it's been a while, part 2

This post has been nearly two weeks in the making and it’s still no easier to write. Prepare yourself for a VERY long post.

It’s hard when relationships come to an end - especially ones that have taken up nearly seven years of your life. Friday, September 15, 2006 @ 5:00, I left my job with Family & Children's Services for the last time to become a full-time stepmommy, stepgrandmommy, homemaker, and in the very near future, my own kid’s mom. It was a wonderful and bittersweet moment for me.

I was only 20 years old when I started work with Family & Children's Services. I had only been in Tulsa a little over a year, had just been let go from one job that I had been at for almost a year, and was believing that God was going to provide something more permanent for me – with health insurance and other benefits. It’s quite a story, actually. I was without a job for nearly three weeks and had just applied with another temporary agency when I decided to attend Faithweek (my church’s summer youth camp) as a volunteer in the kitchens. My parents thought I was nuts and didn’t understand my faith at that time. Something in my gut and heart told me that God could accomplish more in one week without my help in providing a job for me than I could. There was a peace that seemed to assure me that God had everything under control with my job and financial situation and that I needed to go to Faithweek. I also remember feeling very called to go to Faithweek and God had provided a way for me to go by allowing me to be let go from my job (they certainly weren’t going to let me off for a week and allow me to return as a temp). So, I trusted Him with everything within me and went to Faithweek. When I returned, the temp agency called me the following Monday and told me they had an assignment for me at a place called Family & Children's Services. I started the next day and was hired on permanently on September 22, 1999. I can’t imagine how different the outcome might have been if I had stayed in Tulsa from Faithweek that year and had spent that time looking for a job on my own. It was truly an answer to prayer for me.

Over my seven year tenure with Family & Children's Services, I obtained my first vehicle for $50 (via an employee who saw my need for one and connected me with someone who had what I needed), made many new friends, celebrated life with those who got married and had babies, got married and changed my name myself, still have a celebration planned for next Friday to share in the joy of my new baby’s life with them, celebrated the pursuits and ambitions of those who moved on, shared sorrows and joys with many co-workers, suffered when some were fired, and now - it has all come to an end. Well, the work at least.

And, to be honest, there's a huge burden that has been lifted from my heart and life by this job coming to an end. I haven't been happy at this job for nearly two years and it has been one of the longest and hardest times I've endured, maybe needlessly. I've struggled between right and wrong, staying or not staying, whether I'm being faithful in staying or faithful if I left, about being faithful while I'm still there, and trying to voice my concerns to those in the positions to hear and make things happen towards change in the company.

A few weeks ago, my boss sat down with me seriously and we had one of the most heartfelt and difficult talks I've ever had with her. It was actually kinda weird. I've never felt any sympathy from her when it comes to feeling overwhelmed at work (probably because everyone at the company is overwhelmed), but I really felt like she was sympathetic to me as just another person. I had made some mistakes and fallen behind one time too many and in essence, she had reached her limit. I tried to explain that I had approached her many times before and expressed my feeling overwhelmed, but to no avail. And, as to other things, she wasn't even looking for an explanation. She knew my intention was to leave when the baby came and not return to my job, so she asked me to resign two months ahead of schedule. She said she wanted me to enjoy my last two months of my pregnancy and to not be concerned with work, but taking care of myself and the baby. She, herself, had gestational diabetes during her pregnancy, and was very sympathetic to the toll it is slowly taking on me. At the end of my time with her that day, I felt sad, more than a little anxious, and a little relieved that this long, bittersweet time of my life was finally coming to an end. I have to admit it's been even harder to want to go to work knowing that the end is coming. I just wanted it to be over. And, now - it is.

And where is God in all of this? Well, He was in the beginning of it, He was there all the way through it, He was there in the end taking care of me, baby, and insurance, He is in the relationships that will last far longer than the job ever did, He is there in the love and attachment that I feel to so many, He is in the memories that have been made, in all the laughter, the tears, He was there teaching me faithfulness and integrity and working to perfect me even when I was faithless and disobedient, He is in all the grace I feel for having been part of this company for as long as I was, and He is in all the things that have yet to be revealed and understood.

I'm going back next Friday for a baby shower that they have planned for me. It may be a little awkward, but possibly not. Some people don't even know yet that I'm gone and will be surprised come Monday morning. That makes me sad. Some people surprised me by their well wishes and heartfelt words of thanks and happiness for me. You just don't always know how much one life can touch another, I guess. I know there are some people I will have to call to let them know the baby has arrived and I know I will be returning many times to visit and show off the baby once he's born. They like that. They prefer not to have to hunt you down to see and hold the baby.

So, the work is over, but life and relationships go on.

I'm really looking forward to the next two months and the years after the baby is born. I cannot wait to be my kid's mom! It's something I always knew I wanted to be and now, the time has finally come for this chapter to be opened and written.

