without words

So, for all you who have been holding your breath, patiently awaiting the answer to my previous post - the riddle - it should come as no surprise to hear the answer is that I'm pregnant! YEAH!

What wonderful and terrifying news all at once! This will be my very first child and my husband and I's first child together and I'm sure all you mommies out there can comprehend the gammit of emotions I'm experiencing - wonder, terror, anxiety, joy, excitement, shock, disbelief, and grace, among many others. But, it's also hard for me to express all of how and what I'm feeling and I think it very necessary to share something somewhat personal in relation to this.

I've shared with a few people who I know will read this that until the home pregnancy test on Monday and the doctor's confirmation on Wednesday proved me wrong, I had this nagging feeling that I would not be able to have children of my own. I had even begun to reconcile myself to this thought - taking joy in the thought of adoption and recently, taking incredible joy in having my daughter and grandson here to love. So, why the nagging feeling? Quite simply, because of shameful moments in my past when I have prayed to God not to be pregnant and by His grace, I was not. And, because I had this warped idea that God would punish me in my future for things I had done in my past by not allowing me to ever have children. On one hand, it's humbling to publicly uncover this box I placed God in and have Him prove my thoughts and ideas about Him wrong. On the other hand, it's also incredibly humbling and wonderful that when I least expect it, He bestows new mercy and grace on my life and in the process shatters all my insecurities and misconceptions about who He is.

Everyday, I am more and more aware that my very life itself is an act of God's grace - there is no other reason I am alive but for His grace and glory. Even my name - Janine - means "God is gracious" (as does John, h b, you know - the same form of name?). I am a work of God's grace, wonderfully created in Christ Jesus, and this little boy or girl taking form inside me is truly a blessing and a new expression of God's unmerited grace in my life. So, when you see me, if it seems I have very few or no words to express how I'm feeling, it's because I truly don't. I am still taking it all in. And for once, I think silent wonder is more than appropriate. There will be plenty of time for talking and writing over the next nine months. But for now, I am without words.