my mom and faith

Well, I gave in this weekend - just decided to call my mom and end the standoff. By the way, I think I'm the only one who thought it was a "standoff."

I spoke first with my brother and while I was encouraged in what I needed to do, I was discouraged in something else. My brother kind of reinforced what I really already knew and that is that I can't wait for my parents to take the initiative and call me. Sad, but true. Almost four weeks had gone by and neither of us had called the other. I had been waiting to give them the chance to take the initiative, but it wasn't happening. So, I decided I would just call them, keep them updated, and see how they were doing.

Before we hung up, however, my brother said something to me that just broke my heart. We were talking about my mom, which is part of the reason I called him before calling her on Sunday. Let me just explain without saying too very much that my mom has been diagnosed with a serious mental illness. She has been in counseling for almost eight years and is on medication, which is constantly changing (dosage or new medication altogether). Sometimes, conversations with my mom can go very well and other times, like ones I've previously mentioned, not so much. You honestly never know what kind of mood you might find her in. I realize that can be true for really all of us, but with my mom it's just way different. I'm learning that my best bets for catching her on a good day are Sundays - she hasn't been at work, she's had, hopefully, a day to rest, and is generally pretty happy. Well, in talking about my mom, my brother said basically that he believes my mom will never get better and even went so far as to say she is getting worse, not better.

Even writing this, I just want to cry. Because not only do I have a mom who is suffering and is generally miserable, but I have a brother who doesn't believe she can or will get better. I got off the phone with my brother and looked at my husband and was just like, how can he even say something like that? Do we believe in the same God? I guess I just feel or believe differently here. Because whether my mom gets better or not won't keep me from praying for God to heal her or from believing that she can and will get better. I believe in a God who does the seemingly impossible and gives me every reason to hope the best.

Where do I find the faith and hope to believe these things? Check out Hebrews 11, particularly verse 13 -

"All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance."

Others have faithfully waited even unto death for what God had promised; in my mind, they waited and believed for greater things than I!

And because of the faith and hope God has placed within me, I'd rather live my entire life praying for God to heal my mom than to live one day thinking that she can't or won't get better. It doesn't mean that I won't accept my mom as she is while I'm in relationship with her or that I won't encourage her, but it does mean that I am not accepting things as they currently are as the final answer. God has the final say.

Thank you, God, for giving us the hope and faith to believe the seemingly impossible and to see You more clearly in all of the circumstances you place us in!

And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
James 5:15-16

sing over me

WOW! First I have to say I can't believe I've passed the 100 days to go mark! Woo-hoo! Not much longer!

This CD to the left is truly a gift I feel is right from God's own heart to my own. Since I've been pregnant, the one verse and thought that continues to come to my mind is Zephaniah 3:17 and the thought that I so desire God to sing over me and baby. Most of all, I want desperately for God to sing peace over all of my being and for the peace of Christ to become my own.

This particular CD is a compilation project of some of the contemporary Christian women artists (four of which are mothers themselves) I enjoy the most, including Nichole Nordeman! Yeah!

One thing Nichole Nordeman writes in the CD enclosure, which I have yet to experience but seems to echo with stories from those I've talked with, is this -

"....Nobody thinks about worshipping in a rocking chair at 3 am. But this is the reality of motherhood.... stealing away with God one moment at a time, not so much for the desire of being heard and seen, but more for the rare chance to listen."

I've been listening to this CD here at work today and it's very soothing, peaceful, and just precious. It has some familiar worship songs, intentionally recorded with gentle arrangements, on it like How Great is Our God, Here I Am to Worship, Hold on to Jesus, We Fall Down, and Jesus Loves Me. There are also some new ones I already love and I'm looking forward to rocking my little boy to sleep, whether at 3 am or 7 in the evening, to this music. And I look forward to singing over him words of worship to praise the God who sent the precious little gift of him to me.

The other thing which I just thought was so very cool is that when I opened the CD case, it had the words of Zephaniah 3:17 inside. I about cried! God truly loves to give his daughters and sons good gifts!

beautiful photo

Isn't this an incredibly beautiful picture? It's apparently called a nacreous cloud and was seen some 20 km above a science station in Antartica. Man, it's just beautiful! I'd love to see some of these incredible clouds in person and I've always wanted to see the Northern Lights, although this is something completely different.

Enjoy!

another song

Well, I've just got songs running through my head today.

I heard the following song on my way home late last night from my girlfriend's house and it always just gets me. It's a very simple song, but I love it.

When I heard it for the first time, I really felt like it could have been written by my husband just for me. There's just something about him that lets me know I'm the very most important person in the world to him. Maybe it's when he waits up for me after midnight just to make sure I get in alright. Or maybe it's when he tells me he loves me for no particular reason a million times a day. Or maybe it's all the times he's gone back out for something that we forgot and didn't realize it was missing until we got home. I don't know. It's all the little things, all the hugs and kisses, and all the times he makes time to just talk with me that let me know that even though it seems to the world, I may be just another girl - to him, I am the world. (And yes, I'm a country music junkie.)

The World, by Brad Paisley

To the teller down at the bank
You're just another checking account
To the plumber that came today
You're just another house
At the airport ticket counter
You're just another fare
At the beauty shop at the mall
Well you're just another head of hair
Well that's alright, that's ok
If you don't feel important, honey
All I've got to say is

Chorus:
To the world
You may be just another girl
But to me
Baby, you are the world

To the waiter at the restaurant
You're just another tip
To the guy at the ice cream shop
You're just another dip
When you can't get reservations
'Cause you don't have the clout
Or you didn't get an invitation
'Cause somebody left you out
That's alright, that's ok
When you don't feel important honey
All I've got to say is

Chorus:
To the world
You may be just another girl
But to me
Baby, you are the world

You think you're one of millions but you're one in a million to me
When you wonder if you matter, baby look into my eyes
And tell me, can't you see you're everything to me

I will stand

Last night, after what felt like the worst downer day I’d had in a long time, I got to spend some much-needed girl time with my best friend. Man, I love that girl! I just can’t tell you how many times I’ve needed a friend and she’s ALWAYS been there. She is truly a blessing straight from the Lord. I know that because of her friendship, I have a better understanding of Christ as my friend. I am so thankful for her!

Well, we were doing one of the things we love most – getting ready for a road trip. Remember, we’re going to see Rascal Flatts this weekend???!!! And, as with ANY road trip, there is LOTS of music involved. We’ve tried for a few weeks to get together to burn mixed CD’s for the three of us that are going and last night, we finally did it! We had so much fun – picking out the songs and mixing them up before burning the CD’s. You’d think by all the Rascal Flatts' songs on the CD’s that we were, like, big fans or something. Well, there’s a song on the new Rascal Flatts’ CD that we included on our mixed ones that just describes pretty well how I feel today, considering what I wrote about yesterday. It’s called Stand. I can’t wait to hear it in person. Here are the lyrics -

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright

Chorus:
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand

Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place


God has never failed to pull me up from the lowest points in my life and I know with His help, His wisdom, His understanding, and His peace, it will be no different this time. When I think that the purpose is unclear to me, I have to remember that it's so very clear to Him and that what He most wants from me is to trust Him and continue to follow Him in the midst of all the uncertainty. I was praying for this very thing - more faith, a more mature faith - as I was driving to pick up my husband from work yesterday. And God is so good, because in the midst of it all, His gentle voice is reminding me to trust Him, is reminding me that I'm not alone, and that He will never leave me.

I will stand - on His words, on His love, on the most solid Rock I've come to know.