only the beginning

There they are - three of the most important women in my life. From left to right, my great-grandmother Avis, my mother, and my grandmother Betty. This picture was taken a little over three years ago, in September of 2003 - the year I was married and the year my brother graduated from college as a pastry chef. It was the last great family vacation (a big one, truly) before my brother and I married our spouses and was definitely two weeks I will not soon forget. This was also the last time I got to visit at all with my great-grandmother, whose house was sold the next summer when she was moved to a nursing home in Florida.

I remember talking to my parents the weekend before they went to visit her that summer the house was sold. No one had shared with me that the house I had made so many summer memories in was being sold. I only found out by accident and I was crushed! I couldn't believe there would be no more memories of my own, my children or any of my family for that matter made within those precious walls. And, I couldn't believe my great-grandmother was being moved from the home she had lived in for so long. It turned out it was only the beginning of the end for Grammy.

And, so I have some very sad news to share. While my little baby boy's life is just beginning, another one very dear to me has come to its earthly end. My great-grandmother, Avis Bradstreet, passed away two Tuesday evenings ago at the age of 93 in her nursing home in Florida. Her condition, primarily Alzheimer's, had been progressively worsening and was complicated by a fall she took that broke her hip in the latter part of last year. She wasn't getting around much due to this complication and because of her Alzheimer's, she didn't have memory of anyone except my grandmother, who visited her everyday. She was in a lot of pain, was on a lot of medication which made her sleepy most of her days, and wasn't eating well. About a month ago when I talked to my grandmother, I had a feeling her end was coming soon. From what my grandmother shared with me, the nurses said she went fast and just passed away in her sleep.

I remember my great-grandmother with so much love! And, it has been so hard to know she is in pain and see her body deteriorate over the past few years. Until I moved to Tulsa and really started to call this place home, hers was the one our entire family referred to whenever we said home. Whenever we visited her, I could hardly wait to turn onto Bayview Street, see that sea-green house, and her coming out to meet us. I have another post brewing about her house because the house alone just conjures up so many memories for me. But for now, I just want to share that -

Within the walls of my great-grandmother's house, I

Spent many summers with my family
Received many hand-me-down nightgowns from my grandmother (the kind that were perfect for twirling around and feeling all girly in-oh, they were so very beautiful!)
Watched my grandmother live out her faith
Watched her read My Daily Bread every morning
Watched her enjoy solving a great crossword (and when I got older, I even tried to help and really thought my grandmother had to be very smart to finish something so difficult)
Sat around the table in her huge kitchen and shared meals with my family
Helped her clean
Explored her house (she really had a huge house!)
Played hide-and-go-seek with my brother
Listened to the sound of the water coming in on the beach on those summer nights
Snuggled with my Grammy in her humongous king bed and watched Johnny Carson late at night, which always made me feel really special (and remember, late night on the east coast is REALLY late)
Upset my grandmother when my brother and I would fight
Learned how to make coffee
Discovered dentures for the first time
Teased my great-grandmother about her precious New England accent - "Spahkle papeh towels"
First learned what it means to lead a life well lived and that you don't have to accomplish "huge" things by the world's standards to make a difference
Learned the beauty of stillness
Was my great-grandmother's sweet pea
Always hated to leave
And always got so excited to see that sea green house on Bayview Street that was home to the dearest grandmother my life has ever known!

I loved my Grammy and will miss her dearly. I’m excited that her life beyond this earth is beginning and sad that she is no longer here. Her love has forever etched its mark on my life and her legacy will be shared with my children and beyond. In the words of Mercy Me, truly, "I've never been more homesick than now."

some thoughts on new mommyhood in no particular order

Look at that handsome, happy little man! I don't think you could find a mother more in love at this very moment (well, I might know a few who would say otherwise). Kyle, you asked me a while back how I was liking motherhood. And, I said I liked it, but didn't love it all the time. And, at that moment, I don't think I was loving it as much as I was frustrating my way through it. Well, I'm loving it more everyday. Truly. I still don't love it in the way I thought I would, but here the difference still is that my heart can't seem to contain all the love that I have for this little boy. Eventually, I think I will love most of it. It is certainly more enjoyable than what I was doing before I was a mom and that is saying something. But, how could you possibly love every minute of parenting? I'm not looking forward to disciplining and learning to let go. Wah! So, it really is getting better. And, just between me and all of you, after wanting a girl so badly, it's so fun and precious to have this little boy in my life. I can't imagine having had a girl now. Isn't that just the greatest?

