving in deaf ministry in Arkansas and were/are in the process of moving to Thailand for further training. They have two sons, one of which is nearly just a year old, the other just turned 3. Please pray for healing for him and for strength for my friend as she is taking all of this on. Pray above all that God would be glorified in their lives as they go through this. This is just one of many health issues that seem to be plaguing them at the moment, but they are trusting God completely to work in and through all these things. I always am grateful for your prayers and know so well that God hears them. Thank you for keeping up with me. I'm going to post again soon and try to catch you up on all my sojourning adventures!

I've delayed for too long

To sum it up -

My husband has joined the Army and is currently away at training, my little Allen (now 8 1/2 months old) and I have taken up the ancient practice of sojourning and are currently living with friends in Tulsa for another week or so, after which we will be leaving Tulsa, the home that I've known for nearly ten years, to stay with my parents in El Paso until the Army tells us where to go (and I can guarantee it won't be Tulsa), my stepdaughter and her son left our home a few months ago in dramatic and somewhat devastating fashion and have returned back to California, it is my husband's 42nd birthday today and he was due to take a PT (physical training) test and I still haven't heard how he did, my dear Tabitha Grace (my black-and-white cat who I've had almost as long as I've been in Tulsa) died today, one of my dearest friends (and whose house I'm living in) just got back from the Philippines today, one of my other dear friends' mothers-in-law is having health trouble, one of my dearest friends is investigating something she found in her breast, her deaf husband had a seizure a few months ago and is not allowed to drive himself around for a year, they are in the process of moving to Thailand with their two young boys next year, and are also coming to visit me the last weekend I am in Tulsa, my brother and his wife are preparing to move to New York City in October, my great-grandmother was buried in Belfast, Maine about a month ago, I'm hoping to visit my aging grandparents in Florida this October with Allen before time gets away from us, and Harry Potter's incredible story just came to an close. (The last one is not so dramatic, but it just seems to fit along with the theme of change for me right now.)

All this to say that life is going on and God is still in control. Otherwise, I don't know how I could very well endure most of the changes that life has brought and is bringing me and some of my very closest friends and family.

WOW! I really needed to get that out.

belle of the borderland ball

Well, here I am in the west Texas town of El Paso, NOT falling in love with a Mexican girl, which I'm sure my husband and many others are thankful for. But, I am falling more in love with my little boy, who has achieved some milestones since coming down here. (By the way, the people in the picture above are my big brother Jonathan, the uncle - who as of yesterday is a big 24 years old -- geez! -- and little Allen, his nephew. Don't they look so very cute?) Little Allen has rolled over and back all by himself now and continues to sleep through the night longer as I give him opportunity to do so. He's learning to be content by himself for longer periods (but never TOO long) and is expanding his vocal horizons by covering the octaves in a few seconds (I remember Cathy warning me about this - how fun!). At first, it was hard to tell whether he was screaming in pain or just exploring his voice. But, he thought it was quite funny that I would appear out of nowhere and look worried when he made this noise, so I caught on pretty quickly. On that note, I can definitely say he enjoys talking to himself while waiting for me to come get him up from naps and will occassionally wake up an hour earlier than his normal morning wake-up time and talk himself back to sleep. He really is such a "good baby." I hate saying that, because what does that even mean, but that is all I can think of to describe his temperament. And, he is very social. He'd take a person's attention anyday over any toy and whenever he's upset, most often he can be soothed just by someone coming over and giving him some attention. He's just like his momma in this way, I think. As time goes by, he just continues to capture places in my heart I never knew existed and I catch myself many times just wanting to take in everything about him every moment of the day. Alas, that will never be reality, but being down here without so many other responsibilities has been so very refreshing for me. I have had "more time" to enjoy him and feel even more bonded to him than ever now.

As for my time down here (now that I'm done raving about my adorable son) -
It has been pretty nice. My parents are enjoying spending time with Allen and clicking pictures of him. We've had a few weird moments, but nothing too out of the ordinary. It hasn't been exactly like I expected, but every family is different, and while my dad could spend seemingly every waking moment with Allen, my mom could go either way. It's been interesting to say the least, but don't get me started.

My dad has been out of town this week training in Arizona and before he left, we celebrated my brother's upcoming birthday. It was quite fun. For those of you who don't know, my brother is a pastry chef and he works at a place here in El Paso called The Greenery (he works in what's called the Greenery Market and Bakery). He is really quite the celebrity and does so well at what he does, enjoys it, and every time I get close to his work and hear his passion for it, I just grow more proud and inspired. Well, anyways, we had dinner at the Greenery Restaurant, and it was such an experience for me. Only my brother and dad ordered something that the executive chef prepared himself and when my mom and I made comments on how the food was presented (being the "hicks" that we are), my brother thought it was so funny that he asked the executive chef to come by and see us. Not really a big deal for him, since he knows the guy, but I was really impressed to have the chef explain and show such passion for his presentation of a meal. The staff sang Happy Birthday and then we were treated to a variety of the things Jonathan prepares for dessert. I wish we had taken a picture, because I felt like royalty - the staff brought four trays, each with two different desserts. We were able to split up all the desserts and then each of us was able to have a taste of whatever we wanted! It was so fun! To top it all off, the Greenery quietly footed our bill as a gift to Jonathan. It's such an encouragement to me to see a staff that has such a high regard for not only their work, but for each other. They value each other's work and it's so obvious because all night, the interaction between him and all the staff was so genuine. And it's always a joy to see people who truly ENJOY what they do.