I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come

every season

Days like today – the whisper of fall in the cooler air and even in the way the sun shines, the beginning of trees shedding their summer-kissed leaves, being able to drive with the windows down and breathe it all in – it all just sings a beautiful love song to me of God, of hope, and of my favorite time of the year on the way. It makes me want to cry for joy and makes me so very thankful that my first child will be born in the fall. I would give a thousand summers to live just perpetually in the fall, winter, and spring seasons. Days like today just make me thankful to be alive. And, it kinda leads well into what my next post is going to be about. I've entered a season of fall in one area of my life where one chapter is ending and spring is about to blossom in another area and a whole new life is about to arrive - literally! Joy and a little sorrow comingled.

It all reminds me of a song by one of my favorite singers and it should come as no surprise who it is – Nichole Nordeman.

The song is called Every Season and needs no explanation or interpretation. Enjoy!

Every evening sky, an invitation, to trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration, for freedom that is ours
And I notice you in children's games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered to the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September and sending us inside
Still I notice you when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come
You are autumn

And everything in time, and under heaven, finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation, shivers underneath
And still I notice you when branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death you open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
And what was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with you, and how you make me new
With every season's change
And so it will be as you are recreating me

Summer autumn winter spring

it's been a while, part 1

Well, I realize it’s been a long time since I wrote anything on here. I’ve been kinda struggling. I’m just tired of having not-so-fun things to write about because I realize everyone has stuff going on and what is my stuff compared to everyone else’s? And for those of you who don’t like to read long posts, well, you know who you’re dealing with. I’ve hardly ever written a short post in my life, so I’ll just get on with it already.

In the past few days, my life has changed dramatically. No, the baby hasn’t been born yet or anything (I wouldn’t dare not tell anyone at Rivendell about something that big!), but simple things like eating and drinking and bigger things like work versus staying home have added some stress (and a little joy!) to my life these past few days and I can’t keep it all to myself anymore.

Over the past four weeks, I have taken some tests that any mother-to-be takes – the glucose screening test and most often, the 3-hour glucose tolerance test/challenge. Well, I flunked them both – miserably. I was most upset when I found out I had flunked the tolerance test and knew that I was going to be dealing with gestational diabetes. However, I tend to want to stay positive and see it as a new opportunity to trust Him more, so I just resolved, “Alright, God, we’re going to do this. Whatever I have to do I just have to do it and the rest is in Your hands.”

So, this past Monday, I went to see the dietician, picked up my meter, and got educated on how I need to eat, what I need to eat, how often I need to eat, anything you could think of relating to eating – I learned it! I really enjoyed my visit and meeting with the dietician and felt relieved when I left. I called my doctor’s office to ask them to call in a prescription for my test strips and lancets and went to get me some lunch. Two hours after lunch, I took my second blood sugar testing and was discouraged to see that it was elevated – I was sure I had followed everything the dietician had told me, so I was kind of upset. A few hours later, I was telling myself, “It’s ok. It’s your first day. It’s going to take a few days for your blood sugar to even out. CHILL!” Then, my husband and I went to the pharmacy before dinner to pick up my prescriptions, which included my prenatal vitamins and all my diabetes stuff. The price of the strips about knocked me over and I got discouraged again – “This diabetes diet isn’t even going to work and we’re going to pay all this money for these strips just to find out my blood sugar won’t level out!” I actually broke down crying as quietly as I could in the Wal-Mart store and put some things back that I felt like, “You know what? I just don’t need this stuff.” And I felt like my life as I knew it was over (I can really make things seem bigger than they are, I know). My poor husband didn’t know what to do. I was just so discouraged that first day.

These are the moments I feel like I really forget to trust God and allow the circumstances around me to seem bigger than they are and more importantly, bigger than Him. What are test strips and lancets to Him? Does He sympathize with what I’m going through? Undoubtedly yes! Is He worried about how we’re going to pay for the testing supplies or that the diet might not work? Absolutely not. Please, Lord, increase my faith to NOT WORRY!

Since Monday, my blood sugar numbers have leveled out – Praise the Lord for that! – and my OB is very happy with them as well since she expected them to be a lot higher after looking at my tolerance test results, which were pretty ominous. Actually, my appointment yesterday with my OB was one of the most positive I’ve had so far. Even though my pregnancy has developed some complications, it’s a relief to hear that my OB feels they’re being managed well. I can’t thank God enough for my OB – she is so positive, down to earth, and will still tell me like it is that I just am very thankful for her! I joked with her that pretty much all I think about everyday now is drinking enough water, what I’m going to eat at meals/snacks, and checking my blood sugar. She told me, “Janine, you’re in the home stretch now - not much longer. Just hang in there and keep doing what you’re doing! You’re doing great!” Isn’t she great?!

And, I’m still holding at only five pounds gained. I don’t imagine I’ll gain anymore and may even lose some now that I’m eating every few hours and am very limited on my carbs. My OB doesn’t sound concerned about me losing weight as long as I’m not feeling hungry and getting enough to eat.

So, that’s just part one. The rest is actually harder to talk about, but I’ll get to it soon.