I've been recording little things in a journal for him (and myself) about his first few months and years of life. It's been so much fun! Just over the past few weeks he has been smiling and cooing so much more. His hands have even found his mouth and they are having lots of fun getting acquainted. He is a great listener, especially when mommy is reading or singing to him. I think he has gained my morning temperament, because he is always so very happy in the morning. It's like he looks at daddy and I and says, "Wow! It's been such a long time since I've seen you and I had almost forgotten how fun you guys are and now I'm SO glad to see you!" My favorite time of the day has become that time in between his first feeding and his first nap - he is the most alert and just smiles his precious head off, coos, and gets so excited to have mommy's attention. We really have so much fun together!

On a more serious note, two other mommys' words have returned to my head most often during these days of mommyhood initiation. One very recently just encouraged me and reminded me that I am Allen's mom - simple and yet profound for a new mother, believe me. Whether it feels like it or not, I, my husband, and God, know our son better than anyone else, and I can be confident in knowing that between the three of us, we can do what's best for Allen and our family. Something like that, while very encouraging, also requires a certain amount of courage to accept the realization that while many parents can give lots of great advice and share ideas, it's not always going to work for us the way it did for them and definitely that there is hardly ever a magic solution. Darn! It's hard work being a parent and sometimes, as I've come to realize very quickly, we're just going to have to find our own way through each situation and see what WILL work for us. Along with these thoughts, I am reminded of something another mommy and friend wrote in the months before I even became pregnant with Allen. You can read what she wrote here. When I read it at the time, I knew that I was being given a gift and that no matter when I had children, I would always remember what she had said and how very grateful I was to hear it before having kids. In a nutshell, it's the truth that I am never going to be all that my child needs. This has been especially encouraging when Allen is crying and nothing I'm doing is helping him to calm down. It's then that I remember what this mommy said and just pray for God to give peace to my little baby. Mind you, I will still pick him up and comfort him as best I can, but when it is not working, I put him down - mostly for my own sanity. He knows I'm there, but I have come to realize that sometimes, there will be nothing I can do to soothe his crying and it is ok to put him down.

At this moment, I finally feel like I am getting into a clear, but flexible routine with Allen and it is so refreshing! A friend commented yesterday that I seem more at peace and calm than I was even a few weeks ago. Well, yes, that is quite true. It's taken a lot longer than I thought it would to get settled into a stable routine and to just let go of my expectations of what I think the days of motherhood should look like and how they should go. But, through my son's eyes, I am learning to savor every moment. For him, everyday holds its own adventures, smiles, tears, poopy diapers, spitting up, the wonder of discovering something new to gaze at, familiar words to read and hear, new songs to learn and enjoy, new people to meet, moving arms and legs about in new ways, trying out dance moves in the bouncy seat, and of course, lots of nuzzling and cuddling with Mommy, Daddy, and big sister, all to name a few...... What a life!

Well, this is probably the most unorganized piece of writing I've done in a long time. I think it has something to do with the drain on my brain - Allen is taking all the good that's left of my brain and sucking it right out. I guess I can be grateful at least someone will get some use out of it. Just kidding. Sort of.

too sweet

OK, as the first (well, maybe second) act of reconnecting with the blogging world, I thought I would post this too sweet picture taken by Ashley Hopper of me and my precious baby boy, Allen. She is a wonderful photographer and captured this beautiful moment at our home a couple Sundays ago. Go ahead, you have my permission to ooh and aah. I know he's beautiful. And, by the way, if you live in the Tulsa area, I highly recommend having Ashley take some pictures of you and yours. We had a lot of fun with her, she was extremely patient with our baby and his babyness (you know, being fussy, hungry, and altogether, well, baby), very laidback and not in a hurry, and just had some great ideas for pictures.

Thanks, Ashley for the beautiful captured moments of our new little one! This one is my very favorite!

Our baby boy!

Hello all! For those of you who have held on and been checking this blog, here is the news you've been waiting patiently for -

Jerry Allen Granville was born on

November 7, 2006 @ 12:13 pm,

6 pounds, 14 ounces and was

20 1/2 inches long

I was in labor for 7 hours and never received an epidural (which God certainly has all the glory for by providing me with a high tolerance for pain, some great determination and perseverance, and some great encouragement from my wonderful husband, my two Lauras, and my amazing nurse, Carissa! Thank you, Father!). It was truly the most incredible thing to go through and thinking about that day just brings tears to my eyes. God is really soooooooooo good and I still can't believe I have this incredible miracle to call my son!

I'm hoping to get back to the blogging world soon and am looking forward to catching up with you all. I hope you all are doing well and enjoying Christmastime - it's my absolute favorite time of the year and it seems everyday brings an overflowing appreciation of the gift that Christ is to me. This year has definitely brought a new perspective to understanding Christmas for me, but that is another post for another day.

Anyways.......

Let me know how you are - I'd love to hear from you!

I'll see you virtually soon! Thanks to those of you who are still with me! God bless!

it's been a while, part 2

This post has been nearly two weeks in the making and it’s still no easier to write. Prepare yourself for a VERY long post.