Also, last Saturday, I got to spend some time with my wonderful sister-in-law, Tianna. It was fun to actually get a chance to spend some time with her apart from my brother, which rarely happens since our visits to El Paso are normally so short. We went to see the movie Premonition and got to talk in the car. I would never have guessed the girl could talk like she did (this is not to say anything bad about her at all, in fact just the opposite, but you must understand that when my brother is around, he pretty much dominates a conversation) and I enjoyed getting to know more about her.

This week has been pretty quiet, since my mom has gone back to work after spring break and my dad is out of town. My brother's actual birthday was yesterday and I made Betty Crocker cupcakes. My brother says I can't lay any claim to them since they came from a box. I understand.

I also had to learn to drive a stick shift again, which I was extremely nervous about. It was either relearn stick, walk everywhere, try to ride the bus, or stay home. Desperation played a big role. But, my first time out with my dad last Saturday went pretty well and I didn't stall the car out once. Yeah me!!!

Please pray for my mom - she is having foot surgery next Tuesday and will be home recovering. It's nothing too serious, but she has been suffering pain from a hammer toe and bunnions and has finally decided to have something done about them before the condition gets much worse.

I have to admit the days have been kind of long, since I am temporarily Allen's only caregiver. I'm so spoiled by my husband - he normally takes the last and first feedings of the day, so I can sleep, rest, and have some "metime" - but it hasn't been too bad, either. I miss hubby and I know he misses us. I will definitely look forward to that little extra sleep, rest, and space when I get back.

Speaking of which, now would be an excellent time for me to go to bed. (And, I don't care what Blogger says, this blog post was completed around 1 in the morning.)

only the beginning

There they are - three of the most important women in my life. From left to right, my great-grandmother Avis, my mother, and my grandmother Betty. This picture was taken a little over three years ago, in September of 2003 - the year I was married and the year my brother graduated from college as a pastry chef. It was the last great family vacation (a big one, truly) before my brother and I married our spouses and was definitely two weeks I will not soon forget. This was also the last time I got to visit at all with my great-grandmother, whose house was sold the next summer when she was moved to a nursing home in Florida.

I remember talking to my parents the weekend before they went to visit her that summer the house was sold. No one had shared with me that the house I had made so many summer memories in was being sold. I only found out by accident and I was crushed! I couldn't believe there would be no more memories of my own, my children or any of my family for that matter made within those precious walls. And, I couldn't believe my great-grandmother was being moved from the home she had lived in for so long. It turned out it was only the beginning of the end for Grammy.

And, so I have some very sad news to share. While my little baby boy's life is just beginning, another one very dear to me has come to its earthly end. My great-grandmother, Avis Bradstreet, passed away two Tuesday evenings ago at the age of 93 in her nursing home in Florida. Her condition, primarily Alzheimer's, had been progressively worsening and was complicated by a fall she took that broke her hip in the latter part of last year. She wasn't getting around much due to this complication and because of her Alzheimer's, she didn't have memory of anyone except my grandmother, who visited her everyday. She was in a lot of pain, was on a lot of medication which made her sleepy most of her days, and wasn't eating well. About a month ago when I talked to my grandmother, I had a feeling her end was coming soon. From what my grandmother shared with me, the nurses said she went fast and just passed away in her sleep.

I remember my great-grandmother with so much love! And, it has been so hard to know she is in pain and see her body deteriorate over the past few years. Until I moved to Tulsa and really started to call this place home, hers was the one our entire family referred to whenever we said home. Whenever we visited her, I could hardly wait to turn onto Bayview Street, see that sea-green house, and her coming out to meet us. I have another post brewing about her house because the house alone just conjures up so many memories for me. But for now, I just want to share that -

Within the walls of my great-grandmother's house, I

Spent many summers with my family
Received many hand-me-down nightgowns from my grandmother (the kind that were perfect for twirling around and feeling all girly in-oh, they were so very beautiful!)
Watched my grandmother live out her faith
Watched her read My Daily Bread every morning
Watched her enjoy solving a great crossword (and when I got older, I even tried to help and really thought my grandmother had to be very smart to finish something so difficult)
Sat around the table in her huge kitchen and shared meals with my family
Helped her clean
Explored her house (she really had a huge house!)
Played hide-and-go-seek with my brother
Listened to the sound of the water coming in on the beach on those summer nights
Snuggled with my Grammy in her humongous king bed and watched Johnny Carson late at night, which always made me feel really special (and remember, late night on the east coast is REALLY late)
Upset my grandmother when my brother and I would fight
Learned how to make coffee
Discovered dentures for the first time
Teased my great-grandmother about her precious New England accent - "Spahkle papeh towels"
First learned what it means to lead a life well lived and that you don't have to accomplish "huge" things by the world's standards to make a difference
Learned the beauty of stillness
Was my great-grandmother's sweet pea
Always hated to leave
And always got so excited to see that sea green house on Bayview Street that was home to the dearest grandmother my life has ever known!

I loved my Grammy and will miss her dearly. I’m excited that her life beyond this earth is beginning and sad that she is no longer here. Her love has forever etched its mark on my life and her legacy will be shared with my children and beyond. In the words of Mercy Me, truly, "I've never been more homesick than now."

some thoughts on new mommyhood in no particular order

Look at that handsome, happy little man! I don't think you could find a mother more in love at this very moment (well, I might know a few who would say otherwise). Kyle, you asked me a while back how I was liking motherhood. And, I said I liked it, but didn't love it all the time. And, at that moment, I don't think I was loving it as much as I was frustrating my way through it. Well, I'm loving it more everyday. Truly. I still don't love it in the way I thought I would, but here the difference still is that my heart can't seem to contain all the love that I have for this little boy. Eventually, I think I will love most of it. It is certainly more enjoyable than what I was doing before I was a mom and that is saying something. But, how could you possibly love every minute of parenting? I'm not looking forward to disciplining and learning to let go. Wah! So, it really is getting better. And, just between me and all of you, after wanting a girl so badly, it's so fun and precious to have this little boy in my life. I can't imagine having had a girl now. Isn't that just the greatest?

I've been recording little things in a journal for him (and myself) about his first few months and years of life. It's been so much fun! Just over the past few weeks he has been smiling and cooing so much more. His hands have even found his mouth and they are having lots of fun getting acquainted. He is a great listener, especially when mommy is reading or singing to him. I think he has gained my morning temperament, because he is always so very happy in the morning. It's like he looks at daddy and I and says, "Wow! It's been such a long time since I've seen you and I had almost forgotten how fun you guys are and now I'm SO glad to see you!" My favorite time of the day has become that time in between his first feeding and his first nap - he is the most alert and just smiles his precious head off, coos, and gets so excited to have mommy's attention. We really have so much fun together!

On a more serious note, two other mommys' words have returned to my head most often during these days of mommyhood initiation. One very recently just encouraged me and reminded me that I am Allen's mom - simple and yet profound for a new mother, believe me. Whether it feels like it or not, I, my husband, and God, know our son better than anyone else, and I can be confident in knowing that between the three of us, we can do what's best for Allen and our family. Something like that, while very encouraging, also requires a certain amount of courage to accept the realization that while many parents can give lots of great advice and share ideas, it's not always going to work for us the way it did for them and definitely that there is hardly ever a magic solution. Darn! It's hard work being a parent and sometimes, as I've come to realize very quickly, we're just going to have to find our own way through each situation and see what WILL work for us. Along with these thoughts, I am reminded of something another mommy and friend wrote in the months before I even became pregnant with Allen. You can read what she wrote here. When I read it at the time, I knew that I was being given a gift and that no matter when I had children, I would always remember what she had said and how very grateful I was to hear it before having kids. In a nutshell, it's the truth that I am never going to be all that my child needs. This has been especially encouraging when Allen is crying and nothing I'm doing is helping him to calm down. It's then that I remember what this mommy said and just pray for God to give peace to my little baby. Mind you, I will still pick him up and comfort him as best I can, but when it is not working, I put him down - mostly for my own sanity. He knows I'm there, but I have come to realize that sometimes, there will be nothing I can do to soothe his crying and it is ok to put him down.

At this moment, I finally feel like I am getting into a clear, but flexible routine with Allen and it is so refreshing! A friend commented yesterday that I seem more at peace and calm than I was even a few weeks ago. Well, yes, that is quite true. It's taken a lot longer than I thought it would to get settled into a stable routine and to just let go of my expectations of what I think the days of motherhood should look like and how they should go. But, through my son's eyes, I am learning to savor every moment. For him, everyday holds its own adventures, smiles, tears, poopy diapers, spitting up, the wonder of discovering something new to gaze at, familiar words to read and hear, new songs to learn and enjoy, new people to meet, moving arms and legs about in new ways, trying out dance moves in the bouncy seat, and of course, lots of nuzzling and cuddling with Mommy, Daddy, and big sister, all to name a few...... What a life!

Well, this is probably the most unorganized piece of writing I've done in a long time. I think it has something to do with the drain on my brain - Allen is taking all the good that's left of my brain and sucking it right out. I guess I can be grateful at least someone will get some use out of it. Just kidding. Sort of.