It’s hard when relationships come to an end - especially ones that have taken up nearly seven years of your life. Friday, September 15, 2006 @ 5:00, I left my job with Family & Children's Services for the last time to become a full-time stepmommy, stepgrandmommy, homemaker, and in the very near future, my own kid’s mom. It was a wonderful and bittersweet moment for me.

I was only 20 years old when I started work with Family & Children's Services. I had only been in Tulsa a little over a year, had just been let go from one job that I had been at for almost a year, and was believing that God was going to provide something more permanent for me – with health insurance and other benefits. It’s quite a story, actually. I was without a job for nearly three weeks and had just applied with another temporary agency when I decided to attend Faithweek (my church’s summer youth camp) as a volunteer in the kitchens. My parents thought I was nuts and didn’t understand my faith at that time. Something in my gut and heart told me that God could accomplish more in one week without my help in providing a job for me than I could. There was a peace that seemed to assure me that God had everything under control with my job and financial situation and that I needed to go to Faithweek. I also remember feeling very called to go to Faithweek and God had provided a way for me to go by allowing me to be let go from my job (they certainly weren’t going to let me off for a week and allow me to return as a temp). So, I trusted Him with everything within me and went to Faithweek. When I returned, the temp agency called me the following Monday and told me they had an assignment for me at a place called Family & Children's Services. I started the next day and was hired on permanently on September 22, 1999. I can’t imagine how different the outcome might have been if I had stayed in Tulsa from Faithweek that year and had spent that time looking for a job on my own. It was truly an answer to prayer for me.

Over my seven year tenure with Family & Children's Services, I obtained my first vehicle for $50 (via an employee who saw my need for one and connected me with someone who had what I needed), made many new friends, celebrated life with those who got married and had babies, got married and changed my name myself, still have a celebration planned for next Friday to share in the joy of my new baby’s life with them, celebrated the pursuits and ambitions of those who moved on, shared sorrows and joys with many co-workers, suffered when some were fired, and now - it has all come to an end. Well, the work at least.

And, to be honest, there's a huge burden that has been lifted from my heart and life by this job coming to an end. I haven't been happy at this job for nearly two years and it has been one of the longest and hardest times I've endured, maybe needlessly. I've struggled between right and wrong, staying or not staying, whether I'm being faithful in staying or faithful if I left, about being faithful while I'm still there, and trying to voice my concerns to those in the positions to hear and make things happen towards change in the company.

A few weeks ago, my boss sat down with me seriously and we had one of the most heartfelt and difficult talks I've ever had with her. It was actually kinda weird. I've never felt any sympathy from her when it comes to feeling overwhelmed at work (probably because everyone at the company is overwhelmed), but I really felt like she was sympathetic to me as just another person. I had made some mistakes and fallen behind one time too many and in essence, she had reached her limit. I tried to explain that I had approached her many times before and expressed my feeling overwhelmed, but to no avail. And, as to other things, she wasn't even looking for an explanation. She knew my intention was to leave when the baby came and not return to my job, so she asked me to resign two months ahead of schedule. She said she wanted me to enjoy my last two months of my pregnancy and to not be concerned with work, but taking care of myself and the baby. She, herself, had gestational diabetes during her pregnancy, and was very sympathetic to the toll it is slowly taking on me. At the end of my time with her that day, I felt sad, more than a little anxious, and a little relieved that this long, bittersweet time of my life was finally coming to an end. I have to admit it's been even harder to want to go to work knowing that the end is coming. I just wanted it to be over. And, now - it is.

And where is God in all of this? Well, He was in the beginning of it, He was there all the way through it, He was there in the end taking care of me, baby, and insurance, He is in the relationships that will last far longer than the job ever did, He is there in the love and attachment that I feel to so many, He is in the memories that have been made, in all the laughter, the tears, He was there teaching me faithfulness and integrity and working to perfect me even when I was faithless and disobedient, He is in all the grace I feel for having been part of this company for as long as I was, and He is in all the things that have yet to be revealed and understood.

I'm going back next Friday for a baby shower that they have planned for me. It may be a little awkward, but possibly not. Some people don't even know yet that I'm gone and will be surprised come Monday morning. That makes me sad. Some people surprised me by their well wishes and heartfelt words of thanks and happiness for me. You just don't always know how much one life can touch another, I guess. I know there are some people I will have to call to let them know the baby has arrived and I know I will be returning many times to visit and show off the baby once he's born. They like that. They prefer not to have to hunt you down to see and hold the baby.

So, the work is over, but life and relationships go on.

I'm really looking forward to the next two months and the years after the baby is born. I cannot wait to be my kid's mom! It's something I always knew I wanted to be and now, the time has finally come for this chapter to be opened and written.

I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come